Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

I've watched the most outrageous porn and it's still boring after a while. I don't really understand this mindset because something you do regularly isn't going to be that different. But then I'm not a guy with so much wanderlust for new experiences. Don't healthy people just say what they want to do with the one they love in the same way they might plan a vacation to somewhere new? I really don't understand going against a marital vow for this at least without giving therapy a chance first.

This is how my husband explained it to me:

Even if I get to have the most delicious steak every day, after awhile I would like to try a hamburger.

As far as I know my husband has not had any strange hamburgers but never say never.

Can't you just grind up the meat? Are you saying that vows shouldn't be what they are? Maybe I was just trained to not want more than just the steak for the rest of my life. Like people who avoid sugar or something else that many people like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

Oh for God’s sake. You don’t burden a child—of any age—with this ish. “There are some specific ways people who are married have to be able to get along and agree and it turns out that we can’t. It has nothing to do with you, we both love you just the same, but we aren’t the right people for each other so we are getting divorced.”

I just don't get this line of argument. Dad blew up this kid's stable life. Dad prioritized his gratification over the kid. Dad should not get to have the same admiring relationship with the kid whose life he blew up and Mom should not have to cover for him/take any blame for the situation. Just no. Dad should have thought of this burden before putting his stuff where it doesn't belong. Kid might hate Dad now. That's Dads own fault and what he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Op stopped having sex with her husband without any valid reason and is complaining that he got it from someone else. What her husband did is wrong but doesn’t sound like op is not entirely blameless either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

Oh for God’s sake. You don’t burden a child—of any age—with this ish. “There are some specific ways people who are married have to be able to get along and agree and it turns out that we can’t. It has nothing to do with you, we both love you just the same, but we aren’t the right people for each other so we are getting divorced.”

I just don't get this line of argument. Dad blew up this kid's stable life. Dad prioritized his gratification over the kid. Dad should not get to have the same admiring relationship with the kid whose life he blew up and Mom should not have to cover for him/take any blame for the situation. Just no. Dad should have thought of this burden before putting his stuff where it doesn't belong. Kid might hate Dad now. That's Dads own fault and what he deserves.

What Dad did is wrong but he didn’t blew up the kids life all by himself. Sounds like mom is partly responsible too. It’s not okay for the parents to blow up their kids life for a problem they both caused and obviously not due to the kids fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

I've watched the most outrageous porn and it's still boring after a while. I don't really understand this mindset because something you do regularly isn't going to be that different. But then I'm not a guy with so much wanderlust for new experiences. Don't healthy people just say what they want to do with the one they love in the same way they might plan a vacation to somewhere new? I really don't understand going against a marital vow for this at least without giving therapy a chance first.

This is how my husband explained it to me:

Even if I get to have the most delicious steak every day, after awhile I would like to try a hamburger.

As far as I know my husband has not had any strange hamburgers but never say never.

Can't you just grind up the meat? Are you saying that vows shouldn't be what they are? Maybe I was just trained to not want more than just the steak for the rest of my life. Like people who avoid sugar or something else that many people like.

I largely think its the way you were raised, values and what you saw growing up. Like you, from a young age, marriage was forever and once you married someone--every outside menu item was off the table.

But, for a lot of people, they see nothing wrong with going outside the menu. Some will even say -- I still desperately love my filet mignon--but I just wanted a greasy hamburger.

I'm like you pp, faithful and loyal to a fault. Nothing has changed that in 53 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

I've watched the most outrageous porn and it's still boring after a while. I don't really understand this mindset because something you do regularly isn't going to be that different. But then I'm not a guy with so much wanderlust for new experiences. Don't healthy people just say what they want to do with the one they love in the same way they might plan a vacation to somewhere new? I really don't understand going against a marital vow for this at least without giving therapy a chance first.

This is how my husband explained it to me:

Even if I get to have the most delicious steak every day, after awhile I would like to try a hamburger.

As far as I know my husband has not had any strange hamburgers but never say never.

Can't you just grind up the meat? Are you saying that vows shouldn't be what they are? Maybe I was just trained to not want more than just the steak for the rest of my life. Like people who avoid sugar or something else that many people like.

I'd love to try an impossible burger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

She is likely bored with him too, after 10-20 years and kids. He's likely not that exciting anymore either. But, some have values and character and don't lie and cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

She is likely bored with him too, after 10-20 years and kids. He's likely not that exciting anymore either. But, some have values and character and don't lie and cheat.

Being bored and no longer exciting is not a valid reason for not having sex with your spouse. Thats a recipe for disaster. No marriage is not just about sex but it’s a very important part of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

Oh for God’s sake. You don’t burden a child—of any age—with this ish. “There are some specific ways people who are married have to be able to get along and agree and it turns out that we can’t. It has nothing to do with you, we both love you just the same, but we aren’t the right people for each other so we are getting divorced.”

I just don't get this line of argument. Dad blew up this kid's stable life. Dad prioritized his gratification over the kid. Dad should not get to have the same admiring relationship with the kid whose life he blew up and Mom should not have to cover for him/take any blame for the situation. Just no. Dad should have thought of this burden before putting his stuff where it doesn't belong. Kid might hate Dad now. That's Dads own fault and what he deserves.

DP. It's not fair, it's unjust, that Dad doesn't get judged by his kids for having an affair and blowing up the marriage. It's not fair that OP has to bite her tongue, paste on a smile and repeat some platitude about how much they both love the kids rather than telling them their dad, obviously, didn't love them enough. Yet, it's more unfair to burden the kids with that pain when it can be prevented.

Don't get me wrong, I'd revel in seeing my DH 'punished' if he cheated. But, the cost of that 'just reward' would be too high and my kids would be the primary payers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

Oh for God’s sake. You don’t burden a child—of any age—with this ish. “There are some specific ways people who are married have to be able to get along and agree and it turns out that we can’t. It has nothing to do with you, we both love you just the same, but we aren’t the right people for each other so we are getting divorced.”

I just don't get this line of argument. Dad blew up this kid's stable life. Dad prioritized his gratification over the kid. Dad should not get to have the same admiring relationship with the kid whose life he blew up and Mom should not have to cover for him/take any blame for the situation. Just no. Dad should have thought of this burden before putting his stuff where it doesn't belong. Kid might hate Dad now. That's Dads own fault and what he deserves.

But it’s not what the kid deserves. You think it’s good for kids to grow up hating one of their parents? No. It’s not. This response prioritizes revenge over the kids’ well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

We aren’t in Europe.

And I know plenty of men in Europe with no side pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens between husband and wife, stays between husband and wife…

Until someone else’s bodily fluids are between them.

[Anonymous]

How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

[Anonymous]

i am so sorry OP, sounds like he needs/craves the ego boost and emotional intensity that an affair provides, and mixes that up with what a marriage should provide. he's probably in the middle of the affair fog. do the 180....once you are prepared.

I'm guessing reality will hit at some point and things wont be so shiny and new for him.

btw, when my mom found out about my dad's affair (not his first, from what I later learned), i came home to see him packing u and my mom screaming "your father is leaving us for his whore." so, you know. not every parent feels the need to protect their spouse from their kid's knowing (I mean, I kind of already knew something was going on and he essentially moved in with her....btw, I would have one condition of separation agreement that he must have his own place, he cannot move in with the AP until divorce is finalized. it wil be hard enough on the kids).

hope you can get your support network together.