Caught wife of 18 years cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry she did this to you, my brother. Move ASAP to retain a good lawyer. In your posts, you mention she is a lawyer as well.

This is important since she likely has an exit plan regarding a potential divorce. When you meet with your lawyer:

1) Develop what you think is a fair split for your property, how you two can pay for college for your girls, etc. You will need this when either A) you confront her, or B) she confronts you once she knows you are on to her.
2) Find out how important gathering additional evidence of the affair is to your case. If you do need more evidence, let a professional handle it. You can go down a rabbit hole and look at texts between her and her AP, photos she sent him, places they went (and when), etc. None of that data helps you; looking for it can tip her off that you know before you are ready for her to know.
3) Get a good therapist. A therapist can help you (and your daughters) get back on your feet and start healing immediately.
4) Do not try to get beyond this betrayal. Most (if not all) men find that a clean break is best. Giving her a second (or third..) chance hurts you and sets a bad example for your daughters.
5) Remember that she made the mistake. When you confront her and she asks what she can do to make it up to you, tell her she needs to be fair to you and the kids. If they want to stay with you (or if they want more time with you than 50/50), she needs to respect, understand, and support their wishes.

Believe it or not, this is the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. You can find someone much better and get rid of someone who is bringing evil to your house.

Thank you so much. I will definitely gather additional evidences. I spoke to my brother and he suggested hiring a private investigator.

100%

Secretly see an attorney as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry she did this to you, my brother. Move ASAP to retain a good lawyer. In your posts, you mention she is a lawyer as well.

This is important since she likely has an exit plan regarding a potential divorce. When you meet with your lawyer:

1) Develop what you think is a fair split for your property, how you two can pay for college for your girls, etc. You will need this when either A) you confront her, or B) she confronts you once she knows you are on to her.
2) Find out how important gathering additional evidence of the affair is to your case. If you do need more evidence, let a professional handle it. You can go down a rabbit hole and look at texts between her and her AP, photos she sent him, places they went (and when), etc. None of that data helps you; looking for it can tip her off that you know before you are ready for her to know.
3) Get a good therapist. A therapist can help you (and your daughters) get back on your feet and start healing immediately.
4) Do not try to get beyond this betrayal. Most (if not all) men find that a clean break is best. Giving her a second (or third..) chance hurts you and sets a bad example for your daughters.
5) Remember that she made the mistake. When you confront her and she asks what she can do to make it up to you, tell her she needs to be fair to you and the kids. If they want to stay with you (or if they want more time with you than 50/50), she needs to respect, understand, and support their wishes.

Believe it or not, this is the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. You can find someone much better and get rid of someone who is bringing evil to your house.

Thank you so much. I will definitely gather additional evidences. I spoke to my brother and he suggested hiring a private investigator.

100%

Secretly see an attorney as well.

And get phone logs

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. If you have it in you, consider that she is also suffering deeply and possibly has been for a while—not because of anything you did but because she didn’t know what to do. I know I will get flamed for saying this but it’s the truth. She probably loves you and the family very much and agonizes over the future. I really wish I didn’t have the life experience to understand this, and I was certainly once in the camp most DCUM posters rightly belong to, and who will tell you that only a selfish person can do something like this.

I have no idea whether you two can start over but I don’t think the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true, certainly not always.

Wishing your whole family a way out of this with as little pain as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. If you have it in you, consider that she is also suffering deeply and possibly has been for a while—not because of anything you did but because she didn’t know what to do. I know I will get flamed for saying this but it’s the truth. She probably loves you and the family very much and agonizes over the future. I really wish I didn’t have the life experience to understand this, and I was certainly once in the camp most DCUM posters rightly belong to, and who will tell you that only a selfish person can do something like this.

I have no idea whether you two can start over but I don’t think the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true, certainly not always.

Wishing your whole family a way out of this with as little pain as possible.

WTF. You think the wife is suffering deeply having an affair??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to save the marriage. People make mistakes. You owe it to your children to see if it can salvaged.

Yeah like you'd write this if the sexes were reversed.

Of course I would. I am a man, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Dude. Focus.

I am sure you’re so stressed out and shocked right now, but you need to pull yourself together and be your most detached analytical self

To do the best you can for your children, and yourself, you need to:

- Call three more lawyers for a one hour consult
- do you know anything about this person she had is having an affair with? Have you gone through the phone records? You will need as much info as possible for the PI.
- hire a PI and get evidence ASAP
- Make a list of questions you want to ask a divorce lawyer, your list will grow after each consult. This is how you will start to figure out your next moves and which lawyer that suits you.
- give yourself a decision timeframe. Maybe have Covid and take a break from your family for a few days why you think and try to get your bearings?
- do you have a therapist? If not, you’re going to want to start with one right away. You need someone good and you need someone who can help you sort through what’s rational and what’s reactivity
- find at least one really close friend/sibling who will 100% be on your side to confide in so you have someone to talk to you about this anytime of the day
- Do not confront.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

Well the default on DCUM is “divorce!” if the OP accuses the spouse of leaving a cup of coffee on the counter overnight. In this case, it’s an actual fireable defense.

[Anonymous]

Calling a lawyer is necessary because most ordinary people don't know what is likely to happen in a divorce.

It's like getting a medical consult when something feels off.

Very few people have sufficient experience to understand how things typically play out. Unless OP understands what might happen, OP can't advocate for the steps that will best protect OP's interests.

When you find out something like this, and your marriage is at risk, that logically imperils your family home, all your assets, and your children's happiness. The cheating spouse might not even have any plan except getting away with it or know what they want to have happen. Plus OP's wife is a lawyer.

Getting legal advice is not a guarantee that a divorce will happen.

[Anonymous]

But divorce lawyers are in the business to make money off of your pain; they are not therapists, but will gladly listen.

I’m in the camp to not react, wait until you can think more clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But divorce lawyers are in the business to make money off of your pain; they are not therapists, but will gladly listen.

I’m in the camp to not react, wait until you can think more clearly.

OP doesn't need a divorce consult for therapy, he wants to maintain his relationship with his daughters as his first priority in handling this mess. Which means he needs a good idea of what custody arrangements will be like (is there any chance of keeping the house, will it most likely be 50:50 custody no matter what, and how much say will (driving-age) children have in custody arrangements). If OP gets unfavorable news, OP might decide to stay married and in the home until the kids graduate. But that will take OP past the 20 year threshold that was mentioned above where OP will have to divide up more assets in some states. OP's timeline is short. 2 years to that deadline and 3 more years with kids in the home. Because if all his kids are in high school now, his youngest is finishing freshman year.

I have a friend whose husband cheated and eventually married the AP after divorce. It's really screwed up my friend's only child. There were things that she learned along the way about how things work that she wished she understood from the beginning.

Interpersonal discussions between spouses are likely to be emotionally devastating and wandering in nature. Better to have an idea ahead of time of what the key logistical issues and legalities might be. Continued residence in the home, consideration of impact on the children's high school experience, trial separation, smoothing things over, etc. are all things that intersect with legal issues.

OP, the most gender-flipped advice DCUM could give is to negotiate a post-nup if you agree to stay together until your kids are out of high school to see how things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

When women f around, she doesn’t want to “recover”. It’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

When women f around, she doesn’t want to “recover”. It’s over.

+1
Not everyone wants to stay married to a cheater 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

His reaction maybe knee jerk. But her actions weren’t. She didn’t trip, fall on a D and smart there few seconds too long. She had an affair. Take the whole marriage vow and sex part out of, it shows a level of immaturity that I could deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone’s first response to call a lawyer and initiate divorce? A marriage of 18 years deserves more than a knee jerk reaction and vindictiveness.

Why not talk it out honestly? I heard your
conversation and it sounds like you are having an affair, I’m deeply hurt. Can this be saved and do we want to?

I’m not defending the wife. Cheating is wrong no matter the circumstances. But marriages are complicated and can recover from betrayal.

When women f around, she doesn’t want to “recover”. It’s over.

That’s BS. People cheat for different reasons and it’s not gender specific, despite the popular tropes.