Staying together with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Divorce may seem more complicated and difficult for you now but in the long term, your kids will be better off if you take care of it sooner rather than later. Your kids rent going to be better served living in an open marriage situation that is likely going to end up in divorce in the long run. It could really damage their own adult relationships living in that environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce may seem more complicated and difficult for you now but in the long term, your kids will be better off if you take care of it sooner rather than later. Your kids rent going to be better served living in an open marriage situation that is likely going to end up in divorce in the long run. It could really damage their own adult relationships living in that environment.

Unless the parents are parading their side pieces in front of them how would the kids know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce may seem more complicated and difficult for you now but in the long term, your kids will be better off if you take care of it sooner rather than later. Your kids rent going to be better served living in an open marriage situation that is likely going to end up in divorce in the long run. It could really damage their own adult relationships living in that environment.

Unless the parents are parading their side pieces in front of them how would the kids know?

Kids are pretty smart. Ours figured it out almost immediately when we started sleeping in separate bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

This is so sad. You’ve wasted your life.

She is trying to make the best of her situation. I've read a lot of cruel things on DCUM over the years. But this one really hits. You are one nasty, sad woman.

It’s true, though. She’s wasted her life on a man who doesn’t appreciate her. She should get out asap so she can begin fresh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce may seem more complicated and difficult for you now but in the long term, your kids will be better off if you take care of it sooner rather than later. Your kids rent going to be better served living in an open marriage situation that is likely going to end up in divorce in the long run. It could really damage their own adult relationships living in that environment.

Unless the parents are parading their side pieces in front of them how would the kids know?

Please don’t kid yourself that children wouldn’t know or find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people badgering this woman? This sort of arrangement has been going on since the beginning of time. It’s happening all around you too, you just aren’t aware of it.

I think people are trying to open her eyes and break her out of the fog. She is mistaken thinking this is going to save the children. She’s going to actively make sure she F’s up her kids because she doesn’t want to lose her umc life. That is so incredibly selfish, but she’s blinded by her insane fantasy that lying to her children (and everyone really) will have some happy ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people badgering this woman? This sort of arrangement has been going on since the beginning of time. It’s happening all around you too, you just aren’t aware of it.

The beginning of time? You mean when women couldn’t work, were property of men, weren’t able to divorce, weren’t able to live on our own? Should we bring back slavery too? Jfc. Not the same situation as “the beginning of time”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

I haven’t read the rest of the responses to see if anyone called you out on this but this is offensive. I’m in a similar situation and I’m not staying because I’m lazy or because I want the money - I’ve sacrificed everything including my career for nearly 20 years to support his career and support my children, including one with special needs that my husband could not/would not support except financially. My sons hate my husband and see right through him - they know exactly what I’ve sacrificed and why. It is not as easy as you seem to think and you are not the judge and jury of someone else’s reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

I haven’t read the rest of the responses to see if anyone called you out on this but this is offensive. I’m in a similar situation and I’m not staying because I’m lazy or because I want the money - I’ve sacrificed everything including my career for nearly 20 years to support his career and support my children, including one with special needs that my husband could not/would not support except financially. My sons hate my husband and see right through him - they know exactly what I’ve sacrificed and why. It is not as easy as you seem to think and you are not the judge and jury of someone else’s reality.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. Asking seriously and without judgement, PP -- You say you're staying in this situation, but you also note that your sons are fully aware of what you've sacrificed in the marriage and they hate their dad. Why stay, then? It's not "for the kids" in the sense of preserving a happy home life image for them, is that correct? Are you staying because after your career sacrifice, you'd be left financially devastated by a divorce? I see that you have a special needs child and your DH isn't interested in helping other than financially. I'm so sorry; it sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

Thank you - this is exactly what I've been thinking. For now, I feel like it's the only solution. Yes, I will have resentment, but I've had it for years and have learned how to deal and compartmentalize. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it works for me.

This is so sad. You’ve wasted your life.

She is trying to make the best of her situation. I've read a lot of cruel things on DCUM over the years. But this one really hits. You are one nasty, sad woman.

It’s true, though. She’s wasted her life on a man who doesn’t appreciate her. She should get out asap so she can begin fresh.

+1

Her situation isn't really about "open marriage" at all; it's about a DH who is already a sloppy cheater, even before she tries to reframe it in her head as "we have an open marriage so he's not really cheating on me."

[Anonymous]

This confirms everything I’ve ever thought about open marriages; they’re driven by one person who wants to cheat and one person who grudgingly accepts it because they don’t want to lose the relationship. I’ve been propositioned before by couples, and that fact is what made me always say no. I want no part of that mess.

[Anonymous]

It makes kids so sad to see their dad not treating their mom well. They typically don't have the language to articulate it, and try to hide it to put on a brace face for mom. But it's just as crushing and traumatic as a divorce. I would not factor in the assumption that life would be better for the kids by staying. What decision would you make without thinking that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes kids so sad to see their dad not treating their mom well. They typically don't have the language to articulate it, and try to hide it to put on a brace face for mom. But it's just as crushing and traumatic as a divorce. I would not factor in the assumption that life would be better for the kids by staying. What decision would you make without thinking that?

+1

[Anonymous]

I was able to be happy in a non-monogamous situation when my husband was loving, attentive, we had good communication and I trusted him. We both had a lot of fun and were happy at home.

It is an entirely different scenario when my husband was secretive, checked out and pouring words of affirmation onto his girlfriend while I handled childcare, the house and made the bulk of the HHI. That's a recipe for devaluation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open (Platonic) marriage for reasons specific to our situation. It works for us, but we're in the very specific situation of 1) sex between us is off the table for reasons that are unchangeable and 2) we still love each other very much and are remain essentially soulmates outside of sex. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend your life with him? Those are questions worth answering.

I'm confused by the bracelet (it doesn't seem likely that he's wearing a DILF bracelet to pick up women), but I'll focus on the cheating. Cheating is a bigger issue though. Cheating wasn't part of our story. It was a decision made before anyone went outside the marriage for sex, after a lot of talking and therapy. I think if it starts as a way to excuse cheating its a lot more likely to lead to resentment and fail.

This sounds ideal but it requires a lot of emotional maturity to manage it’s easier to default to the traditional rules, even if it’s making people miserable.

OP, talk to an actual therapist and to your DH. Get clear on what you want for yourself and what you want from your DH. And communicate that.