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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Condolences to you. You had not seen your parents since 2019? Everyday calls don’t cut it. You’re a virtual stranger to your mother if she is truly declining. She’s grieving. You need to figure out a way to connect with her— calm and reassure her that you respect her space. Set a date and time for your return. Writr it on a memo pad with names and phone numbers of those who will check in on her. Make sure your contact info is listed first. Gather relevant paperwork and a to do list to tackle at home. This may be a long journey. She’s physically able to manage the home. Routine is comforting for her. Would she be willing to accept a social worker/aid for a few hours a week? She needs an in home evaluation. If you’re not named POA or medical proxy, you’ve got work to do. Call her daily and remind her of date/time you’ll return. [/quote]
Thank you, this is good advice. There are many reasons I have been away so long. They always discouraged me from visiting after I left for college. When I did visit they insisted on my staying with them even though they have no guest room (what could/should be one is full of “displays”). Mom would be fed up with my disruption of her routines after just a few days, so my visits became fewer and farther between. Years ago, they (my mother) literally forbid me to come for my grandmother’s funeral. I was already planning on coming out unannounced before all this happened after I realized they were actively hiding issues. I do not believe she would allow any help beyond an occasional phone call (maybe visit if pre-arranged) from my dad’s friends. She has not called any of their friends. I have, and she isn’t happy about it. If I ask her if it’s ok if I call someone, she says no. Nothing I do or say seems to comfort or help her. When she gets upset she’ll yell “I lost my husband!” All I can do is tell her how sorry I am. If I try to console her she pushes me away. Meanwhile, I’ve lost my dad—and now, effectively, my mom.[/quote]

16:12 here. I’m so very sorry. I understand the close relationship with your father. I didn’t realize your mother pushed you away all these years. This is a lot for you, and double the grief. Clearly, she should have been working with a therapist all these years. Dad was a wonderful father and husband. I’m sure you know he enabled her behavior. Love is funny that way. But she was loved! Remind her of this often. Would she trust and welcome your dad’s friend who offered help? At this point you need to prepare as best as you can. Somehow earn her trust with help from a social worker, very trusted friend, or family member. Or maybe you can find an elder care therapist once you’re settled at home to help you help her. There’s plenty of elder care resources you can access. Another poster suggested anxiety medication. It may be more than that. She needs an evaluation. Start with her primary doc. [/quote]
Thank you for your kind words. My dad was the peacemaker, and my hero, but he simply couldn’t stand up to her. As I’ve been talking with his friends, I’m learning he was doing much more for her their whole lives than I ever realized. She’s always been broken, I’m afraid, but is really good at hiding it in public. Even my best friend from childhood (who has been an absolute lifesaver through this) has been shocked by what I’ve been telling her. She never saw it. Nobody did, except my dad and me. I’m going to see what I can pull together in the next few days and then I’m going to have to take a break.[/quote]

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