Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

I know there’s a post about this once a week. One more clueless spouse blindsided on a regular basis, and today it’s me.

I never would have imagined how he’d found the time, but I guess he managed it! Trying to get myself together while hiding it all from my spouse and children. This is going to be a long night/month/year…

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Do you have an IRL friend you can lean on? What ages are your kids?

He's awful, OP. You didn't deserve this. And while today is the first day of a future you didn't ask for, I hope it's a future that is much better than you ever let yourself imagine.

[Anonymous]

That sucks!!! Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so he doesn’t know that you KNOW?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so he doesn’t know that you KNOW?

This is a good idea, if OP is still gathering evidence. While it's tempting to confront, evidence tends to disappear once the secret is out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. And I do have a couple of IRL friends who I can lean on. But still, they have families to deal with and apparently I don’t anymore? So I guess it’s in my mind to tread lightly now because I’ll be leaning on them for a long time I expect.

And, thanks to reading this same post regularly here on DCUM, I’ve learned that I’m supposed to keep it to myself that I know and start my planning, right? Thanks DCUM!

The hard part is pretending all is well for the kids. DH and I have been rocky for a while now, so being distant from him isn’t new and I think I can manage that front. The kid situation is tough. Realistically, my choices are to tell their their dad is, at minimum, weak and pathetic for not just telling me he wants out before finding someone new, and at worse, the expectation will be that I keep this secret from the kids until the day I die to protect their relationship with him. That seems like a big ask and a big secret to keep, but probably the right thing to do? Doing the right thing is tough in all divorces though, so this kick in the teeth isn’t helping.

The only saving grace is that he’s out of town for ‘work’ for a couple of days so I have a little time to gather my wits right now.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. It sucks, I know. But you sound very together about it all. How are you really doing?

[Anonymous]

hang in there OP! this is probably the hardest part (it was for me at least). it sounds like you're planning to divorce so just focus on what's going to be best for you and the kids long term and take it one day at a time. I wouldn't worry too much about what you're going to tell/not tell them about the affair at this point. unfortunately it is probably the right thing to not reveal all of the terrible details and maintain some level of respect with DH in that regard (without outright lying of course), but depending on the ages of your kids it just might not come up for them so I wouldn't focus on that too much right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I do have a couple of IRL friends who I can lean on. But still, they have families to deal with and apparently I don’t anymore? So I guess it’s in my mind to tread lightly now because I’ll be leaning on them for a long time I expect.

And, thanks to reading this same post regularly here on DCUM, I’ve learned that I’m supposed to keep it to myself that I know and start my planning, right? Thanks DCUM!

The hard part is pretending all is well for the kids. DH and I have been rocky for a while now, so being distant from him isn’t new and I think I can manage that front. The kid situation is tough. Realistically, my choices are to tell their their dad is, at minimum, weak and pathetic for not just telling me he wants out before finding someone new, and at worse, the expectation will be that I keep this secret from the kids until the day I die to protect their relationship with him. That seems like a big ask and a big secret to keep, but probably the right thing to do? Doing the right thing is tough in all divorces though, so this kick in the teeth isn’t helping.

The only saving grace is that he’s out of town for ‘work’ for a couple of days so I have a little time to gather my wits right now.

That was the absolute toughest for me because my entire life I lived a life of transparency/honesty. My first thought though was protecting my kids -tween/teen at the time. I also never told my family or friends because I didn’t want my kids to overhear a comment, etc. or gossip. I also didn’t want the judgement that inevitably happens either.

I remember being so angry that I was basically forced to lie to protect my kids’ well-being while spouse and married AP were so effing careless without thought of their kids and partners. It was a tough nut to swallow. I had blinding anger for a long time.

[Anonymous]

He is out of town on work trip and you wonder how he found time. You also have a rocky relationship, but still blindsided.
I knew mine is a dog from the start and got out after two years. Most men are.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

These are very dark days, but as you pointed out, you are in good company. This is unfortunately so common it's basically part of the human condition.

You will find peace, contentment and family again on the other side.

[Anonymous]

I would say, don’t worry about what you’re going to tell the kids for now. You don’t have to decide that for a while.

[Anonymous]

Take good care of yourself, OP.

I highly recommend getting yourself into therapy for some extra support. Your friends will want to support you, but you are right: it's going to be pretty all-consuming. It took my sister years to recover from the discovery of her ex's affair and the subsequent divorce.

[Anonymous]

In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?