Caught wife of 18 years cheating.

[Anonymous]

I just recently caught my wife of 18 years cheating. She does not know that I know.

The way I found out was by unintentionally overhearing her phone conversation with him. I was driving her car, and once I arrived home and pulled into the garage, her phone, which is synced to her car via Bluetooth, transferred the call to the car's audio system. That's how I heard him speaking. It was clear they are lovers. I turned off the car in under a minute. I doubt she was aware of what had occurred.

When I entered the house, she had already hung up. I asked her what she was up to, and she replied that she was chatting with her mom. What a lie.

This really sucks. We have three teenage daughters in HS. They mean the absolute world to me. That is what is going to hurt the most. I don't want to put them through this and I don't want to lose them. They will be crushed. I literally do everything for them, so I think they would want to live with me if given a choice.

I have reached out to a local divorce lawyer for a consultation.
I want to confront her so bad, but I have not yet. She keeps asking if I'm ok, and saying that I seem off. Should I hold off until I speak to my lawyer?

I am still processing all of this. Seems like a bad dream.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to save the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

[Anonymous]

What if she knew that you could hear the conversation ? Regardless gather more information and under no circumstance confront or let her know until you have talked to a couple of divorce lawyers. It's very easy to end up spending a lot of your money on lawyers. I don't think the courts care anymore about adultery etc.

Most women initiate divorce and given she is having an affair I would say that she does not want to stay in the marriage. Maybe some will say it's not and you can salvage it but I doubt it.

You can look up the 180 as a strategy to move forward in the short term. This is for you to get to being in a better place mentally to deal with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

When the call transfered to the car it probably interrupted what she could hear, I think. Not that she knows you know, but she may be worried.

[Anonymous]

OP say nothing, and collect evidence. Make a plan, don't get emotional. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Consult with an attorney and plan your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Plan your divorce and talk to an attorney. Get all the financials in order and if she asks if you’re ok tell her either you’re great or something about your stomach. I mean if you’re stressed it’s probably not a lie, when I get stressed I have stomach issues.

And about the car she might have an idea so tread carefully. My husband’s phone syncs to my car and it sort of makes it so the person in the car can talk and not the person on the phone and the person on the other line makes
It sound like it’s on speaker. He’s on the phone with my MiL when it has happened (and I come home) and they both knew something happened to the call. We have iPhones but my MiL has a Samsung if that matters.

I’m sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would try to save the marriage. People make mistakes. You owe it to your children to see if it can salvaged.

[Anonymous]

Get irrefutable evidence before confronting or she'll default to gaslighting you to the high heavens as cheaters do.

Statt with the phone bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

This is very sound advice, OP! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP say nothing, and collect evidence. Make a plan, don't get emotional. I am sorry.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

Thank you for the advice.
I'm meeting with the lawyer in two weeks.
I feel really stupid because I've given up so much for this relationship. Seven years ago, we relocated from Chicago to DC so she could get better opportunities for her career as a lawyer. I even took a pay cut when we moved. Now she has an awesome job and makes more money than I do.

[Anonymous]

Condolences. I think the conventional wisdom is to try to keep a poker face and collect as much information as you can before she goes to ground completely and cleans up any incriminating evidence, otherwise you end up getting the “trickle truth” when you confront her and will never get the accurate story. May not be practical as she probably has reason to suspect you know and it would be hard to conceal your feelings well enough. Do you have a friend you can confide in? It might help to have someone you can talk to.