How to navigate care for aging parent(s) when siblings live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have a CTJ talk with both parents and siblings. Put down your boundaries. You are moving out. You work and have a family as well. You will be availabe X hours/week only.

If siblings are not willing to take on any burdens, then here are the two choices:

1) You hire paid caregivers
2) you sell parents home and they go to assisted living.

In the meantime, you should pay yourself from your parents money for your caregiving. Even if they get paid caregivers and/or go to AL, you will still be doing all the doctor's appointments, etc. It is not fair for siblings to inherit equally while you do all the work.

signed--sole caregiver who moved parent from west coast to east coast because nearby sibling refused to do anything. Mom is in AL now, with dementia. I still spend 4-8 hours/week on care, visits, etc (and work f/t and have kids and pets; sibling is single with no kids but just not willing/able).

I completely agree with this. I am a sibling that lives far away (I live in the DC area and my Dad lives in CA, as does one sibling) and my sibling gets paid. He gets $25/hr for any physical care of my dad (this is mostly driving him on errands or to appointments) plus reimbursement for gas (federal rate.) He also takes care of some bill paying and other paperwork for my dad and gets $35/hr for that. These are the amounts my sibling chose (I think he should get paid more, but this is what he wants.)

[Anonymous]

You say “I had to move into their home.”
No, actually, you didn’t HAVE to. You chose to do that.

There are all kinds of older people who don’t even have children who have refused to leave their homes and refused to have in person care. Those people typically muddle along until some accident or illness gets them into a nursing home. That is what could’ve happened to your parents.

Apparently that was unacceptable to you. But that doesn’t mean it was unacceptable to your siblings. And that doesn’t make them bad people. Your siblings may feel that your parents are making bad choices and they do not want to give up their lives to go along with your parents’ refusal to make any changes.

Your issue really is with your parents, not your siblings. And with yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed and do not want to do this anymore that is fine and you can start setting some boundaries and making changes. But that’s you making decisions about **your life.** You don’t get to make decisions about your siblings’ lives, or decide how they spend their vacation time from work, etc. etc. It may be a lot easier for you to vilify your siblings than to take a hard look at your relationship with your parents, and also to look at your own life and whether you are neglecting your own needs.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses.

Unfortunately, there is no pot of money to pay me for my time...nor do I want any money from my parents.

There isn't any money for FT paid help either (my BFF is going through a very similar situation, so I know what round the clock help costs in my area...wowza is it high!).

I still have my own place and my own family; I've just been forced to stay with my parents.

If they sell their home, it might pay for assisted living for a couple of years. Maybe. Assisted living in my area is also very, very expensive.

My parents want to age in place. Honestly, I'd be willing to cover 60-70% of the responsibility to allow them to age in place if only my siblings would step up and do something.

To the poster who said nobody with kids can check out for 6-12 weeks, I disagree. They can work remotely, so they wouldn't need to take time off. Their spouse can handle the kids for a week at a time (I'm talking about cumulative weeks, not back to back). How can I be so sure? Because these are people who periodically travel for work and somehow their spouses manage adulting and parenting without them.

My siblings live within driving distance (or a very short commuter flight)...it's not as though they live in another time zone.

I just want them to help out. Why is that so hard for them to understand?

You want to know the worst part? I answered the phone at their home recently and a distant relative was calling to check in. They said they had recently run into one of my siblings and they thought it was "so nice how Larla is stepping up to help out our parents." Larla is my sister, and let's just say she is not helping out in any meaningful way. I was floored. I had to listen to this relative praise my sister who has literally done nothing beyond showing up at family events/holidays and essentially acting like a guest (staying at our parents' house and "volunteering" to stay with them as I do the grocery shopping or suggesting she will entertain them as I "take a break to pick up dinner...and offering to pick up the bill for carryout." Thank you, Mother Teresa!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say “I had to move into their home.”
No, actually, you didn’t HAVE to. You chose to do that.

There are all kinds of older people who don’t even have children who have refused to leave their homes and refused to have in person care. Those people typically muddle along until some accident or illness gets them into a nursing home. That is what could’ve happened to your parents.

Apparently that was unacceptable to you. But that doesn’t mean it was unacceptable to your siblings. And that doesn’t make them bad people. Your siblings may feel that your parents are making bad choices and they do not want to give up their lives to go along with your parents’ refusal to make any changes.

Your issue really is with your parents, not your siblings. And with yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed and do not want to do this anymore that is fine and you can start setting some boundaries and making changes. But that’s you making decisions about **your life.** You don’t get to make decisions about your siblings’ lives, or decide how they spend their vacation time from work, etc. etc. It may be a lot easier for you to vilify your siblings than to take a hard look at your relationship with your parents, and also to look at your own life and whether you are neglecting your own needs.

Safe assumptions, but not quite accurate.

One parent landed in the hospital and when my siblings heard they called a group meeting where they essentially told me, "You know they'll never agree to move into assisted living or bring a caregiver or helper into their home, so the only option for now is for you to stay with them until we can figure out what to do." That was more than a year ago. They realize our parents aren't safe on their own, and they assume I'll just fall in line and care for them.

If I just stopped doing what I'm doing, it would be a disaster. I'm not willing to have that on my conscience.

All I need is a little bit of help. What I'm asking for pales in comparison to what I am doing, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with them barking orders from afar, offering faux sympathy from afar ("Wish I were closer by so I could help"), and showing up for quick visits when it's essentially a required attendance thing (holiday, family function) and thinking they are helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say “I had to move into their home.”
No, actually, you didn’t HAVE to. You chose to do that.

There are all kinds of older people who don’t even have children who have refused to leave their homes and refused to have in person care. Those people typically muddle along until some accident or illness gets them into a nursing home. That is what could’ve happened to your parents.

Apparently that was unacceptable to you. But that doesn’t mean it was unacceptable to your siblings. And that doesn’t make them bad people. Your siblings may feel that your parents are making bad choices and they do not want to give up their lives to go along with your parents’ refusal to make any changes.

Your issue really is with your parents, not your siblings. And with yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed and do not want to do this anymore that is fine and you can start setting some boundaries and making changes. But that’s you making decisions about **your life.** You don’t get to make decisions about your siblings’ lives, or decide how they spend their vacation time from work, etc. etc. It may be a lot easier for you to vilify your siblings than to take a hard look at your relationship with your parents, and also to look at your own life and whether you are neglecting your own needs.

My parents sacrificed so much for my siblings and offered nothing but unconditional love. It's not like there is any bad blood there.

They just opted to put down roots somewhere else, and that's okay.

Our parents are quite elderly and frail. They won't live forever. I am well aware that I am their only chance at aging in place for at least a while longer (at least while there are two of them), and I am fine with doing more than my siblings. But it isn't fair for me to do everything. All I'm asking of them is *something* ... do *something* to help your parents.

And stop telling relatives that "we" are stepping up to care for our parents and how hard it is juggling everything when you haven't even seen them since christmas.

You know what pushed me over the edge? My aunt called me to ask for my sister's address so she could send her a gift certificate for a spa day since she sounded stressed out. She has more money, less kids, and a breadwinner spouse...I have no clue why anyone would think she's stressed out. We talk daily, and I'm confident she doesn't have anything beyond normal adulting stuff on her plate. Given what my aunt said about what good kids we are for taking such good care of our parents, I'm pretty sure she must have made it sound like she's going above and beyond with caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses.

Unfortunately, there is no pot of money to pay me for my time...nor do I want any money from my parents.

There isn't any money for FT paid help either (my BFF is going through a very similar situation, so I know what round the clock help costs in my area...wowza is it high!).

I still have my own place and my own family; I've just been forced to stay with my parents.

If they sell their home, it might pay for assisted living for a couple of years. Maybe. Assisted living in my area is also very, very expensive.

My parents want to age in place. Honestly, I'd be willing to cover 60-70% of the responsibility to allow them to age in place if only my siblings would step up and do something.

To the poster who said nobody with kids can check out for 6-12 weeks, I disagree. They can work remotely, so they wouldn't need to take time off. Their spouse can handle the kids for a week at a time (I'm talking about cumulative weeks, not back to back). How can I be so sure? Because these are people who periodically travel for work and somehow their spouses manage adulting and parenting without them.

My siblings live within driving distance (or a very short commuter flight)...it's not as though they live in another time zone.

I just want them to help out. Why is that so hard for them to understand?

You want to know the worst part? I answered the phone at their home recently and a distant relative was calling to check in. They said they had recently run into one of my siblings and they thought it was "so nice how Larla is stepping up to help out our parents." Larla is my sister, and let's just say she is not helping out in any meaningful way. I was floored. I had to listen to this relative praise my sister who has literally done nothing beyond showing up at family events/holidays and essentially acting like a guest (staying at our parents' house and "volunteering" to stay with them as I do the grocery shopping or suggesting she will entertain them as I "take a break to pick up dinner...and offering to pick up the bill for carryout." Thank you, Mother Teresa!

You are dreaming about something that will not happen. Most people are not okay traveling a lot for work away from their kids, and it sounds like that's the case with your siblings who literally work from home, presumably to be present for their kids. Your parents are not their children, and you are the one who is enabling their choice to keep living at home. Accept that the situation will not change until you yourself assert yourself with your parents about your needs.

[Anonymous]

I mean you have made a choice. I would never move in with my parents. Never in a million years. And if they die sooner because they want to “age in place”, then I’m totally at peace with that. We all get to make our own choices.

Being mad at your siblings because you feel you need to be a martyr is ridiculous. They have been very clear they won’t help. Believe them.

[Anonymous]

Do you have children yourself op? Did they move in too?

[Anonymous]

Tell them you are going to be taking vacation X weeks. Tell them they will need to come take care of parents. Give them ten weeks or whatever and tell them you will be taking six and which ones work best.

If you can’t afford that much vacation lie and stay at your own place but say you are away. Do not let them know you are in town.

I’m the sibling who does everything. One time a hurricane was headed our way and my inland siblings refused to take them in. I drove my parents to their house, dropped them off, and kept driving to take myself on vacation away from the hurricane zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children yourself op? Did they move in too?

Yes, my partner and I have children. I'm going back and forth between my own home and my parents' home. Sometimes my partner and our kids stay over at my parents' house on the weekends/over holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children yourself op? Did they move in too?

Yes, my partner and I have children. I'm going back and forth between my own home and my parents' home. Sometimes my partner and our kids stay over at my parents' house on the weekends/over holidays.

You need to prioritize your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you are going to be taking vacation X weeks. Tell them they will need to come take care of parents. Give them ten weeks or whatever and tell them you will be taking six and which ones work best.

If you can’t afford that much vacation lie and stay at your own place but say you are away. Do not let them know you are in town.

I’m the sibling who does everything. One time a hurricane was headed our way and my inland siblings refused to take them in. I drove my parents to their house, dropped them off, and kept driving to take myself on vacation away from the hurricane zone.

That's awesome, pp!

I mean, sad that your siblings wouldn't do the right thing unless it was literally dumped on their doorstep, but good for you!

I will take my folks with me on my typical week at the beach summer vacation. Sadly, my siblings never offer to do the same because it would be out of their way. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children yourself op? Did they move in too?

Yes, my partner and I have children. I'm going back and forth between my own home and my parents' home. Sometimes my partner and our kids stay over at my parents' house on the weekends/over holidays.

You need to prioritize your own family.

Great idea!

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

If your siblings called a group meeting a year ago, and you agreed to help out until everyone figured out what to do, you need to call another group meeting and say that the situation as it is now is not working out for you and you need to know what if anything they are willing to contribute.

If the answer is that they will do essentially nothing, you need to accept that and decide what if anything you are willing to do.

That may mean having a meeting with your parents and saying that you are not willing to live with them anymore and that they need to accept outside help and paid caregivers or move or whatever.

You think your siblings could leave their kids and their lives for however long you think is reasonable, but **they do not want to do that.** You think your parents should not have to disrupt any aspect of their lives but you think that the siblings should. You have decided to do that with your own life but that is a decision that you made, no one forced you to do it. Until you take that to heart and realize that you are the only one who can make changes to the situation, nothing will happen. Even if your siblings came for a week or two you would still be mad at how unfair the situation is.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who is posted here a couple times telling you that you need to focus on yourself and set your own boundaries. You act as though being local you are the default caregiver. I am the main helper for my elder parents even though I live three hours away. (I visit frequently and manage in home paid caregivers.) I have a sibling who lives about 40 minutes away from them who does far less than me. I do not resent that **at all** because I realize that everything I do for my parents is my choice. My sibling does not feel the need to do any of this and is fine for my parents to muddle along, be alone, live in a nursing home, etc. I am never resentful of him because everything I do for my parents—which includes going there and spending weeks away from my family to help them through health crises—I do voluntarily. I would never, never expect him to go live with them or spend weeks with them. He has his own life and his own kids and he does not want to do this. That is not unreasonable. He has what he is willing to do, I have what I am willing to do, and my parents will just have to live with that.