Just need to vent - discovery of affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so he doesn’t know that you KNOW?

This is a good idea, if OP is still gathering evidence. While it's tempting to confront, evidence tends to disappear once the secret is out.

This!

My XH had an emotional affair. I confronted him, we sort of reconciled, he destroyed all evidence except phone records showing the lengthy frequent calls.

OP needs to save everything in triplicate and see a lawyer before her H finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op please don’t make a decision at this time. You are hurt and I know it’s hard. For the sake of your kids don’t separate. Instead use this opportunity to rectify the issues in your marriage/personalities. Once hurt lessens, both of you should grow closer to each other.

Gross, no.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Consult an attorney asap. They will advise you about financials and about paving the way for the custody arrangement you want. And your husband can be the one to think up what you will both tell the children. That’s not automatically your burden.

[Anonymous]

Get tested for STDs stat!

[Anonymous]

So sorry. Absolutely get your ducks in a row before confronting. See an attorney, a therapist, and get copies of financial documents and access to accounts. I suggest consulting with multiple attorneys, they can be very different in their approach to things. Play it cool with him and do not let on that you know until you know what you want to do and have everything in place to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Wow - winner for most positive DCUM thread in ages! Thank you all - this is all really welcome advice and support.

I spent all day yesterday trying to ensure i have the info i will need (there’s more I’m sure) and saving phone bills etc.

Next up (I’ll be starting a new post in a minute) is advice on what the heck to even ask in a consultation to make good use of my hour!

[Anonymous]

“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

That’s a lot more civilized than what I would have said.

[Anonymous]

It's really important to have boundaries with kids around adult topics and not use them to even scores, it's damaging to them and cheater won't care that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew mine is a dog from the start and got out after two years. Most men are.

Misandry coming out already on the first page of the thread, as usual.

[Anonymous]

Did you discover a long term affair that is still going on, or has he had multiple affairs. Just curious. If he ends up being with the AP after you split, your kids will put 2 and 2 together at some point, so you'll never have to be the one to tell them. They'll know what he did and resent him for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.

This does not seem like the appropriate thing to tell a child of any age. I would discuss with a therapist on how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

OP, head to surviving infidelity.com. The "just found out" forum has tons of useful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.

No, we don't (I'm French, married to another European)

[Anonymous]

Please tell how you discovered the affair.