Reply to Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, as a SMBC, I empathize with your situation and I wish you the best. But kindly, consider that the judgment and misogyny that you fear facing are as internal as they are external. Calling being a single mom “humiliating“ is pretty rich coming from someone knocked up by a boyfriend. As a PP upthread pointed out, if this kind of thinking is your Northstar in life, you’ve got some work to do. And being blunt, I suggest you get on it.

Marrying your guy would be a catastrophic mistake based on what you’ve said, and doing so to keep the neighbors happy is a glaring indictment of your judgment. So being a single mom by choice is your best bet, and while it’s not for the faint of heart, humiliating is the last word that I would use to describe it. I wish you luck. [/quote]

I dont think there's anything wrong with OP recognizing the stigma that single moms often *do* face in our society, nor venting about her own fears as she realizes, one way or another, she's going to become one. There seem to be a number of very reactionary, somewhat triggered single moms in this thread, who, instead of offering empathy and support, seem to be personally offended by the OP's dilemma, rather than finding solidarity. It's very bizarre behavior. [/quote]

There’s nothing bizarre about it, and your suggestion is irritating gaslighting. Single moms work extraordinarily hard keeping the trains running on time. That is not to suggest that married moms don’t, because that will be your response. But using words like “humiliating“ and “pariah“ are insulting. OP is worried about what others are going to think and seems to be ignoring her own internal sense of shame about this issue. While that’s understandable, sister needs to grow up. Having a baby is when it’s time to put down the Ben & Jerry’s and get your act together. And anyone who’s had kids knows this. While this all may sound harsh to you, and I imagine you’re not a single mom so you probably don’t get it, those of us who are, do. You may not understand our tough love…that also means you don’t understand our situations. All of us are rooting for OP. There’s nobody who is more supportive of a single mom than other single moms. But we don’t cotton to people putting us down. And neither should OP. If she has this baby, she needs to keep her head high. Because that’s what you model for your kids. Hope that helps you understand the “bizarre“ response.[/quote]

No one is saying they don't?  Again, this seems like much more of a personal, knee jerk, emotional reaction to stigma you yourself have experienced of not feeling appreciated as a single mom (which, actually, kind of proves OP's point and the validity of her question) rather than OP implying there's anything bad or lazy or whatever about being a single mom. She was simply asking about the reaction she may face to others, and while I completely get the frustration on your part, as it seems you don't feel appreciated in your role as a single mom, her fears are entirely valid. Even the fact that youre ranting about not getting the support or recognition you wanted, with bizarre asides about "putting the Ben and Jerry's down" (?????), proves that there is indeed a stigma and certain frustrations that come with single motherhood, that divorced moms may not face to the same extent. I think a little bit of inner reflection + empathy and less emotional reactivity would be a very wise idea.[/quote]

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