At what point is a teen "spoiling the nest" (before college) going too far?

[Anonymous]

So what exactly IS sh***ing the nest??

[Anonymous]

It’s not her job to parent her siblings. No more money.

[Anonymous]

What? The first time she doesn’t pick up her siblings, the car is gone for a week. Second time a month. Are you one of those morons who is suckering society with people who were never disciplined? That’s exactly how you make the crappy adult you are starting to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not her job to parent her siblings. No more money.

Giving siblings rides isn't parenting her siblings--it's what this family has decided is an appropriate contribution for her to the family. Family chores *are* her job if she's going to be living in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly IS sh***ing the nest??

It's a name for the common phenomenon when teens act like jerks just before leaving home as a way to process the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

So she loses her job because you take her car or she buys her own. It’s very simple, you just make it hard.

You got to move out of the "punishing" mindset. Technically she's now an adult, your fiscal responsibilities to her are over and she is equally free to move out on her own and never listen or talk to you again. Everything now is on different terms than when she was a child. You've got to figure out together what her role in your household is going to be--have a discussion about that--what are you going to provide (and lay on the table all that you are providing--food, shelter, utilities, college, any services like cooking, cleaning, etc.) and what is she going to contribute. If you are relying on her to pick up her siblings, she can't pick up an extra shift at work during that time. If she does, she calls and pays for an uber for them. At the same time if her job is dependent on working certain hours, it may be unreasonable to expect her to pick them up. The point isn't to punish--the point is to get her to see she's now an adult with responsibilities and you aren't her doormat in perpetuity. Write this all down.

You aren't "lucky" that she's saving up money for herself or getting good grades--those are for herself, not you. None of this has anything to do with your love of her, your pride for her, your happiness in her successes, your concern for her well-being, your excitement for her future etc. All those can --and should--be continually expressed while still insisting on a respectful, reciprocal relationship from another adult--albeit--your newly adult child-- in your home.

This is your answer. It's more about figuring out your boundaries and house rules, as well as pointing out the fact that she is still expecting things from you (tuition, room, board, etc) so it's fair that she contributes to running the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not her job to parent her siblings. No more money.

Giving siblings rides isn't parenting her siblings--it's what this family has decided is an appropriate contribution for her to the family. Family chores *are* her job if she's going to be living in the house.

Don’t have more kids than you can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly IS sh***ing the nest??

It's a name for the common phenomenon when teens act like jerks just before leaving home as a way to process the transition.

It’s Psychology Today bullshit. Overeducated idiots trying to rationalize the behavior of their spoiled brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

OK, so she isn't picking up her siblings because she's at work? that's way different from saying no for no reason?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her to clean her room by x day or she loses car privileges. If she wants to live like a pig she can go pay rent for an apartment. She thinks she is adulting because she has a job but her lifestyle is completely subsidized by you both. She needs to respect the house rules or lose the subsidy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An allowance? She’s 18. My kids stopped getting an allowance when they got their first jobs. Where did she work this summer? My kid works and pays for his own gas, insurance, and for all of his own fun stuff.

Why do people act like a summer job is some magic bullet which teens humble and grateful? If anything, it makes them less accountable, gives them chances to duck off, make excuses, claim to be too tired, too busy, and the money in their pocket makes them feel like they can tell you to buzz off because they have their own money now and don't need to pretend to be nice for a $50 or $100 Venmo transfer.

Lol. That's exactly how a job made my kid feel. He now stops asking me for expensive things. Heck, he has stopped asking me for anything because now he knows the actual cost of it. He makes money but not enough to act like a jerk to me. Once he pays his bills, he's in the same boat with me. It's the best thing he's ever done in terms of an attitude fix. Now he's tired and pretty much broke like us. All of those years of informing him that adults have a long list of things they have to do but may not want to do is finally getting through to him. Thank you minimum wage work!

[Anonymous]

Teen jobs put upper middle class children around unvetted creepers and bad influences. Some of my best girlfriends in high school were sleeping with their 20-something bosses at dead-end jobs, introduced to drugs, binge drinking, the whole nine. One nearly 30 year old creep manager of a cafe tried to propose to my friend before we left for college. We had just turned 18 that summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living this right now as well.
Rules we have put in place.
If she can't pick up sibling such that I need to do it, there is no using the car that day.
If clothes are not put away, we do not "give back" clean clothes that somehow found the way into the hall hamper.
We sat down and spoke about financial expectations - my DD decided not to work this summer - fine - we are not providing spending $ beyond the small allowance that she has always had. Not giving money for gifts for friends birthday gifts, starbucks habit etc.
When she decided not to get a job, I wrote on a piece of paper the agreement and she signed it. Is is taped up on the wall so we are all on the same page.

She has a job at the country club and saves every cent. She has a lot of money for her age in the bank. And she constantly picks up shifts to make more money. It's also a convenient excuse for everything. I can't do ___, gotta work. Sorry I didn't do ___, so tired from work.

If we consider punishing her, we get guilt tripped that she had good grades and has a job and we don't know how lucky we are. Other parents often tell us this. Can't win.

OK, so she isn't picking up her siblings because she's at work? that's way different from saying no for no reason?

No. Picking up or dropping off a sibling on way to work or way home. In no way out of the way, she’s just saying no to everything be defiant and act uncontrollable.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably prostituting at the country club. The money is too good and she’s exhausted from keeping old men happy.

[Anonymous]

This post embodies what is wrong with kids today. Parents don’t want to parent.