Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

Op, you can email me. I've emailed with many a DCUM destroyed (ha- meant to type betrayed, but it autocorrected to destroyed- maybe that's more fitting anyway?) spouse. The early days were so so dark and hopeless for me and I really didn't want to tell anyone IRL at first until I could grasp my own feelings around the situation. Feel free to reach out. I've been there.

[e-mail]

[Anonymous]

There's no need to tell the kids with any level of specificity. "The reasons are between your father and I, but we have differences that we cannot resolve, we no longer love each other, and it is not a good idea for us to stay married. All you need to know is that we both love you, and none of this is in any way your fault."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

Very misogynistic of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

French person here. No. Men AND women have affairs sometimes. No distinction between sexes.

Sorry, OP. Please don’t lie to your kids once you’re divorced. They deserve to know the truth. It’s not as if he murdered someone (I know, it feels like it right now!), and they’ll probably have some type of relationship with him anyway.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. I’m going through it too and the grief and anguish is unbelievable. Focus on self care, do whatever makes you feel better, cry it out if you need to, punch a pillow, exercise. Pray if you believe in it (I do).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t get too specific with your kids. Your kids will then try to confront their Dad, which will lead to him giving the laundry list of his reasons why he cheated, which puts the kids right in the middle of this. Their instincts will be to try to negotiate between the two of you, and that is really damaging.

A therapist can help you craft a good script.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you can email me. I've emailed with many a DCUM destroyed (ha- meant to type betrayed, but it autocorrected to destroyed- maybe that's more fitting anyway?) spouse. The early days were so so dark and hopeless for me and I really didn't want to tell anyone IRL at first until I could grasp my own feelings around the situation. Feel free to reach out. I've been there.

[e-mail]

Email this lunatic at your peril, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t get too specific with your kids. Your kids will then try to confront their Dad, which will lead to him giving the laundry list of his reasons why he cheated, which puts the kids right in the middle of this. Their instincts will be to try to negotiate between the two of you, and that is really damaging.

A therapist can help you craft a good script.

Not necessarily, especially if the separation is a done deal.

"Your father cheated on me with another woman, and I think that's a deal-breaker in a marriage, but we both love you very much. Just because we're going to live apart doesn't mean we're can't look after you as before." Questions, questions, questions. Reiterate gist of sentence in another way. Rinse, Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t get too specific with your kids. Your kids will then try to confront their Dad, which will lead to him giving the laundry list of his reasons why he cheated, which puts the kids right in the middle of this. Their instincts will be to try to negotiate between the two of you, and that is really damaging.

A therapist can help you craft a good script.

Not necessarily, especially if the separation is a done deal.

"Your father cheated on me with another woman, and I think that's a deal-breaker in a marriage, but we both love you very much. Just because we're going to live apart doesn't mean we're can't look after you as before." Questions, questions, questions. Reiterate gist of sentence in another way. Rinse, Repeat.

Why even cast blame that invites questions in the first place? "The reasons are between your father and I, but we have differences that we cannot resolve, we no longer love each other, and it is not a good idea for us to stay married. All you need to know is that we both love you, and none of this is in any way your fault." This will probably get questions as well, but it's neutral and underscores that the details are between the spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

Convenient for European men but emotionally abusive of their partners.

Remember, it is still accepted in some countries that men beat and rape their wives.

It is just one more example of our lack of equity or human rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

French person here. No. Men AND women have affairs sometimes. No distinction between sexes.

Sorry, OP. Please don’t lie to your kids once you’re divorced. They deserve to know the truth. It’s not as if he murdered someone (I know, it feels like it right now!), and they’ll probably have some type of relationship with him anyway.

If they are old enough. Not under 10 or 12.

[Anonymous]

OP, start copying financial records, ASAP. Bank and retirement accounts, etc.

I'd take the high road and not have the kids learn from you. He will likely introduce them to AP and they will figure it out. Don't put them in the middle yourself or make them confidants in any way.

Focus on money and do a few lawyer consults and pick the one you click with most. Get the ball rolling.

A therapist is a must, having been in your shoes. You don't want to burn out social support. Pay for the heavy lifting.

I also found a Meet Up group of women going through divorce. Was a good source of info and support too and just getting out now and again was helpful. No idea if group is still going, but, if so, I'd check it out.

You will get through this, hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Lots of good advice. Good strength in these days.

[Anonymous]

Op please don’t make a decision at this time. You are hurt and I know it’s hard. For the sake of your kids don’t separate. Instead use this opportunity to rectify the issues in your marriage/personalities. Once hurt lessens, both of you should grow closer to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

Sometimes I wish this was the lesson I got rather than the Christian one. I really wonder how they make their families work this way. I can't imagine having sex with someone that I regularly didn't know their sexual behavior and just accepted that circumstance. How I could still show my kids a loving relationship. But maybe I was just conditioned.