Do I stay or do I go?

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01/07/2024 12:10

Subject: Do I stay or do I go?

quote

Anonymous

I hadn’t seen my parents since before Covid but called them every night and was preparing to visit.

My father ended up in the hospital and I drove 600 miles overnight to get there. I drove mom daily to the local hospital/rehab/hospital 60 miles away for over a month before he died.

I am an only child with no children. There are no other close relatives. I’m in my 60s and my husband is in his 70s. He stayed home because we are in the middle of renovating our home and he has some chronic health issues.

What I didn’t know before I got here is that my mom has been in significant cognitive decline. I had noticed her memory getting worse, but she and my dad were able to cover it up really well in our nightly calls (now that I’m here I realize that’s because it was routine and they were prepared). I was always closer to, and very much like, my father—optimistic, carefree, creative, outgoing. My mother had a very difficult childhood and has always been suspicious, anxious, and reclusive.

My mom is unable to cope with what is happening. She has repeatedly lashed out at me, yelling, screaming, grabbing and hitting me. She has accused me of thinking she’s stupid, thinking she’s a liar, thinking she doesn’t know what’s going on. Note: “thinking,” not “saying.” This is as a result of my asking her questions as I’m trying to help her with things she is bringing to me because she doesn’t understand—bills, medical questions, dad’s investments, his cell phone, etc. I have been very, very careful not to tell her what to do. She will ask me the same questions over and over, even if I label things for her. She has great difficulty making a decision, and even if she does, she changes it. If any of this is mentioned, she screams that “I’m not stupid! I know exactly what is going on!”

She blew up at me three times at the funeral home while we were making arrangements when the director left the room. She kept thinking “we” were trying to “make her” have a funeral or memorial just because there were questions. She ultimately declined any sort of notice whatsoever. My father was a well known business owner and artist. He had many friends who I have been in touch with but my mother has contacted no one. She is barely speaking to me.

She has also blown up about how much toilet paper I’ve used, my “extravagant’ food taking up space in her refrigerator (I have gastrointestinal issues that affect both of these) how I do my laundry, what time I go to bed, etc. I have resorted to purchasing all my own supplies and have replaced everything I used.

She is 85 and in excellent physical health. Her parents lived to 91 and 108. She mows grass, trims hedges, hauls laundry up 2 stories. She drives to the grocery, post office, and hairdresser without issues.

The house is 100 years old, laundry in basement, single bath upstairs, meticulously and densely furnished like a museum. There are two large garages packed with antiques and my dad’s workspaces.

My parents had absolutely no plans in place, although they talked about moving into a senior living facility for many years. Everything was owned jointly. There is no Power of Attorney or trust set up, my name is on nothing. We saw a lawyer to set up PoA for my dad, but he was never well enough to sign. The lawyer and I discussed doing one for mom at the same time, but once he met with us he saw how bad she was and elected to wait.

My mom doesn’t think she has any money and told me she is “down to one income.” There is at least $2 million in cash (brokerage, IRAs) that my parents haven’t touched. My mother has a government pension and social security. The house is worth about $300k. There is no debt whatsoever. As far as I can tell bills are being paid.

At this point I feel like I’m not able to help and am just aggravating her. I see no possibility of getting her to a doctor right now, let alone moving her and emptying and selling the house. She is refusing my offers to do anything, is fundamentally suspicious, and it’s only getting worse.

I am torn between telling her I’m going home, vs telling her I’m going to have to take over her affairs, get her moved, and liquidate the property (which may very well result in complete estrangement). I can count on several people locally (my best friend, a neighbor, my dad’s former business partner, and several other family friends) to keep an eye on her, and I can come back at the drop of a hat. What I can’t do is continue on like this. I am clearly no comfort to her—one morning I found her crying, so I put my arm around her, told her I love her, that it was on to cry, that she’d be ok. She screamed that everything was not ok, pushed me away, stomped upstairs and shammed the door to her room. I almost feel it would be best for me to go so that she can grieve privately, and wait for her to ask me to come back. I am getting physically sick being here—My gastro issues are flaring and I have a bad cold.

So, do I stay or do I go? I know I’m not the first or only person to deal with these issues and would truly appreciate any guidance on how to handle this.