At what point is a teen "spoiling the nest" (before college) going too far?

[Anonymous]

My husband is at his wit's end with her. Our daughter is being belligerent, defiant, comes and goes as she pleases, doesn't lift a finger all summer, refuses to contribute and pick up her young siblings from activities (in a car/gas/insurance we pay for), and her room is a disaster zone. So after 10 weeks of being treated like garbage by her we're supposed to smile and nod and write a $38,000 check and tell her 'have fun sweetie'?

[Anonymous]

Pay for tuition, room, board, but don't give her any spending money.

Do the minimal when helping her move in. Dump the stuff on the side, and say, "bye honey, we have to go clean the room you left in a mess".

How on earth did you get to this place.

And yes, for the record, I have a sophomore in college who actually picks up our younger DC when asked and has been doing their own laundry, and cleaning their own room and bathroom. And they work.

[Anonymous]

Why do you pay for her gas? Or for her car for that matter?

[Anonymous]

sounds like she needs a spank!ng!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you pay for her gas? Or for her car for that matter?

+1 that and paying for the cell phone would be the first to go.

[Anonymous]

This is such BS. The point is now, or a long time ago. There may be something to the "spoiling the nest" phenomenon in terms of it being common, but that doesn't mean it's inevitable or acceptable. You still PARENt for God's sake.

Crack down NOW.

Take the car away immediately if she is not willing to help the family with it.

Absolutely no money give to her for anything but tuition and room and board.

Tell her if she doesn't clean up her room, you all will go in and clean it for her and change her an hourly rate. I am not kidding. If she can't keep it clean, no privacy.

Also, if you're paying for her phone and own the phone, tell her that is next. She can feel whatever she wants to feel but that is not license to treat you like dirt. The free ride stops now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you pay for her gas? Or for her car for that matter?

+1 that and paying for the cell phone would be the first to go.

Have a sit down and threaten the loss of the car in relationship to not meeting responsibilities of driving siblings etc.
Clarify that she is now an adult contributer to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such BS. The point is now, or a long time ago. There may be something to the "spoiling the nest" phenomenon in terms of it being common, but that doesn't mean it's inevitable or acceptable. You still PARENt for God's sake.

Crack down NOW.

Take the car away immediately if she is not willing to help the family with it.

Absolutely no money give to her for anything but tuition and room and board.

Tell her if she doesn't clean up her room, you all will go in and clean it for her and change her an hourly rate. I am not kidding. If she can't keep it clean, no privacy.

Also, if you're paying for her phone and own the phone, tell her that is next. She can feel whatever she wants to feel but that is not license to treat you like dirt. The free ride stops now.

I have told my teen DD that if she doesn't clean her room, I'll do it for her. And she knows what that means -- things go in the trash bag.

[Anonymous]

We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Set the boundaries OP
It may or may not work but you will need defined boundaries when she comes home during Thanksgiving.
Soiling the nest is one thing.
Total disrespect and refinance is another.
And then pay the check and ship her out in a month and it would be totally okay to be happy that she is gone for a while.

[Anonymous]

I would have a serious conversation and make it clear that you will not be funding her lifestyle if she does not contribute.

That’s not a little separation attitude: what you described is totally unacceptable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is at his wit's end with her. Our daughter is being belligerent, defiant, comes and goes as she pleases, doesn't lift a finger all summer, refuses to contribute and pick up her young siblings from activities (in a car/gas/insurance we pay for), and her room is a disaster zone. So after 10 weeks of being treated like garbage by her we're supposed to smile and nod and write a $38,000 check and tell her 'have fun sweetie'?

Sounds like the only thing spoiled here is your child. You: you spoiled your child. Now you’re dealing with a leftover mess of your overindulgent privileged parenting. You can still rein it in!!! Get to it!

[Anonymous]

The others are right. You let this go way too far. This is not spiking the nest. Unfortunately to get it back under control, it’s going to be painful -
Much more so than if you had dealt with it early on.

No ideas besides what’s been said. We’ve long had the rule that car usage is contingent on doing errands and keeping up your share of the chores. And if you’re not working you likely won’t get the car because you won’t have money for gas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you pay for her gas? Or for her car for that matter?

+1 that and paying for the cell phone would be the first to go.

She could afford to get her own phone by the end of that day. She wouldn't care. And if she got her own phone, it wouldn't have Life360 on it.