At what point is a teen "spoiling the nest" (before college) going too far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

So she loses her job because you take her car or she buys her own. It’s very simple, you just make it hard.

You got to move out of the "punishing" mindset. Technically she's now an adult, your fiscal responsibilities to her are over and she is equally free to move out on her own and never listen or talk to you again. Everything now is on different terms than when she was a child. You've got to figure out together what her role in your household is going to be--have a discussion about that--what are you going to provide (and lay on the table all that you are providing--food, shelter, utilities, college, any services like cooking, cleaning, etc.) and what is she going to contribute. If you are relying on her to pick up her siblings, she can't pick up an extra shift at work during that time. If she does, she calls and pays for an uber for them. At the same time if her job is dependent on working certain hours, it may be unreasonable to expect her to pick them up. The point isn't to punish--the point is to get her to see she's now an adult with responsibilities and you aren't her doormat in perpetuity. Write this all down.

You aren't "lucky" that she's saving up money for herself or getting good grades--those are for herself, not you. None of this has anything to do with your love of her, your pride for her, your happiness in her successes, your concern for her well-being, your excitement for her future etc. All those can --and should--be continually expressed while still insisting on a respectful, reciprocal relationship from another adult--albeit--your newly adult child-- in your home.

[Anonymous]

This thread should be pinned to show how psycho and passive aggressive women are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like the only actual problem here is that she’s not helping out when you need her. Is that right? Have you tried talking calmly to her about it? Do you actually expect her to skip her work shifts to pick up her sibling? Or wake up early if she worked very late?

Is this your daughter or step daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

you sound absolutely nuts …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

That some crazy mental gymnastics. I dint even think you have adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

you sound absolutely nuts …

Jinx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

You sound weirdly angry that she’s self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

She kind of has a point. Your OP painted her as a lazy kid who expects to be waited on hand and foot. But she clearly has ambition and work ethic. I would try picking my battles. Ignore the messy room and let her roommate fight that battle with her if she doesn't change her habits by the fall. Stop making her pick up her siblings, especially if she's worked a double shift that day. They're your kids, not hers. Don't take it personally when she cops an attitude. Do these things and I'd bet a large sum that she lightens up as well.

And for God's sake take Life360 off her phone before she goes to college.

Being a country club lifeguard who sunbaths and socializes all day or cart girl driving around serving drinks to old rich guys for $20 tips demonstrates a high degree of ambition and work ethic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

She kind of has a point. Your OP painted her as a lazy kid who expects to be waited on hand and foot. But she clearly has ambition and work ethic. I would try picking my battles. Ignore the messy room and let her roommate fight that battle with her if she doesn't change her habits by the fall. Stop making her pick up her siblings, especially if she's worked a double shift that day. They're your kids, not hers. Don't take it personally when she cops an attitude. Do these things and I'd bet a large sum that she lightens up as well.

And for God's sake take Life360 off her phone before she goes to college.

Being a country club lifeguard who sunbaths and socializes all day or cart girl driving around serving drinks to old rich guys for $20 tips demonstrates a high degree of ambition and work ethic?

Says the SAHM with toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

You sound weirdly angry that she’s self-sufficient.

Me thinks the H is controlling and OP is enmeshed and this poor girl just needs to get the f out of that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

you sound absolutely nuts …

I grew up middle class -- everyone from the class president to total screw ups and drug addicts had summer jobs. A high school kid with summer job reveals absolutely nothing about character, maturity, or ambition.

[Anonymous]

She is working full time and saving money. I really don't see the issue. A messy room is not a big deal. Close the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

I feel like you should have given this information up front. Whether she’s being a jerk depends on the type of job, the amount she works and what exactly you’re asking her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

My kid is getting ready to go back for her sophomore year of college.

Something you didn’t mention is that both you and your DH have anxiety about her leaving and all that entails.

Coupled with her anxiety about leaving home the situation is just hard right now.

The truth is within a few weeks she will be coming and going as she pleases at school, and she won’t be around to pick up your younger kids. You need to start to adjust yourselves to the change and accept and realize it’s harder than you thought.

If you need the car then tell her she will need to make other arrangements to get to school. Doesn’t matter what job she has it’s still work / a job and not free time. Don’t factor her into future summer plans for your younger kids. Is you are bitter about the phone tell her to get her own phone plan. If her room is a mess than close the door. In a few weeks you will go in and end up cleaning anyway once she is gone