Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am so sorry OP, sounds like he needs/craves the ego boost and emotional intensity that an affair provides, and mixes that up with what a marriage should provide. he's probably in the middle of the affair fog. do the 180....once you are prepared.

I'm guessing reality will hit at some point and things wont be so shiny and new for him.

btw, when my mom found out about my dad's affair (not his first, from what I later learned), i came home to see him packing u and my mom screaming "your father is leaving us for his whore." so, you know. not every parent feels the need to protect their spouse from their kid's knowing (I mean, I kind of already knew something was going on and he essentially moved in with her....btw, I would have one condition of separation agreement that he must have his own place, he cannot move in with the AP until divorce is finalized. it wil be hard enough on the kids).

hope you can get your support network together.

love your mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

Before you posted this I was one of the posters who said you were part of the problem. But now I take bad my words. He sounds like a scumbag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

So are the phone bills your proof of the affair? Or is there something else? I don’t think it’s much better but it could be just an emotional affair, which I think men can disengage from easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens between husband and wife, stays between husband and wife…

Until someone else’s bodily fluids are between them.

My comment about husband and wife was about sharing with kids and other family members. No need to air your dirty laundry to kids and family members. None of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I wouldn't go down this path myself, but it doesn't seem especially weird. If she's fun, new, flirty, hasn't heard all of his stories, doesn't spend their time talking about chores, etc. -- I can see how spending time with a different person could be appealing, even without the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

PP, I know you won't see it, but you are definitely the a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

I've also lived this, you stated it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

You know you spend way too much time on DCUM when you recognize this dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I wouldn't go down this path myself, but it doesn't seem especially weird. If she's fun, new, flirty, hasn't heard all of his stories, doesn't spend their time talking about chores, etc. -- I can see how spending time with a different person could be appealing, even without the sex.

It’s because men don’t talk with other men about much, especially emotions. They need a second momma to dote on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

I've also lived this, you stated it well.

Describes most midlife affairs in a long marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I know you don’t think he’s a sociopath but making a girlfriend like this while you are perfectly happy with your wife seems super pathological to me. Maybe he was rationalizing to himself that as long as he didn’t do PIV with this woman it wasn’t actually cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

PP, I know you won't see it, but you are definitely the a$$hole.

Do you…think he’s real? Fascinating! I had the thought about halfway through that his post was subtle satire.