At what point is a teen "spoiling the nest" (before college) going too far?

[Anonymous]

That "soiling the nest" is a known, common phenomenon doesn't mean that you don't still parent in response to it. Knowing about the phenomenon helps give you a heads up to anticipate it and do things like the PP does like make contracts, have consequences. Also knowing that a lot of teens do this may help you not take it personally. But it's a disservice to yourself, your teen and the rest of the family to put up with this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for tuition, room, board, but don't give her any spending money.

Do the minimal when helping her move in. Dump the stuff on the side, and say, "bye honey, we have to go clean the room you left in a mess".

How on earth did you get to this place.

And yes, for the record, I have a sophomore in college who actually picks up our younger DC when asked and has been doing their own laundry, and cleaning their own room and bathroom. And they work.

This. Zero spending money and don't answer the phone when she calls pay for first semester but let her know she may need a job and apartment second semester because you may not pay and she's not moving back into your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

At this point, I wouldn't even give her the allowance. She has the time, and I assume the means, to get a job. If she is busy with something else important going on, that's one thing. But, if she is not doing anything, then she should get a job.

My older DC told us to stop giving them their allowance as soon as they got a job at 16, which they also worked during the school year (straight A student in a magnet program). The younger DC is planning to get a job as soon as they turn 16. We've communicated this expectation when they were younger. We don't expect them to work much during the school year, but certainly expect more hours during the summer. The older one works only a couple of hours per month while at college, but they are interning now in the summer. If they didn't have the internship, they'd work more hours at their PT job.

We are UMC, btw, so it's not like we cannot afford the allowance, but it's about teaching them some responsibility, including financial responsibility and independence.

I guess I can understand that some kids are more stubborn than others (my kids are actually pretty stubborn - takes after the mom ... me ), but when they are stubborn, unfortunately, you have to be stronger and really put your foot down and be immovable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you pay for her gas? Or for her car for that matter?

+1 that and paying for the cell phone would be the first to go.

She could afford to get her own phone by the end of that day. She wouldn't care. And if she got her own phone, it wouldn't have Life360 on it.

She’s going to college in a month. Do you plan on tracking her there????

[Anonymous]

Why does she have a car and phone that you’re paying for? Why does she have a bedroom door?

[Anonymous]

An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such BS. The point is now, or a long time ago. There may be something to the "spoiling the nest" phenomenon in terms of it being common, but that doesn't mean it's inevitable or acceptable. You still PARENt for God's sake.

Crack down NOW.

Take the car away immediately if she is not willing to help the family with it.

Absolutely no money give to her for anything but tuition and room and board.

Tell her if she doesn't clean up her room, you all will go in and clean it for her and change her an hourly rate. I am not kidding. If she can't keep it clean, no privacy.

Also, if you're paying for her phone and own the phone, tell her that is next. She can feel whatever she wants to feel but that is not license to treat you like dirt. The free ride stops now.

Yup! I don't get how a parent could get to this place. After 2-3 days of it, I'd be shutting that all down. Don't drive to get your siblings, get something from grocery store, etc (whatever we are requesting), then you don't get keys to the car at all.

this is way beyond soiling the nest. My kids didn't do this, because they knew a long time ago that shit was unacceptable. if you are part of the family you have "jobs". if you don't do your job, then you loose your privileges. That started as a toddler and expanded, age appropriately, as they grew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

So she loses her job because you take her car or she buys her own. It’s very simple, you just make it hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

Then she can pay you for having to adjust your schedule to pick up younger sibling. She can pay you car payment, insurance and gas monthly (that would be $500-600+ easily per month). I would not fund anything extra in college---her spending money is on her, and if she "chooses to spend it having to pay you $25 to pick up sibling, and $500/month to pay for the vehicle" that's "her choice".
Don't fall for the guilt trip. Adults have to go to work and still do other "work" at home. Welcome to adulthood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

So you've taught her that she should prioritize herself over the family. If you want her to be more balanced, you need to teach her how to balance. Otherwise, she will go out into the world thinking her first, everyone else second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

You just say, "No car if you can't help out with picking up the siblings. Can't get to your job? oh well. If you want the privilege of using the car to get to work, you need to contribute to drop off/pick ups. You can do the pick up even if you're tired. When you're an adult, and you have responsibilities, you still do them even if you're tired"

As for cleaning her room, just how messy is it? She is going to have "clean" her room when she packs up for college. If she doesn't want to clean her room now, don't clean it for her. My only issue with that is the vent in the room will pick up the dust from her room and spread it around the house. That's why I make our kids dust their rooms.

You can tell her that if she doesn't clean her room, when she goes off to college, you will clean her room for her, with garbage bags.

[Anonymous]

It’s past time for her to understand that the world does not revolve around her.

And cut off her allowance. Allowances are for 7 yr olds. She should be paying for her insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. plus her own spending money. Sounds like she can easily do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

She kind of has a point. Your OP painted her as a lazy kid who expects to be waited on hand and foot. But she clearly has ambition and work ethic. I would try picking my battles. Ignore the messy room and let her roommate fight that battle with her if she doesn't change her habits by the fall. Stop making her pick up her siblings, especially if she's worked a double shift that day. They're your kids, not hers. Don't take it personally when she cops an attitude. Do these things and I'd bet a large sum that she lightens up as well.

And for God's sake take Life360 off her phone before she goes to college.

[Anonymous]

So she’s been great 874 week of her life and not so great 10 week and you want to punish her. That 99% great. Are you good 99% of the time.

You people are wild.

Just leave her alone ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

You just say, "No car if you can't help out with picking up the siblings. Can't get to your job? oh well. If you want the privilege of using the car to get to work, you need to contribute to drop off/pick ups. You can do the pick up even if you're tired. When you're an adult, and you have responsibilities, you still do them even if you're tired"

As for cleaning her room, just how messy is it? She is going to have "clean" her room when she packs up for college. If she doesn't want to clean her room now, don't clean it for her. My only issue with that is the vent in the room will pick up the dust from her room and spread it around the house. That's why I make our kids dust their rooms.

You can tell her that if she doesn't clean her room, when she goes off to college, you will clean her room for her, with garbage bags.

Don’t listen to this psycho