Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

Your girlfriend got a BA some time after 2020 and given the age of your eldest child and work trajectory you appear to be around 45.
All that happened is that you met someone half your age. No need to try to make it some deeper than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I know you don’t think he’s a sociopath but making a girlfriend like this while you are perfectly happy with your wife seems super pathological to me. Maybe he was rationalizing to himself that as long as he didn’t do PIV with this woman it wasn’t actually cheating?

The word sociopath is so overused online. Much like narcissist. Not every jerk or selfish person is a sociopath.
The dude was probably just lonely and wanted a friend who he didn't have to talk to about childcare and what's for dinner and the bills. As someone else mentioned, men often don't have many friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

PP, I know you won't see it, but you are definitely the a$$hole.

Do you…think he’s real? Fascinating! I had the thought about halfway through that his post was subtle satire.

I’ve seen him post before. So he’s really committed to this bit or it’s real. Who knows! Maybe he’s delusional and thinks he has a hot girlfriend who doesn’t actually exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I know you don’t think he’s a sociopath but making a girlfriend like this while you are perfectly happy with your wife seems super pathological to me. Maybe he was rationalizing to himself that as long as he didn’t do PIV with this woman it wasn’t actually cheating?

The word sociopath is so overused online. Much like narcissist. Not every jerk or selfish person is a sociopath.
The dude was probably just lonely and wanted a friend who he didn't have to talk to about childcare and what's for dinner and the bills. As someone else mentioned, men often don't have many friends.

Nobody with normal mental health blows up their life because they are bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people are jumping on OP because she seemed surprise, but also mentioned that she and her DH were rocky and distant.

A lot of assumptions are being made that the shaky marriage CAUSED the affair. It could be The other way around - that the affair CAUSED the strain in the marriage.

Sometimes, the relationship is Initially great. DH starts an affair, there is disinterest and tension at home, and the marriage becomes rocky and distant. Thus, in hindsight, one isn’t surprised because they think they should have figured it out when the relationship became distant that DH was (obviously) having an affair.

I’m sure there are some sociopaths out there who start an affair while their marriage is going great, but it just seems like an incredibly harmful and risky and stupid thing to do to your life.

I almost had an affair- my marriage was going incredibly poorly. Before my marriage went south, having a romantic relationship with another person couldn’t have been farther from my mind.

I have a friend who was very happy in his marriage and having satisfying sex with his wife, and did have an affair...in which he wasn't even getting laid. He was fooling around and having fun but no PIV. He'd just hang out with this other woman, fix things around her house, chat, fool around, have a beer or two, and go home. Other woman ended it because she met someone and his wife never found out. Not sure why he did it, but he's not a sociopath or anything close. Hasn't done it again, as far as I know.

I know you don’t think he’s a sociopath but making a girlfriend like this while you are perfectly happy with your wife seems super pathological to me. Maybe he was rationalizing to himself that as long as he didn’t do PIV with this woman it wasn’t actually cheating?

The word sociopath is so overused online. Much like narcissist. Not every jerk or selfish person is a sociopath.
The dude was probably just lonely and wanted a lfriend who he didn't have to talk to about childcare and what's for dinner and the bills. As someone else mentioned, men often don't have many friends.

What an excuse! He could have a platonic male friend!

People act like heterosexual men are incapable of having friendships. My husband has many friends. It is because he is largely a healthy person. Men don’t need women for they need.

[Anonymous]

*for that need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

You sound like the GF.

[Anonymous]

It was this line that confirms trolling:

“Brains and beauty […] commesurate with my status”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

PP, I know you won't see it, but you are definitely the a$$hole.

I thought it was a solid effort at pushing a good number of DCUM buttons on affairing, aging, younger women, being called "lazy," less accomplished, not "enough," and having the GF around the kids. Only things missing from the post are calling the ex W "crazy" and the kids calling the GF "Mom." Troll grade: A-

Maybe a troll but I know of a story like this in Virginia medical circles, but the guy is 30 years older not 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

PP, I know you won't see it, but you are definitely the a$$hole.

Do you…think he’s real? Fascinating! I had the thought about halfway through that his post was subtle satire.

Same! When I got to the “my wife shouldn’t say anything if my GF watches my kids on my days with them” I was like no way this is real. Also GF is a college graduate as of 2020?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does DCUM think a marriage is just about sex? For the record we were having sex still, but I’m sure sex with someone new is more exciting right? And so, here we are.

Sex with someone new isn’t that exciting. More like variety instead of plain. Why settle for Cheerios when you can get the variety pack…? 😈
Wife probably is boring in bed and husband wants to mix it up. And so, here we are.

I've watched the most outrageous porn and it's still boring after a while. I don't really understand this mindset because something you do regularly isn't going to be that different. But then I'm not a guy with so much wanderlust for new experiences. Don't healthy people just say what they want to do with the one they love in the same way they might plan a vacation to somewhere new? I really don't understand going against a marital vow for this at least without giving therapy a chance first.

This is how my husband explained it to me:

Even if I get to have the most delicious steak every day, after awhile I would like to try a hamburger.

As far as I know my husband has not had any strange hamburgers but never say never.

Can't you just grind up the meat? Are you saying that vows shouldn't be what they are? Maybe I was just trained to not want more than just the steak for the rest of my life. Like people who avoid sugar or something else that many people like.

LOL you took the analogy further than I would…

Yes, you have vows, but this is just my husband’s explanation of why strange is so appealing to men. They just have a primal desire for something different after awhile. It makes sense from a biological perspective for men and women. I personally have not found myself really physically attracted to any men other than my husband but that is just me maybe. I may develop a fairly innocent crush on a man I admire, but it’s not really terribly sexual, I just like them a whole lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

DP

Chuckled throughout this whole post. This is fake news, right?

If it’s real — your ex wife worked PT and helped the kids through a difficult life transition (everyone knows moves are harder for older kids than for younger ones) while you went on your important and super challenging business trips with younger impressionable women because you have SO MUCH VALUE…. Wow. Raging narcissism. I feel so sorry for your kids. I hope your ex wife finds a real partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. We were having sex!

Jeez people.

Maybe not the world’s most exciting sex (for me either pal…) but still having plenty of sex.

The issue is he wants to be my highest priority and he’s been a little bitter ever since we had kids. So, lately the issues have gotten worse. I thought that therapy was really helping, but two things happened about 6 months ago. One, he started seeing a new service provider, let’s just say Larla is a personal trainer for convenience. And then there was a family health issue that really increased household stress. I felt like we were still sort of hanging on, maybe not moving forward, but staying steady anyway. Then i took off for summer travel with the kids and things have been crazy since then. Like i feel like im in the twilight zone sometimes with how hot and cold he’s been. Well, i NOW know from the phone bills that the long daily calls with larla started in August. Which really seems to have hurt our efforts at therapy. He recently fired the therapist because he didn’t like what she had to say and felt she was ‘on my side’. And now he is the center of Larla’s world which I’m sure is exactly what he wants and needs. So here we are.

I know my role in this. I get it. But i just didn’t think it would ever happen this way.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is so stereotypical. Wife is still having sex but not doting and kissing his *ss. Kids stuff and aging parents, or somebody gets ill and she gets preoccupied. Pouty baby (often came from broken home, divorce, dysfunction) gets upset that the world isn't revolving 100% around him and 'why could the wife' not have more energy towards him? He can't see this is a NORMAL life stage in a long marriage and not a referendum on the entire thing or what it will be a few years from now, etc.

These type of people (men and women included) need boatloads of external validation to feel good about themselves and can be very selfish with blinders on. They turn away from the marriage/spouse and get critical instead of turning in when it is most needed.

Oh get out of town. I'm not this husband but have been undermined the same way as him. Before I met my girlfriend I felt DEAD inside for YEARS. I realized I had been in my career for a quarter-century and had been working with one hand tied behind my back the last 15 being married to her. My wife couldn't see what everyone around me did because she was so worked up about the kids and raising them right after our ONE move when I took my new position. She has been using them as a crutch, staying at home to "help them through the transition" of our move across the country even though they're 13 and 9 rather than like 4 and 2.

Anyway I asked for a divorce and we agreed we were going to be amicable and go through a mediator. There was no reason to make people take sides or to drag each other's names through the mud. People see me as a great guy and great father, which I am. Then she went through my pictures on the cloud and felt my girlfriend and I looked a little to comfy with each other on our conference overseas. But what she didn't understand is that my girlfriend went to the conference because of her COMPETENCE; she graduated summa cum laude from a Top-15 University during COVID and has great prospects whether she goes for a M.D., Ph.D or J.D. She also didn't understand that my girlfriend and I DID NOT consummate our relationship until AFTER I had left my wife. We had NOT had sex when overseas, we just learned that we enjoyed each other's company, that she made me feel alive for the first time in over a DECADE, and that she was on a level in brains and beauty that was commensurate with my status.

Now not-soon-enough-ex-DW is threatening to depose my girlfriend because she thinks she can get a ruling of fault. But she knows that it's HER fault that she was lazy and didn't get back to work. Yet she's trying to bleed me dry when she caused all the problems. She didn't keep improving herself since our marriage. She didn't work fulltime once we moved here and used raising the kids as an excuse. She kept getting on my case to do the taxes or to take out the trash when I had just gotten back from a really intensive and demanding business trip. She just didn't get what it means to be successful. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my success.

I'm sorry OP was hurt discovering the affair. But it really shows that OP and other PP's really are living in a cloud, a fantasy world where they don't think they need to keep up their part of the bargain, that they don't need to keep bringing value to the marriage. I wasn't quite ready to notify my ex about my GF before she brought it up, as I knew she was going to use it to try to pressure me. But now it's good that it's out in the open between us, though so help me God she has no right to give me the business or talk about it if I bring my GF to my kid's basketball game or have her watch the kids on MY days with them. She needs to do some hard repair work on herself rather than worry about everyone else and how they supposedly hurt her. Women need to stop acting like victims when they cause marriages to fail with their laziness.

DP

Chuckled throughout this whole post. This is fake news, right?

If it’s real — your ex wife worked PT and helped the kids through a difficult life transition (everyone knows moves are harder for older kids than for younger ones) while you went on your important and super challenging business trips with younger impressionable women because you have SO MUCH VALUE…. Wow. Raging narcissism. I feel so sorry for your kids. I hope your ex wife finds a real partner.

Also, you sound so bitter and unhappy and resentful. Why is your wife to blame for everything in your life? She triggered your feelings of inadequacy, I’m guessing, because your post reeks of insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?

You should man up and start a divorce, not a cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op stopped having sex with her husband without any valid reason and is complaining that he got it from someone else. What her husband did is wrong but doesn’t sound like op is not entirely blameless either

You are jumping off the cliff. It could be the husband who did not want marital sex. Cheaters are cheaters regardless of the spouses.