Do I stay or do I go?

[Anonymous]

Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if violent, call the police, once there they would call for an ambulance if one hadn't already arrived with them. They are going to believe you - not her. "For her own good" she would be taken in an ambulance. She wouldn't feel like she's getting arrested - it would feel like a medical intervention.

The last thing to worry about is: it's a small town and people will talk. You have got to get that out of your head. Things happen. People deal with stuff, everyone does.

Thank you, I know you’re right. It’s just hard, knowing that I’m dealing with someone who won’t even let the funeral home put birth and death dates on their website, thinking that then no one will know dad’s gone and she’s alone.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer and financial planner on what steps to take to protect the assets your mom does have.

Anyway you can talk to her doctor about getting her something for anxiety. Will help her calm down and help her sleep and possibly accept help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return.

Since OP is an only child, why is a POA necessary?

[Anonymous]

Your options may feel like either leave or take over everything at once and announce to her that you are doing it, but in reality it is going to be in between. She is in cognitive decline (much of the paranoid behavior sounds like the early or mid stages of dementia) compounded by grief. Talk to the attorney handling the estate of your father about your concerns, and see if she's willing to go to the doctor for anxiety/sleep medication or a check up. Do not mention dementia or anything like that. You may also wish to have a consult with an elder care attorney, as you are not the first person in this situation. In the meantime, is there any way you can be put on accounts that are critical (insurance, utilities etc) to monitor? My mother's dementia was pretty carefully masked but came to light when bills started piling up and we discovered lots and lots of issues (both lapsed insurance policies, uncashed checks going back several years, and worst of all, being scammed of well over 100k). Much of this happened during covid and I lived across the country so it was not evident on the phone or to her friends etc. She was still driving, but got into multiple fender benders.

[Anonymous]

also, immediate PP here, I think for your mom having someone come in to help (cook clean etc) will be more tolerable than moving. If in fact she does have more significant cognitive decline, then you need to research memorycare facilities not just assisted living (or find one that has both if she needs step up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return.

Thank you, this is good advice. There are many reasons I have been away so long. They always discouraged me from visiting after I left for college. When I did visit they insisted on my staying with them even though they have no guest room (what could/should be one is full of “displays”). Mom would be fed up with my disruption of her routines after just a few days, so my visits became fewer and farther between. Years ago, they (my mother) literally forbid me to come for my grandmother’s funeral. I was already planning on coming out unannounced before all this happened after I realized they were actively hiding issues. I do not believe she would allow any help beyond an occasional phone call (maybe visit if pre-arranged) from my dad’s friends. She has not called any of their friends. I have, and she isn’t happy about it. If I ask her if it’s ok if I call someone, she says no. Nothing I do or say seems to comfort or help her. When she gets upset she’ll yell “I lost my husband!” All I can do is tell her how sorry I am. If I try to console her she pushes me away. Meanwhile, I’ve lost my dad—and now, effectively, my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a lawyer and financial planner on what steps to take to protect the assets your mom does have.

Anyway you can talk to her doctor about getting her something for anxiety. Will help her calm down and help her sleep and possibly accept help.

Thank you, I’m planning on contacting the lawyer and dad’s financial advisor next week. I already talked with the advisor a few weeks ago when he had called to confirm the yearly required distribution with my dad when he was first hospitalized. Mom had no idea what he was talking about and handed me the phone, then stewed about it for days as I repeatedly explained it to her that nothing needed to be changed, finally yelling at me that she knew exactly what was going on and that I thought she was stupid.

I don’t know how to get her to the doctor. I don’t even know who it is because she has all the records locked in her desk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your options may feel like either leave or take over everything at once and announce to her that you are doing it, but in reality it is going to be in between. She is in cognitive decline (much of the paranoid behavior sounds like the early or mid stages of dementia) compounded by grief. Talk to the attorney handling the estate of your father about your concerns, and see if she's willing to go to the doctor for anxiety/sleep medication or a check up. Do not mention dementia or anything like that. You may also wish to have a consult with an elder care attorney, as you are not the first person in this situation. In the meantime, is there any way you can be put on accounts that are critical (insurance, utilities etc) to monitor? My mother's dementia was pretty carefully masked but came to light when bills started piling up and we discovered lots and lots of issues (both lapsed insurance policies, uncashed checks going back several years, and worst of all, being scammed of well over 100k). Much of this happened during covid and I lived across the country so it was not evident on the phone or to her friends etc. She was still driving, but got into multiple fender benders.

Thank you. I don’t think she’s going to allow me to be on any accounts right now, unfortunately. I’m going to see what the lawyer has to offer. So far, it appears the bills are being paid. Everything’s on paper and I’ve been seeing the envelopes on the table in the foyer before she takes them to the post office. I’ve been keeping an eye on her car—no dents, so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:also, immediate PP here, I think for your mom having someone come in to help (cook clean etc) will be more tolerable than moving. If in fact she does have more significant cognitive decline, then you need to research memorycare facilities not just assisted living (or find one that has both if she needs step up).

Thank you for the suggestion, but there is no way she would allow a stranger to help. The wife of my dad’s business partner has offered to do anything she needs (cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands) but I cannot imagine my mom allowing even her to help. She has a very strict routine of cooking and cleaning. She gets agitated if I’m in the kitchen with her. If I move anything in the house even 1/4” she moves it right back. She has always been this way, but now she’s infuriated by any change.

[Anonymous]

Go

[Anonymous]

OP here, so much for thinking I could escape for a while...
I was upstairs on the phone with one of the neighbors when someone started pounding on the front door and ringing the doorbell. It was mom, standing in the cold without a coat. She had gotten upset because she didn’t think the dryer was working right, so she stormed out the screened porch to check the outside vent. When she slammed the door the little hook flipped up and locked her out. She yelled at me the other day when I did laundry that I needed to check the outside vent because it has a screen that needs to be cleaned every few months. I just checked it so I know it’s clear. I asked her if she needed me to check the dryer and she said it’s ok now. I’m pretty sure what happened is that I used a different setting for my clothes than she does and forgot to put it back. It was taking longer so she thought it was broken. Sigh...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return.

Thank you, this is good advice. There are many reasons I have been away so long. They always discouraged me from visiting after I left for college. When I did visit they insisted on my staying with them even though they have no guest room (what could/should be one is full of “displays”). Mom would be fed up with my disruption of her routines after just a few days, so my visits became fewer and farther between. Years ago, they (my mother) literally forbid me to come for my grandmother’s funeral. I was already planning on coming out unannounced before all this happened after I realized they were actively hiding issues. I do not believe she would allow any help beyond an occasional phone call (maybe visit if pre-arranged) from my dad’s friends. She has not called any of their friends. I have, and she isn’t happy about it. If I ask her if it’s ok if I call someone, she says no. Nothing I do or say seems to comfort or help her. When she gets upset she’ll yell “I lost my husband!” All I can do is tell her how sorry I am. If I try to console her she pushes me away. Meanwhile, I’ve lost my dad—and now, effectively, my mom.

16:12 here. I’m so very sorry. I understand the close relationship with your father. I didn’t realize your mother pushed you away all these years. This is a lot for you, and double the grief. Clearly, she should have been working with a therapist all these years. Dad was a wonderful father and husband. I’m sure you know he enabled her behavior. Love is funny that way. But she was loved! Remind her of this often. Would she trust and welcome your dad’s friend who offered help? At this point you need to prepare as best as you can. Somehow earn her trust with help from a social worker, very trusted friend, or family member. Or maybe you can find an elder care therapist once you’re settled at home to help you help her. There’s plenty of elder care resources you can access. Another poster suggested anxiety medication. It may be more than that. She needs an evaluation. Start with her primary doc.

[Anonymous]

You can't leave a person with dementia on their own, not even for a few weeks. My neighbor ended up falling down the stairs at night and cracking her skull. Wasn't found until the next day and that is with neighbors having to check on her as the kids thought she was okay to live alone. This is after she got lost driving and kept locking herself out of the house, trying the wrong key in the door over and over. "Nope, she is okay."

Too bad doctors don't do any routine cognitive testing of seniors or make having a POA, etc a requirement to receive social security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return.

Thank you, this is good advice. There are many reasons I have been away so long. They always discouraged me from visiting after I left for college. When I did visit they insisted on my staying with them even though they have no guest room (what could/should be one is full of “displays”). Mom would be fed up with my disruption of her routines after just a few days, so my visits became fewer and farther between. Years ago, they (my mother) literally forbid me to come for my grandmother’s funeral. I was already planning on coming out unannounced before all this happened after I realized they were actively hiding issues. I do not believe she would allow any help beyond an occasional phone call (maybe visit if pre-arranged) from my dad’s friends. She has not called any of their friends. I have, and she isn’t happy about it. If I ask her if it’s ok if I call someone, she says no. Nothing I do or say seems to comfort or help her. When she gets upset she’ll yell “I lost my husband!” All I can do is tell her how sorry I am. If I try to console her she pushes me away. Meanwhile, I’ve lost my dad—and now, effectively, my mom.

16:12 here. I’m so very sorry. I understand the close relationship with your father. I didn’t realize your mother pushed you away all these years. This is a lot for you, and double the grief. Clearly, she should have been working with a therapist all these years. Dad was a wonderful father and husband. I’m sure you know he enabled her behavior. Love is funny that way. But she was loved! Remind her of this often. Would she trust and welcome your dad’s friend who offered help? At this point you need to prepare as best as you can. Somehow earn her trust with help from a social worker, very trusted friend, or family member. Or maybe you can find an elder care therapist once you’re settled at home to help you help her. There’s plenty of elder care resources you can access. Another poster suggested anxiety medication. It may be more than that. She needs an evaluation. Start with her primary doc.

Thank you for your kind words. My dad was the peacemaker, and my hero, but he simply couldn’t stand up to her. As I’ve been talking with his friends, I’m learning he was doing much more for her their whole lives than I ever realized. She’s always been broken, I’m afraid, but is really good at hiding it in public. Even my best friend from childhood (who has been an absolute lifesaver through this) has been shocked by what I’ve been telling her. She never saw it. Nobody did, except my dad and me. I’m going to see what I can pull together in the next few days and then I’m going to have to take a break.