Staying together with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Last night I found a "DILF" bracelet in my DH's closet. He's cheated in the past, I've forgiven him and we are moving forward. But, I've had no interest in having sex with him because of his past. The bracelet is weird, it's similar to one of those Taylor Swift bracelets all the kids wore to her concerts.

I stayed together for the kids because splitting up would have a major negative impact on them. I'm debating on giving in to an "open marriage" to stay together until the kids are older. Can this work? I feel like I'm running out of options..

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Just get a divorce. In this scenario staying together would not be best for them.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce him for being fool enough to possess such an item.

[Anonymous]

Honestly the idea that you'd have an "open marriage" in response to him cheating smacks to me of you trying to find a way to mentally excuse him for the way he's treating you. Do you have any desire to sleep with other people? Redefining it as an open marriage doesn't change the fact that he's repeatedly mistreated you.

Would you want your kid to stay in a relationship where their spouse disregarded them this much? When you think about staying "for the kids" think about the message you're sending them, that treating a partner like this is okay and that you should accept this treatment.

[Anonymous]

I think you should model for your kids the way you want them to live their lives. Would you want that for your kids? The good news is you can be very amicable coparents. But living a lie will only confuse your kids and lead to resentment. Kids always find out. Plus you deserve better op. I’m sorry. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

So you don't want to have sex, but think he should just accept it? Just call it over and you both can move on. You're not staying "for the kids" you're staying for the lifestyle

[Anonymous]

I'm in an open (Platonic) marriage for reasons specific to our situation. It works for us, but we're in the very specific situation of 1) sex between us is off the table for reasons that are unchangeable and 2) we still love each other very much and are remain essentially soulmates outside of sex. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend your life with him? Those are questions worth answering.

I'm confused by the bracelet (it doesn't seem likely that he's wearing a DILF bracelet to pick up women), but I'll focus on the cheating. Cheating is a bigger issue though. Cheating wasn't part of our story. It was a decision made before anyone went outside the marriage for sex, after a lot of talking and therapy. I think if it starts as a way to excuse cheating its a lot more likely to lead to resentment and fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open (Platonic) marriage for reasons specific to our situation. It works for us, but we're in the very specific situation of 1) sex between us is off the table for reasons that are unchangeable and 2) we still love each other very much and are remain essentially soulmates outside of sex. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend your life with him? Those are questions worth answering.

I'm confused by the bracelet (it doesn't seem likely that he's wearing a DILF bracelet to pick up women), but I'll focus on the cheating. Cheating is a bigger issue though. Cheating wasn't part of our story. It was a decision made before anyone went outside the marriage for sex, after a lot of talking and therapy. I think if it starts as a way to excuse cheating its a lot more likely to lead to resentment and fail.

THIS - Yes, I do love him and hate the idea of not sharing a life together. But, more as life partners, no sex. I'm not attracted to him anymore in a sexual way. (maybe this is how I'm justifying the cheating)

I didn't mention that we've been married for nearly 20 years. We have built a life together and it isn't easy to give it all up. We have shared friends, are very close with each other's families, etc. It's a crappy situation to deal with and I'm trying to figure it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you don't want to have sex, but think he should just accept it? Just call it over and you both can move on. You're not staying "for the kids" you're staying for the lifestyle

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night I found a "DILF" bracelet in my DH's closet. He's cheated in the past, I've forgiven him and we are moving forward. But, I've had no interest in having sex with him because of his past. The bracelet is weird, it's similar to one of those Taylor Swift bracelets all the kids wore to her concerts.

I stayed together for the kids because splitting up would have a major negative impact on them. I'm debating on giving in to an "open marriage" to stay together until the kids are older. Can this work? I feel like I'm running out of options..

Looks like your husband has already opened his side.

[Anonymous]

The bracelet is odd.. Maybe give him the chance to explain? Could it possibly be a joke of some sort?

[Anonymous]

I would very intentionally and openly redefine the marriage and let him know that I’m staying for the sake of finances and stability, but I am no longer here to love or support him as a wife. I will be seeing other people, feel free to do the same (as though he isn’t already).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't want to have sex, but think he should just accept it? Just call it over and you both can move on. You're not staying "for the kids" you're staying for the lifestyle

I agree.

So you’re supposed to happily jump into bed with a confirmed cheater? What BS.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you just don’t want to get a job lol. It also sounds like your DH has no respect for you or your family. He’s already in an open relationship, giving it freely to anyone he can. Assuming his younger plaything gave him that gross bracelet. Honestly really really gross if she’s young enough to make it swiftie-esque. You don’t actually care about it affecting the children, you just don’t want to lose your rich friends and fancy cars and house.

Just know this is the type of relationship you are modelling for your children. No respect, no caring, no truth, no self esteem. I hope you realize how badly that reflects on you both. Your sons are learning it’s totally fine to have multiple side pieces- their POS wives will never leave. And you’ll be responsible for that behavior. Your daughters are learning that they have no value if they aren’t someone’s wife, even if their husband doesn’t love them, doesn’t show them any respect and uses them.

This is why people say that “staying for the kids” isn’t actually helping. At least admit that you want to stay because you’re scared, lazy and don’t want to be alone. Don’t put your la k of self esteem on your poor children.

[Anonymous]

What’s there to open, OP? Your husband is already seeing other people.