DH's College GF Died

[Anonymous]

When I was 48, I found out that my college girlfriend died. I hadn't seen her in 25 years and we lived 100s of miles apart. I didn't go to her funeral, but I feel like I can relate quite a bit with your DH.

I remember having some pretty intense feelings at the time. It was a little bit about her specifically, I guess. But some of it felt like I was losing a bit of my younger self if that makes any sense. She was one of the most important factors in my life for a stretch of my early 20s. Maybe it was a bit of a mid-life crisis; contributing to feelings of mortality.

Anyway, I can definitely sympathize if your DH is going through some shit. And if he wants to go to a funeral, I wouldn't chalk it up to nefarious or frivolous purposes. (Although, if he also wanted to throw a few drinks back with some old friends and talk about the old times, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids

Most people understand that their spouses had relationships before they came along that were important to them. This is not at all disrespectful for him to attend.

So, while you are in the depths of grief, burying your DH, being comforted by your immediate family, you have no problem looking over your shoulder and seeing his cheating ex scarfing down ham biscuits and chardonnay?

The cheating ex is dead and, therefore, would presumably go light on the ham biscuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids

Most people understand that their spouses had relationships before they came along that were important to them. This is not at all disrespectful for him to attend.

So, while you are in the depths of grief, burying your DH, being comforted by your immediate family, you have no problem looking over your shoulder and seeing his cheating ex scarfing down ham biscuits and chardonnay?

NP. My husband is part of a tight-knit college friend group where many people dated on and off. Two of his ex-girlfriends came to our wedding, as did one of my ex-boyfriends who was in my college friend group.

College friend groups are a thing. Dating in college friend groups is a thing. Get over it. I would welcome anyone from my husband's college friend group at the funeral and visitation, including his two ex-girlfriends. That's all ancient history. They're all married with kids now. I would be glad to see them all, and I would recognize that they carry grief, too, and that seeing each other at the funeral and being able to reunite and reminisce would help with their grief.

This is how mature people experience the world, by the way: recognizing that everyone has a past and connections beyond the marital relationship.

[Anonymous]

Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

[Anonymous]

My college boyfriend died a few years ago. It made me really sad and I had zero romantic feelings for him. But he was important to me and it was definitely the feeling of the loss of youth. He didn’t have a funeral, but I would have gone if he had. I did email with his family and they were very appreciative of my condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college boyfriend died a few years ago. It made me really sad and I had zero romantic feelings for him. But he was important to me and it was definitely the feeling of the loss of youth. He didn’t have a funeral, but I would have gone if he had. I did email with his family and they were very appreciative of my condolences.

That should say, he was important to me 25 years ago.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that's it's less about her, than about that time in his life and his need to reconnect with his college friends over this tragedy. I would encourage your DH to go, and if you've expressed disappointment I would apologize. There is no competition with a dead woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a car accident at 47. He hadn't spoken with her since she cheated on him, and thus ended their relationship, at 23. She was in Chicago we are in DC. He has kept up with all of his college friends and many of them are going to her funeral. He wants to attend.

Is that weird? She was married with kids.

This feels a.) a bit like he's using her funeral as a reunion, b.) a bit like he cares more than I want him too, and c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids.

I said all this and was told "I didn't understand".

What's going on here?

I don’t at all think it’s disrespectful to her husband/kids. When my DH died I was touched that people from his past came, some from quite a distance, that he had mattered to them. That included a high school GF and first post-college GF.
If her parents are still living it will most likely also be meaningful to them.
And it’s a good thing if ex-GF’s untimely passing leads to reconnection.

[Anonymous]

If my high school or college boyfriends died, I would absolutely go and give my respect to their families.

[Anonymous]

My cousin just died in a biking accident and all of his old girlfriends attended the funeral, along with his wife. Some of the relationships did not end well but the man is dead so it's water under the bridge, and it is always sad when a young person dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

Were those ex-boyfriends part of friend groups that are still in touch? Yes or no.

"One-off"/insular boyfriends are different from boyfriends who are part of active friend groups, like college friend groups. You do get that, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my high school or college boyfriends died, I would absolutely go and give my respect to their families.

HS is different. You were kids. A partner at 23 is real. A gf at 14 isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my high school or college boyfriends died, I would absolutely go and give my respect to their families.

HS is different. You were kids. A partner at 23 is real. A gf at 14 isn't.

A college "partner"? LMAO, a partner in what, paying for pizza and splitting Ubers? OK. Oooooh, maybe going in on a group lease of an off-campus townhouse?

[Anonymous]

I’d be pretty surprised if my long-term exes didn’t show up to my funeral if I died young TBH. (And I’d go to theirs.$

[Anonymous]

I would tell my husband to go, even though we met right after college and I was not fond of his college ex. Attending the funeral is the right thing to do, IMO.