Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X?  Maybe they need a specific task.  Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?[/quote]

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something,[b] they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.). [/b]

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and [b]enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving. [/b]

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

[/quote]

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle.   Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?[/quote]

It sounds like the other siblings are doing this to a degree as well. Unhelpful Sibling is simply choosing to not contribute. It is their right. And then they are choosing to not have a good relationship with the other siblings. [/quote]

No, the other siblings are making that choice.  “Unhelpful” sibling isnt trying to dictate what the others do/don’t do in regards to caring for the parents. He is letting them choose for themselves.  
Help your parent if you want, or don’t—but if you let that interfere with your relationship with your sibling that’s on YOU.[/quote]

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