Staying together with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open (Platonic) marriage for reasons specific to our situation. It works for us, but we're in the very specific situation of 1) sex between us is off the table for reasons that are unchangeable and 2) we still love each other very much and are remain essentially soulmates outside of sex. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend your life with him? Those are questions worth answering.

I'm confused by the bracelet (it doesn't seem likely that he's wearing a DILF bracelet to pick up women), but I'll focus on the cheating. Cheating is a bigger issue though. Cheating wasn't part of our story. It was a decision made before anyone went outside the marriage for sex, after a lot of talking and therapy. I think if it starts as a way to excuse cheating its a lot more likely to lead to resentment and fail.

THIS - Yes, I do love him and hate the idea of not sharing a life together. But, more as life partners, no sex. I'm not attracted to him anymore in a sexual way. (maybe this is how I'm justifying the cheating)

I didn't mention that we've been married for nearly 20 years. We have built a life together and it isn't easy to give it all up. We have shared friends, are very close with each other's families, etc. It's a crappy situation to deal with and I'm trying to figure it out

Why not give it a try, then? The worst thing that can happen is you get a divorce, which might be the right move anyway. If an open marriage can delay the divorce so you can stay under the same roof as your kids, at least until they leave for college, then why not give it a go? I hope you find some happiness in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open (Platonic) marriage for reasons specific to our situation. It works for us, but we're in the very specific situation of 1) sex between us is off the table for reasons that are unchangeable and 2) we still love each other very much and are remain essentially soulmates outside of sex. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend your life with him? Those are questions worth answering.

I'm confused by the bracelet (it doesn't seem likely that he's wearing a DILF bracelet to pick up women), but I'll focus on the cheating. Cheating is a bigger issue though. Cheating wasn't part of our story. It was a decision made before anyone went outside the marriage for sex, after a lot of talking and therapy. I think if it starts as a way to excuse cheating its a lot more likely to lead to resentment and fail.

THIS - Yes, I do love him and hate the idea of not sharing a life together. But, more as life partners, no sex. I'm not attracted to him anymore in a sexual way. (maybe this is how I'm justifying the cheating)

I didn't mention that we've been married for nearly 20 years. We have built a life together and it isn't easy to give it all up. We have shared friends, are very close with each other's families, etc. It's a crappy situation to deal with and I'm trying to figure it out

Why not give it a try, then? The worst thing that can happen is you get a divorce, which might be the right move anyway. If an open marriage can delay the divorce so you can stay under the same roof as your kids, at least until they leave for college, then why not give it a go? I hope you find some happiness in the process.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

Those are some profoundly misogynistic assumptions, there. OP never suggested that she's staying for money. For all we know, she's the major breadwinner. She's in it for her kids. Anyone who has been in or near a divorce understands how heartbreaking it is to give up 50% of the time you have with your children. If OP wants to date other people and stay married, I hope she finds someone who blows her mind in bed.

[Anonymous]

Dilf bracelet?

Your DH sounds 16.

[Anonymous]

LOL at the delusional OP who thinks she’s doing something cool “opening” her marriage. Wake up and smell the coffee! Your DH is way ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

I won't suggest you see an individual therapist because I think you've gotten the validation you wanted to find here, and will resist the idea that compartmentalizing and being resigned to resentment and profound disrespect are incredibly toxic. But hey, maybe Im wrong and you'll see a therapist who isn't just going to nod and tell you this is all a great idea.

You are already IN what you choose to call an "open marriage," OP, and what others would call serial infidelity on one side, and a paralyzed acceptance on the other. You're here to find approval for letting this continue. Nowhere do you express that YOU desire lovers, attention, etc. In fact you say you love your DH. He no longer loves you, if he ever truly did, becuase love includes respect and he has none for you, the marriage or--believe me--the children, either.

I know this all sounds harsh toward you but it really isn't meant to be. It would be good if you could at least admit, though, that you are not changing a thing, you're just renaming the status quo in your life so you can find some more accpetable or cooler way to frame being lied to and cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

I won't suggest you see an individual therapist because I think you've gotten the validation you wanted to find here, and will resist the idea that compartmentalizing and being resigned to resentment and profound disrespect are incredibly toxic. But hey, maybe Im wrong and you'll see a therapist who isn't just going to nod and tell you this is all a great idea.

You are already IN what you choose to call an "open marriage," OP, and what others would call serial infidelity on one side, and a paralyzed acceptance on the other. You're here to find approval for letting this continue. Nowhere do you express that YOU desire lovers, attention, etc. In fact you say you love your DH. He no longer loves you, if he ever truly did, becuase love includes respect and he has none for you, the marriage or--believe me--the children, either.

I know this all sounds harsh toward you but it really isn't meant to be. It would be good if you could at least admit, though, that you are not changing a thing, you're just renaming the status quo in your life so you can find some more accpetable or cooler way to frame being lied to and cheated on.

She is on here asking for approval for an "open marriage," which I read as seeking approval to see other people. That sounds to me like a desire for other lovers. Your assumptions about their love for each other and their kids are groundless. That's between OP, her husband, and her kids. OP can do whatever is best for her and her kids, including seeing other people if she does it discretely. She certainly doesn't owe fidelity to her husband at this point.

You sound like an AP waiting in the wings for her guy to leave his wife.

[Anonymous]

You know that you can both love and care for your kids separately while divorced right? A divorced is not the end of caring and loving your children.

We have been married for 30 years. My son's best friend are twins whose parents divorced when they were 10 (tough age for kids flor divorce). These twins are even better behaved than our own kids. We know their parents very well. Boy their parents did an amazing job caring for them between the 2 households. Both are now successful and one of them is getting married this summer.

On this forum you have a core group of very unhappy people probably stuck in their own marriages who keep coming back over and over with their gloomy views of divorced children. Don't listen to those idiots.

If you are not happy, leave! You don't owe us an explanation and we are not in your shoes to tell you what's best for you.

At the end of the day you know your family and your kids best. If you think divorcing will have a very bad impact on them and choose to stay married then be it. Do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bracelet is odd.. Maybe give him the chance to explain? Could it possibly be a joke of some sort?

Sugar Baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dilf bracelet?

Your DH sounds 16.

The sidepiece is 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

In your situation, there is no perfect approach - please prioritize yourself and your happiness, as your “husband” has been (misguidedly).

As someone who’s BTDT, beware posting on DCUM for advice: you will have nasty posters like the one on page one that love to victim blame and pile on. There are some real psychos on this site.

Wishing you the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

I won't suggest you see an individual therapist because I think you've gotten the validation you wanted to find here, and will resist the idea that compartmentalizing and being resigned to resentment and profound disrespect are incredibly toxic. But hey, maybe Im wrong and you'll see a therapist who isn't just going to nod and tell you this is all a great idea.

You are already IN what you choose to call an "open marriage," OP, and what others would call serial infidelity on one side, and a paralyzed acceptance on the other. You're here to find approval for letting this continue. Nowhere do you express that YOU desire lovers, attention, etc. In fact you say you love your DH. He no longer loves you, if he ever truly did, becuase love includes respect and he has none for you, the marriage or--believe me--the children, either.

I know this all sounds harsh toward you but it really isn't meant to be. It would be good if you could at least admit, though, that you are not changing a thing, you're just renaming the status quo in your life so you can find some more accpetable or cooler way to frame being lied to and cheated on.

She is on here asking for approval for an "open marriage," which I read as seeking approval to see other people. That sounds to me like a desire for other lovers. Your assumptions about their love for each other and their kids are groundless. That's between OP, her husband, and her kids. OP can do whatever is best for her and her kids, including seeing other people if she does it discretely. She certainly doesn't owe fidelity to her husband at this point.

You sound like an AP waiting in the wings for her guy to leave his wife.

Nope, she has given zero indications she wants other men. Sure, she probably does, but that's not what she's said here at all. She's sadly trying to put an "open marriage" gloss on being a cheated-on spouse. Where do you get that she wants an open marriage for her own sake sexually? Read the post. It's all about reframing what she's already living with. How you "read" it as "seeking approval to see other people" is your take, not what she's saying.

She herself posted that she still loves him. Did you miss this post by OP earlier in the thread, PP?
THIS - Yes, I do love him and hate the idea of not sharing a life together

The line about my sounding like an AP in the wings for this guy is hilarious. Thanke for the laugh. If you can't tell that I think cheating is vile, and open marriage is a trendy sham designed to make cheating seem OK, well, you have truly poor comprehension.
'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

Those are some profoundly misogynistic assumptions, there. OP never suggested that she's staying for money. For all we know, she's the major breadwinner. She's in it for her kids. Anyone who has been in or near a divorce understands how heartbreaking it is to give up 50% of the time you have with your children. If OP wants to date other people and stay married, I hope she finds someone who blows her mind in bed.

They might be misogynistic assumptions, but they are also probably true statements. Op is unlikely to be the breadwinner staying with a cheater. Use your brain here. She doesn’t care about her children - all she posted was about her friends and lifestyle! THATS what she doesn’t want to lose.

Sorry not sorry, f***ing up your kids life by staying in this type of marriage is not any better than divorce and is likely profoundly worse for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

Those are some profoundly misogynistic assumptions, there. OP never suggested that she's staying for money. For all we know, she's the major breadwinner. She's in it for her kids. Anyone who has been in or near a divorce understands how heartbreaking it is to give up 50% of the time you have with your children. If OP wants to date other people and stay married, I hope she finds someone who blows her mind in bed.

They might be misogynistic assumptions, but they are also probably true statements. Op is unlikely to be the breadwinner staying with a cheater. Use your brain here. She doesn’t care about her children - all she posted was about her friends and lifestyle! THATS what she doesn’t want to lose.

Sorry not sorry, f***ing up your kids life by staying in this type of marriage is not any better than divorce and is likely profoundly worse for them.

OP, are you staying for financial reasons?