How to navigate care for aging parent(s) when siblings live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

[Anonymous]

“You must make them step up.” What?? Terrible advice. You cannot *make* someone “step up.” Whatever it means to “step up.”

Why shouldn’t the *parents* step up and accept reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

PP here. Thanks.

In addition, "step up" also means "own up to your own decisions." Right now, OP is the camouflage that lets them not see what they are doing. They can avoid it.

I'd actually have respect for someone who said, "Hey, I can't and won't deal with this" instead of "so, let us know if we can help." That would at least be stepping up to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

ICYMI: most people can’t afford assisted living.

I know a single person who pays $11k per month for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

ICYMI: most people can’t afford assisted living.

I know a single person who pays $11k per month for assisted living.

DP here
Then they spend down all their assets and go into a Medicaid home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses.

Unfortunately, there is no pot of money to pay me for my time...nor do I want any money from my parents.

There isn't any money for FT paid help either (my BFF is going through a very similar situation, so I know what round the clock help costs in my area...wowza is it high!).

I still have my own place and my own family; I've just been forced to stay with my parents.

If they sell their home, it might pay for assisted living for a couple of years. Maybe. Assisted living in my area is also very, very expensive.

My parents want to age in place. Honestly, I'd be willing to cover 60-70% of the responsibility to allow them to age in place if only my siblings would step up and do something.

To the poster who said nobody with kids can check out for 6-12 weeks, I disagree. They can work remotely, so they wouldn't need to take time off. Their spouse can handle the kids for a week at a time (I'm talking about cumulative weeks, not back to back). How can I be so sure? Because these are people who periodically travel for work and somehow their spouses manage adulting and parenting without them.

My siblings live within driving distance (or a very short commuter flight)...it's not as though they live in another time zone.

I just want them to help out. Why is that so hard for them to understand?

You want to know the worst part? I answered the phone at their home recently and a distant relative was calling to check in. They said they had recently run into one of my siblings and they thought it was "so nice how Larla is stepping up to help out our parents." Larla is my sister, and let's just say she is not helping out in any meaningful way. I was floored. I had to listen to this relative praise my sister who has literally done nothing beyond showing up at family events/holidays and essentially acting like a guest (staying at our parents' house and "volunteering" to stay with them as I do the grocery shopping or suggesting she will entertain them as I "take a break to pick up dinner...and offering to pick up the bill for carryout." Thank you, Mother Teresa!

Why do you think your parents' "WANTS" take priority of your siblings' NEEDS of taking care of their own families, careers, and mental health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, When one of your parents ends up in the hospital you need to make sure that parent is routed to a nursing home or assisted living directly upon release.
Be really firm with the hospital social worker.

THIS!!! THIS!!!

OP, this! I'm in a similar situation-my sibling lives far away and I am close by, but not with them. I feel strongly that my own dc needs to have their own space to be a child yet. And I work full time with a long commute. Anyhow, my parents have been resistant to help in the home-don't want 'strangers' in the house-but I've had to get hardnosed about it. I've had to accept that they will feel results of poor choice making. Meaning, there will be another fall that will require the hospital. Last time, they refused for Dad to go to rehab and the hospital promptly called me at work to get him! If my sib hadn't happened to be visiting (scheduled visit before the fall), I would not have been able to even get him in the house. That is NOT happening again-I've had to formulate a plan in my head to ensure that he will go where he needs to go, or to have the needed help at home arranged. They actually did agree to one day a week help for him to bathe, which has gone well.

This is a lot easier to say than to actually have to do...

Anyhow, OP, you do need to prioritize your own life and family. Do what you can to make their home as safe as possible, get on their hippa paperwork with the drs so you can talk to them. Are you POA? Will your folks subscribe to a life alert type service? Do you know where their list of meds is (in case of er visit, it's good to know how to find this). These things help. I do what I can, which is see them daily, help around the house, go to some but not all appts. I've also picked Dad up more than once but sometimes I have to call for lift assistance. I *cannot* move in, do full time care or pay for that on my own. Sibling cannot simply leave his career and life either-that's not fair or possible. So we do what we can, and that's what it will be. It's hard OP, I get it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became the default caregiver since my siblings live out of state. It was fine when my parents were relatively independent, but now that one requires more care (fall risk and forgetful), I had to move into their home.

There is no money for round the clock care or even PT help (plus, they don't want "a stranger" in their home).

They refuse to leave their home.

I can't move them into my place (too small).

My siblings always offer to help in very empty ways ("Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.") The reality is they can't help because they aren't here. And they won't kick in money to pay for PT help (plus: our parents don't want strangers in their home).

Has anyone successfully navigated this and somehow come up with a solution?

I would love it if my siblings would take turns visiting for a week or two at time so I could have a break. They both work from home so they could easily do that from my parents' house (it has wifi). They both have school-aged kids, but they also have spouses.

I'm wondering why they feel it's okay for everything to fall on me...and why they think it's okay for them to use their own family and work responsibilities as an excuse? I mean, I have a family and work responsibilities, too.

PS - Please don't say that everyone should chip in for hired help. My siblings won't (they both say they can't afford it), plus my parents are adamant they won't have a stranger in their house (they know people whose hired help stole from them).

Your parents are the issue, and I say this with love as my parents were the same way. They didn’t want to move and didn’t like strangers in. That put the burden on my sister. I live 3K miles away. After my father passed, my mother was forced out due to finances and is now in assisted living. Your siblings recognize this, like I did. Did I go out to visit? Yes. But the last time was so traumatic that I have not gone back since. It will take me a lot to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I totally understand your frustration and anger at this situation.

Your siblings are selfish jerks.

If it’s any consolation, having spend nearly a decade in elder care/hospice care, this is a very common occurrence even when all the siblings live nearby - there is typically one adult child who ends up carrying the vast majority of the load of caring for elder parents. It’s typically a female adult child and more often than not the eldest, or the eldest of the females.

It’s not fair and there is no acceptable excuse, especially when you all have family obligations of your own. Your siblings are selfish jerks. They will most likely never properly thank you for the huge sacrifices you are making to take care of your elderly parents, either.

How about the excuse that my parents allowed my sister to live in their home for 15 years prior to them getting frailer, without paying rent, allowing my sister to work a part time job and not have to provide for herself in any way? And now that the crap hit the fan, she cannot afford to provide for herself? And the demanding that I financially pick up the ball?

You know NOTHING about why those siblings are not helping. It very well could be their frustration with the fact the parents can afford help but insist on putting the burden on their kids, who have their own freaking kids and jobs.

[Anonymous]

I guess I wonder what they need so much help with. Is it diapers, cooking, or you are afraid they will fall? Because there are ways to mitigate most issues aside from the fall. And a fall can happen in assisted living as well.

[Anonymous]

One of them can pay bills and do all the finances.
One of them can handle insurance issues.

Plan for a vacation, let them know the dates and go on vacation. Tell them it is on them to handle anything.

[Anonymous]

Do you know what kind of elder services there are in your city/county? Get them on their radar and assigned a social worker.

Moving in and putting your life on hold isn’t the answer if it isn’t something you want to do. Figure out what you are willing and able to do and let go of the other things. You may need to move out and talk to someone who can help you accept some of the not-so-great choices your parents make.

A little white lie can help in several instances. If you need someone to come in, tell your parents that they are in training and need to practice with live people. This worked well for our neighbors and we got them to accept a worker coming in weekdays to help with cooking, shopping, laundry, dressing, showering …getting an evaluation to help put in things to prevent falls (like bars in the bathroom, chair elevators on stairs, three pronged canes). It also helped to use the word “temporarily”. My in-laws moved into assisted living “temporarily “ so that FIL could recover from surgery. Then postpone coming home again and again and again. MIL did not want to give up her car there, so she had the keys in a bowl and she cou”d see it from a window, but the car was made nonfunctional ala ‘Sound of Music’ so she couldn’t go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of them can pay bills and do all the finances.
One of them can handle insurance issues.

Plan for a vacation, let them know the dates and go on vacation. Tell them it is on them to handle anything.

And they can just ignore the OP. They have zero obligation to do what OP tells them to do.