Reply to How to navigate care for aging parent(s) when siblings live elsewhere?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You say “I had to move into their home.”
No, actually, you didn’t HAVE to. You chose to do that.

There are all kinds of older people who don’t even have children who have refused to leave their homes and refused to have in person care. Those people typically muddle along until some accident or illness gets them into a nursing home. That is what could’ve happened to your parents.

Apparently that was unacceptable to you. But that doesn’t mean it was unacceptable to your siblings. And that doesn’t make them bad people. Your siblings may feel that your parents are making bad choices and they do not want to give up their lives to go along with your parents’ refusal to make any changes.

Your issue really is with your parents, not your siblings. And with yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed and do not want to do this anymore that is fine and you can start setting some boundaries and making changes. But that’s you making decisions about **your life.** You don’t get to make decisions about your siblings’ lives, or decide how they spend their vacation time from work, etc. etc. It may be a lot easier for you to vilify your siblings than to take a hard look at your relationship with your parents, and also to look at your own life and whether you are neglecting your own needs.

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Safe assumptions, but not quite accurate.

One parent landed in the hospital and when my siblings heard they called a group meeting where they essentially told me, "You know they'll never agree to move into assisted living or bring a caregiver or helper into their home, so the only option for now is for you to stay with them until we can figure out what to do." That was more than a year ago. They realize our parents aren't safe on their own, and they assume I'll just fall in line and care for them.

If I just stopped doing what I'm doing, it would be a disaster. I'm not willing to have that on my conscience.

All I need is a little bit of help. What I'm asking for pales in comparison to what I am doing, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with them barking orders from afar, offering faux sympathy from afar ("Wish I were closer by so I could help"), and showing up for quick visits when it's essentially a required attendance thing (holiday, family function) and thinking they are helping.

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