How to navigate care for aging parent(s) when siblings live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

First, you need to set some boundaries. What are you willing to do and the. Stick to it. Your parents are not your responsibility. They should’ve saved for help and agree to help. If be mad at your parents, not your siblings. It’s One thing to help your parents, it’s another thing for your parents to expect you to give up your life and neglect your own family. I’m sorry for the situation you are in.

Second, how long have your siblings lived out of town? What is their relationship like with your parents and you? Did your parents or you ever go visit them? If your siblings weren’t close or spending time together (relationship not a priority) when your parents were healthy, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect the relationship to be a priority now.

[Anonymous]

You should be mad at your parents for not allowing outside help, not your siblings. You need to move out if you don't like living there and set some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

ICYMI: most people can’t afford assisted living.

I know a single person who pays $11k per month for assisted living.

DP here
Then they spend down all their assets and go into a Medicaid home.

This is what will happen to my parents. I watched my dad do it to my grandmother, so I'm not going to give up my life and my own family (including my young kids who need college savings) because my parents were financially irresponsible my whole life. I'm working on driving the decisions they don't want to make but really have no other choice (signing over PoA, selling their house, putting the proceeds into a trust managed by siblings and me to spend down on their care, moving them into some kind of multi-tier AL with skilled nursing and a memory care unit because they'll need it...for as long as the $$ lasts).

Currently, my sister is the local support and they're on the West Coast; they're still fairly independent, but in any case, I'd never stick her in OP's situation. Most likely our parents will have to move to the east coast, into an AL they'll fight us on, to which I am geographically the closest. Siblings will travel here periodically to share the burden. I'm the oldest and the "mean one" -- also the only one with kids -- and nobody has any better solution. So, this is roughly what siblings and I have agreed on and it's how it will go. It's really just how it must go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made the choice to move into your parents house and take this on.

They are making the choice not to do that.

Both choices are valid.

OP, you can also make the choice to move further away than your brothers. (This is almost always a sister, and it is a pattern that repeats over and over and over again.)

The only tenable solution for longterm is one that involves all the progeny, if it involves any of them. If your siblings will not step up, you must make them step up. If not, you will be setting yourself on fire to keep the place warm, and you will burn to ashes.

Over and over and over again.

You cannot make adults do what they don't want to do.

I think what this poster means is.. as long as you keep doing it, the other siblings will not step up. Set your boundaries. Tell them no more. Tell them exactly what needs to be done. "There's a cardiology appt on March 17, I can't go, you two figure it out. Mom needs diapers, send them. Taxes need to be filed and paid, the mail is in the living room for you to sort out."

Your parents need to be in assisted living, OP. I'm living this life with the same deadbeat siblings and it's time to tell your parents enough is enough. I know how painful that is and I have a mother who verbally beats me up every single day for this decision, but trying to helping her live independently nearly killed me and robbed my young kids of the best parts of me. You have a lot more life to live than they do. Your family needs you and the priority is you and your family unit.

ICYMI: most people can’t afford assisted living.

I know a single person who pays $11k per month for assisted living.

DP here
Then they spend down all their assets and go into a Medicaid home.

This is what will happen to my parents. I watched my dad do it to my grandmother, so I'm not going to give up my life and my own family (including my young kids who need college savings) because my parents were financially irresponsible my whole life. I'm working on driving the decisions they don't want to make but really have no other choice (signing over PoA, selling their house, putting the proceeds into a trust managed by siblings and me to spend down on their care, moving them into some kind of multi-tier AL with skilled nursing and a memory care unit because they'll need it...for as long as the $$ lasts).

Currently, my sister is the local support and they're on the West Coast; they're still fairly independent, but in any case, I'd never stick her in OP's situation. Most likely our parents will have to move to the east coast, into an AL they'll fight us on, to which I am geographically the closest. Siblings will travel here periodically to share the burden. I'm the oldest and the "mean one" -- also the only one with kids -- and nobody has any better solution. So, this is roughly what siblings and I have agreed on and it's how it will go. It's really just how it must go.

Kudos to you and your siblings for planning the best you all can in light of the circumstances. My parents were not financially irresponsible; they simply didn't have much money at the end of the day. I appreciate that they were mindful of not wanting to burden us and they tried to be as low impact as possible in their later years. I'm consistently amazed when I come to this forum and poster after poster explains how their parents are blowing through their money w/o a care in the world.

[Anonymous]

My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

People shouldn't live this long. We need to stop allowing extreme life saving measures after a certain age.

[Anonymous]

I did not read this whole thread, but OP this is entirely on you. We are in your exact situation – we have one sibling living near our mother, and she needs more care than she has in the past.

Our sibling did not move in. Instead we all give money and our sibling living near our mother has simply insisted that part-time help be allowed into the house and not given our mother a choice. There is no other practical solution. You yourself are putting up the obstacles here, and you yourself will continue to suffer the consequences unless you remove them.

[Anonymous]

The issue is your parents. They need to sell the house and move. You have enabled your parents and need to stop. You and your siblings need to come together to tell them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

People shouldn't live this long. We need to stop allowing extreme life saving measures after a certain age.

Sometimes people live past 90 with no life saving anything. Btdt with my dh's grandparents. It is very tough bc the person is extremely diminished in abilities, needs a ton of help, but none of the help is medical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

People shouldn't live this long. We need to stop allowing extreme life saving measures after a certain age.

Sometimes people live past 90 with no life saving anything. Btdt with my dh's grandparents. It is very tough bc the person is extremely diminished in abilities, needs a ton of help, but none of the help is medical.

That's incredibly rare.
No medications at all?
No doctor's visits, ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

People shouldn't live this long. We need to stop allowing extreme life saving measures after a certain age.

Sometimes people live past 90 with no life saving anything. Btdt with my dh's grandparents. It is very tough bc the person is extremely diminished in abilities, needs a ton of help, but none of the help is medical.

That's incredibly rare.
No medications at all?
No doctor's visits, ever?

Medication (I don't consider that extreme life saving measures...) No doctor visits aside from med renewals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has mm of $$ and still ended up blowing through all his savings because he lived so long. It costs $200k a year to live at that age independently in a tristate area. And that’s if nothing goes wrong. This is an impossible situation for the elderly of this country. And their children!

People shouldn't live this long. We need to stop allowing extreme life saving measures after a certain age.

Sometimes people live past 90 with no life saving anything. Btdt with my dh's grandparents. It is very tough bc the person is extremely diminished in abilities, needs a ton of help, but none of the help is medical.

That's incredibly rare.
No medications at all?
No doctor's visits, ever?

Medication (I don't consider that extreme life saving measures...) No doctor visits aside from med renewals.

+1

There are folks that age who are in relatively good physical health (for the age) but have impaired or faulty cognition. Our mom was ambulatory, able to shower (but had fear of falling), etc. She was able to put together small meals, etc. But she had challenges with recall, could be baffled by questions/expectations/anything falling outside her routine.

[Anonymous]

you'd be surprised which kid gets the lion's share of the parents care even with siblings close by....I visited a dear friend for like a year, in the nursing home twice a month, always saw her daughter, never her 3 sons...only at the funeral and yes they were closer in proximity to the nursing home than I was.

[Anonymous]

OP you really need to step back and see the big picture. I started doing the same thing because it happens so gradually you just sort of get sucked in and all of sudden you realize your life is revolving around your parents instead of your spouse/partner and kids. After 4 months of going over every single day to my mother I was exhausted and cranky.

I went to the doctor and he realized my health had declined, my mood had declined, my blood pressure had never been elevated and it was higher, etc. He said he sees so many middle aged women who say they are just going to temporarily help their parents then a year goes by then its five years later and their physical and mental health has drastically deteriorated and no one ends up being happy - not even the elderly parents. He said just stop. Do whatever it takes to pull back and prioritize me, my spouse and kids.

So I did. You are missing out and ruining your relationship with your kids. You need to start thinking - your parents are a fall risk and have memory issues. So do millions of other seniors who live alone. Worst case scenario one parent falls and they call 911.

I had to learn how to lie, massively and unabashedly lie to my parents, siblings and elderly relatives in order to step back because once you are entrenched your siblings will become resentful when you pull back even though they haven't done anything to help.You end up looking worse when all you did was help out. So I invented I had Covid and took a break, then migraines, other health issues, busy at work/ work schedule changed, child care issues, issues with spouse, issues with home like need to be home due to plumbing issue, electrical issue, car trouble, etc. But in the end it worked. My mother had to start paying for help and a sibling has to manage that not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you really need to step back and see the big picture. I started doing the same thing because it happens so gradually you just sort of get sucked in and all of sudden you realize your life is revolving around your parents instead of your spouse/partner and kids. After 4 months of going over every single day to my mother I was exhausted and cranky.

I went to the doctor and he realized my health had declined, my mood had declined, my blood pressure had never been elevated and it was higher, etc. He said he sees so many middle aged women who say they are just going to temporarily help their parents then a year goes by then its five years later and their physical and mental health has drastically deteriorated and no one ends up being happy - not even the elderly parents. He said just stop. Do whatever it takes to pull back and prioritize me, my spouse and kids.

So I did. You are missing out and ruining your relationship with your kids. You need to start thinking - your parents are a fall risk and have memory issues. So do millions of other seniors who live alone. Worst case scenario one parent falls and they call 911.

I had to learn how to lie, massively and unabashedly lie to my parents, siblings and elderly relatives in order to step back because once you are entrenched your siblings will become resentful when you pull back even though they haven't done anything to help.You end up looking worse when all you did was help out. So I invented I had Covid and took a break, then migraines, other health issues, busy at work/ work schedule changed, child care issues, issues with spouse, issues with home like need to be home due to plumbing issue, electrical issue, car trouble, etc. But in the end it worked. My mother had to start paying for help and a sibling has to manage that not me.

Whoa, so your mom had no problem with this? She expected you to be her help to the detriment of your health. I'm so sorry. Hope that your mood and health have improved.