Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X?  Maybe they need a specific task.  Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?[/quote]

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something,[b] they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.). [/b]

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and [b]enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving. [/b]

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

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It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle.   Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?[/quote]

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend? [/quote]

Because they don't want to.   And they don't have to.  
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage.    They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

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All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

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