Caught wife of 18 years cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

When women f around, she doesn’t want to “recover”. It’s over.

That’s BS. People cheat for different reasons and it’s not gender specific, despite the popular tropes.

Agree. Women are very different from men.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore advice from abusive people, such as:

Maybe if you know the reasons forgiveness is possible, if you want it.

Talking to a therapist about what worked in your marriage, what didn't, and what you could have done better can be a healing process. However, avoid listening to her attempts to tell you the reasons why she cheated by understanding that she is looking to manipulate you into accepting blame for her actions. Often, abusive people will blame their partner for "making them" abusive (e.g., You talked to another man, making me jealous enough to hit you). Once you hear "you should have paid more attention to me, so I had to start seeing him", know that she is trying to blame you for her abuse.

Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

She deceived you, and this poster would have open yourself up for more. Defend against more deceit by identifying your legal rights. Before talking to her about the future, find out what a fair settlement is. OP, she was talking to her lover from your kitchen. It is not vindictive to understand what your legal options are. She already knows hers.

[Anonymous]

All is fair in war and divorce. OP, you have to look out for #1!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think divorce is necessarily inevitable in this kind of scenario, but it has to be considered as one of the options. So OP needs to be informed regarding the potential pros and cons so that he can make an intelligent decision. I will say, OP, I think you should consider talking to a professional to help you get your mind as right as it can be; this is a very difficult situation and you are unlikely to be thinking clearly anytime soon. Nobody would be, but it’s easy to pretend you are and make bad decisions as a result.

[Anonymous]

Troll or not, this shit happens to people and is worthy of discussion.

I know a couple where the wife cheated about year twenty to twenty five of their marriage, the kids were little. He discovered it, she ended it, they just celebrated 50 years together.

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

The reason there are so many black and white answers here is because it makes people scared to think this could happen to them and they'd like to think there is a formula that applies to every situation where they had no role in the situation other than as victim.

I think it's valuable for OP and anyone else dealing with cheating to see many different perspectives so maybe stop attacking those who don't agree with you and let the cheated on person take what speaks to them and get through their situation the best they can under their individual and unique circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

Signed,

I cheated on my DH, and he stayed married to me even though I am a selfish narcissistic a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She keeps asking if I'm ok, and saying that I seem off. Should I hold off until I speak to my lawyer?

I am still processing all of this. Seems like a bad dream.

She knows you know and it's driving her crazy. She needs to find out exactly what you know so she can get her lies in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, this shit happens to people and is worthy of discussion.

I know a couple where the wife cheated about year twenty to twenty five of their marriage, the kids were little. He discovered it, she ended it, they just celebrated 50 years together.

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

The reason there are so many black and white answers here is because it makes people scared to think this could happen to them and they'd like to think there is a formula that applies to every situation where they had no role in the situation other than as victim.

I think it's valuable for OP and anyone else dealing with cheating to see many different perspectives so maybe stop attacking those who don't agree with you and let the cheated on person take what speaks to them and get through their situation the best they can under their individual and unique circumstances.

Agreed! You should assume your cheating wife loves her marriage and family. After all, she married you, didn't she? If you start with that assumption, you'll see that you should always give her a second chance, and try harder yourself. Maybe see things from her perspective, and you might be surprised. You'll also see the countless things you did that drove her to seek comfort outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, this shit happens to people and is worthy of discussion.

I know a couple where the wife cheated about year twenty to twenty five of their marriage, the kids were little. He discovered it, she ended it, they just celebrated 50 years together.

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

The reason there are so many black and white answers here is because it makes people scared to think this could happen to them and they'd like to think there is a formula that applies to every situation where they had no role in the situation other than as victim.

I think it's valuable for OP and anyone else dealing with cheating to see many different perspectives so maybe stop attacking those who don't agree with you and let the cheated on person take what speaks to them and get through their situation the best they can under their individual and unique circumstances.

The cheater with a heart of gold! Such a sweet story!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry she did this to you, my brother. Move ASAP to retain a good lawyer. In your posts, you mention she is a lawyer as well.

This is important since she likely has an exit plan regarding a potential divorce. When you meet with your lawyer:

1) Develop what you think is a fair split for your property, how you two can pay for college for your girls, etc. You will need this when either A) you confront her, or B) she confronts you once she knows you are on to her.
2) Find out how important gathering additional evidence of the affair is to your case. If you do need more evidence, let a professional handle it. You can go down a rabbit hole and look at texts between her and her AP, photos she sent him, places they went (and when), etc. None of that data helps you; looking for it can tip her off that you know before you are ready for her to know.
3) Get a good therapist. A therapist can help you (and your daughters) get back on your feet and start healing immediately.
4) Do not try to get beyond this betrayal. Most (if not all) men find that a clean break is best. Giving her a second (or third..) chance hurts you and sets a bad example for your daughters.
5) Remember that she made the mistake. When you confront her and she asks what she can do to make it up to you, tell her she needs to be fair to you and the kids. If they want to stay with you (or if they want more time with you than 50/50), she needs to respect, understand, and support their wishes.

Believe it or not, this is the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. You can find someone much better and get rid of someone who is bringing evil to your house.

Thank you so much. I will definitely gather additional evidences. I spoke to my brother and he suggested hiring a private investigator.

100%

Secretly see an attorney as well.

And get phone logs

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All is fair in war and divorce. OP, you have to look out for #1!

That would be the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, this shit happens to people and is worthy of discussion.

I know a couple where the wife cheated about year twenty to twenty five of their marriage, the kids were little. He discovered it, she ended it, they just celebrated 50 years together.

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

The reason there are so many black and white answers here is because it makes people scared to think this could happen to them and they'd like to think there is a formula that applies to every situation where they had no role in the situation other than as victim.

I think it's valuable for OP and anyone else dealing with cheating to see many different perspectives so maybe stop attacking those who don't agree with you and let the cheated on person take what speaks to them and get through their situation the best they can under their individual and unique circumstances.

The reason bulk of people say it’s divorce because that is generally what happens. Once a woman does this it’s pretty much guaranteed to be over.

I was one of those in the minority who thought my cheating exDW deserved a 2nd chance after being caught out. What followed was 8 months of couples therapy lies and gaslighting.

To those who made it work - congrats

[Anonymous]

Dumb question: many of you say that he shouldn’t confront? I guess it is because he needs time to gather info and get a legal position in place?

Op, I am so sorry. Sounds really dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Being a bad spouse is grounds for divorce, being a cowardly, insecure, selfish a$$hole is the only reason to cheat. It may be common, but it all comes down to crappy character on the part of the wayward spouse. Shitty people do shitty things.

For the moronic trolls- I’m pretty sure cuckholding requires knowledge of the cheating, her cheating only makes him the victim of his ignorance and her worthlessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

Maybe I’m wrong but it sounds from
the original post that based on the call it isn’t just a one time no strings thing.

I once stayed (not married at that point but partnered for a long time) with my partner who cheated. We worked on it and they cheated again. Fool me once…

OP also get STD tested but maybe pay for it out of pocket if your wife has access to insurance information. When the above happened I went to a Planned Parenthood and paid in cash.

For me it was the lying more than anything. Sneaking around, lying, potentially giving me an STD. I just find it to be so disrespectful.

A one time thing and you use protection? Bad, but stuff happens. Continuing to lie, sneak around, miss family events, and potentially give your
Partner a disease is a big NO for me now that I experienced it.

OP your wife clearly has issues. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to a therapist and don’t be pressured to stay if you don’t want to stay. Your wife probably had an idea that you know and that’s why she keeps asking if you’re ok.