How to navigate care for aging parent(s) when siblings live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. Your parents need to figure out their care. Stop living at their house. It is not your siblings or your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you really need to step back and see the big picture. I started doing the same thing because it happens so gradually you just sort of get sucked in and all of sudden you realize your life is revolving around your parents instead of your spouse/partner and kids. After 4 months of going over every single day to my mother I was exhausted and cranky.

I went to the doctor and he realized my health had declined, my mood had declined, my blood pressure had never been elevated and it was higher, etc. He said he sees so many middle aged women who say they are just going to temporarily help their parents then a year goes by then its five years later and their physical and mental health has drastically deteriorated and no one ends up being happy - not even the elderly parents. He said just stop. Do whatever it takes to pull back and prioritize me, my spouse and kids.

So I did. You are missing out and ruining your relationship with your kids. You need to start thinking - your parents are a fall risk and have memory issues. So do millions of other seniors who live alone. Worst case scenario one parent falls and they call 911.

I had to learn how to lie, massively and unabashedly lie to my parents, siblings and elderly relatives in order to step back because once you are entrenched your siblings will become resentful when you pull back even though they haven't done anything to help.You end up looking worse when all you did was help out. So I invented I had Covid and took a break, then migraines, other health issues, busy at work/ work schedule changed, child care issues, issues with spouse, issues with home like need to be home due to plumbing issue, electrical issue, car trouble, etc. But in the end it worked. My mother had to start paying for help and a sibling has to manage that not me.

Whoa, so your mom had no problem with this? She expected you to be her help to the detriment of your health. I'm so sorry. Hope that your mood and health have improved.

No. That is totally the issue with elderly adults who start declining. I get they start with mild cognitive impairments and they become frightened and so many become incredibly selfish. How is it that OP's parents don't realizing how ridiculous it is that she or he is living with them instead of their partner and kids? How absurd that the parents think it is OK for their child to sacrifice immensely because they don't want a stranger to help them? Never in a million years would I wish that on my kids. My mother thought it was great that I was going over EVERY EVENING. She would complain that I still didn't spend enough time with her because some visits were 30 minutes or an hour instead of two or three. The straw that broke the camel's back was my cousin and aunt (my mother's sister) went to visit my mother. My cousin called me and told me that my mother complained to her sister, my cousin, and a friend that I was bossy and rushed all my visits. My cousin was so supportive and told me my mother would never be satisfied. And she is absolutely correct.

And thank you. Yes my health has improved, my relationship with my husband has improved and I am spending more time with my kids who are in high school. I realized I only had 2-4 years potentially left in my life to EVER live with them again. I don't want to miss out on that and their last memories of us as a family is me being angry and resentful. It has been 6 months since I pulled way back and I have lost 20 pounds.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

How do you know you will get a larger part? My grandma was one of three, with one close brother and one brother estranged from their parents. She did 100% of her parents' care until their deaths, every single day. No will, so estate was split into three, it was mostly a house my grandma wanted to buy her brothers out. They refused, estranged brother got in cahoots with the other brother, and ended up giving his share to him. My grandma and her close brother never spoke again until she died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. [b]I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

I'm a pp that agreed that the caregiving adult child should be paid for their labor, and said that my brother currently gets paid for this.
It's so much better to get paid NOW a fair wage. People get way more emotional about inheritances, and you're not guaranteed there will be anything in the end anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

I don't quite know what I think here. Am in total agreement that a sibling assuming a lot of responsibility at a certain point[i] should receive compensation, preferably in real time. Not certain, however, that a sibling who has been around for just a bit should receive the lion's share of the inheritance. Or should do so if the parent really was fairly ambulatory and cognitively able up until the near end.

I've spent a chunk of my professional life advocating on compensating unpaid domestic labor, so I'm not arguing for endless volunteerism. But a child choosing to move near or in with their parent on retirement/when their youngest goes off to college wouldn't necessarily mean that the clock should start ticking on how the estate is allocated.

OTOH, I do know some women who end up moving in with their parents and handling their FT care, often when the parents have limited funds and the adult child is out of work. It really rankles me that this adult child can end up homeless as the state will compel the parents to sell their house once the "surviving" or "community" spouse applies for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad I came across your post. Because I ranted about this exact same thing to my therapist last week. My sibling and their family moved across country ten years ago, most likely with a clear conscious because I was here for my parents. Now that my mother has cancer and my father has dementia, I am the one to drive them to all of their appointments and visit them on a regular basis. My sibling and his family visit once or twice a year, but that time is spent visiting and having fun, when really I could use their help with the maintenance of my parent's house. Everything is manageable now, but it will get more complicated/time consuming as my parents get older (they're currently 77). I'm single and have a ton of things I'd like to do with my life, but now I feel stuck. So freakin stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to decide what your limit is. You can ask your siblings for more help, but it sounds like they are not in a position to provide it AND you can't control what they do.

The realistic options are that your parents move into a facility with the level of care they need now, or you move out and let the chips fall where they may (this will likely lead to an emergency situation for one or both of your parents, but they are being obstinate in their unwillingness to accept help).

There's really nothing else you control that you can do, short of continuing to run yourself into the ground.

This. You can wish and want til the cows come home. They've been clear about they will and will not do. Now you have to decide what you will and will not do. Moving into your parents' house was your decision. If your parents don't want in home care, then it's your decision to keep picking up the slack. I know it's a hard choice. Most of us on this board are in the process of making hard choices. But you're letting their wants (no in home care) drive your actions.

If they don't want in home care, and they are physically and mentally unable to live alone, then they move into an AL facility. If they have to sell the house to afford AL, well, sadly that's how things go. They should be thankful they have a house to pay for it. Once you stop killing yourself to do two jobs (caregiver and day job), they may realize that they would prefer in house care instead of moving to AL. But you have to be the one to stop enabling and force them to make a choice.

[Anonymous]

You need to find the money and outsource this care. You could sue your siblings, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I came across your post. Because I ranted about this exact same thing to my therapist last week. My sibling and their family moved across country ten years ago, most likely with a clear conscious because I was here for my parents. Now that my mother has cancer and my father has dementia, I am the one to drive them to all of their appointments and visit them on a regular basis. My sibling and his family visit once or twice a year, but that time is spent visiting and having fun, when really I could use their help with the maintenance of my parent's house. Everything is manageable now, but it will get more complicated/time consuming as my parents get older (they're currently 77). I'm single and have a ton of things I'd like to do with my life, but now I feel stuck. So freakin stuck.

I’m so sorry, pp.

I completely understand.

I am so fed up with my sibling who doesn’t lift a finger. The best they do (when I call them to ask for help) is say, “I’m sorry you are shouldering the burden since I’m not there.”

Not helpful.

And the other posters who say we should just leave our parents to fend for themselves are just cruel. And the ones who think we can somehow boss them around, sell their homes without their consent and drop them off in assisted living are delusional. As if!