DH's College GF Died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your reaction to this is appalling.

Take a deep breath and course-correct because what you have shown about yourself in this post is not a thing I would want in a spouse and yours might feel the same.

Settle down. I'm one of the people who think it's understandable that DH might want to go to the funeral, but OP's reaction isn't "appalling." You are overreacting to the post.

+1

A lot of knee-jerk overreactions on this thread and a lot of harsh vilifying of OP. I really doubt that most of the PPs insisting she's crazy or jealous would actually go to their college BF's/GF's funeral after so long of zero contact. They just want to ream the OP for daring to think this isn't dreamy and romantic.

No, that’s not it. OP sounds pretty terrible here. Jealous, self-involved, unsupportive, incapable of imagining that her husband doesn’t share her sense of what the right thing to do is—it’s all bad.

She has a chance to course-correct and she should take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are cold. Let him visit and show his respect.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

Alllll of this.

OP's husband has no idea what, if anything, his ex ever said about him to her husband. You just don't show up out of the blue in this situation and make it about you.

[Anonymous]

What's the worst that could happen?
If the widower has some bizarre jealousy over OP's DH, then it will make the widower a little less upset that she died, which is doing him a favor.

But if he's not a psycho, then he'll appreciate that someone remembers her as a wonderful person.

[Anonymous]

I would not want my exes to come to my funeral. Not for me. Not for my friends and family who would just find it strange after all that time. I wouldn’t want them to have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

I think this is weird. Not really for the same reasons as OP though.

It feels very intrusive. If my spouse died, I wouldn’t want random people coming to the funeral.

Did all these college friends stay in touch or have they not seen this person for decades as well? Funerals are for the family and friends. Not for a reunion for people she hasn’t even talked to in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

If one is at a funeral and needing to be less than fully honest . . . perhaps that is a strong signal one should not be there?

[Anonymous]

The issue is 100% about the OP trying to insert herself into this and exert control. Going to a funeral of someone in your college orbit who was tragically struck down at a young age with your college besties is totally normal, even if the whole pack of them had orgies in college. Only a control freak would try to prevent it. If her DH doesn’t go, all his friends will know why — because his DW is a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my high school or college boyfriends died, I would absolutely go and give my respect to their families.

HS is different. You were kids. A partner at 23 is real. A gf at 14 isn't.

NP. I’d go to my high school bf’s funeral before my college bf’s. Dude was a fantastic human, just not quite a match for me in terms of life goals. It really depends on the maturity of the young people involved. HS relationships can be very meaningful.

That being said, OP, let him go. This is bringing up the loss of his youth. Nothing to do with the beautiful life he’s built with you now.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a weekend. Too much drama over this inconsequential event in their lives. Unless something off comes out of it, I wouldn’t get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the worst that can happen?

Ahhh, you trash some poor women's funeral for her kids and husband just so you can slam beers with some frat bros for a weekend?

NP. “Trashing”? Showing up at a funeral is “trashing” it? Walking up and saying “I’m Jim, I knew Ellen from college. I’m sorry for your loss” is…”trashing”?

Is drinking a beer or two at the gathering after a funeral “slamming” beers? Oh my, someone had better tell my boss that the beer he drank at a holiday party was him “slamming” a beer and acting like a “frat bro.”

Presumably if the college friends get together to socialize, they will do so after the funeral, apart from the post-funeral gathering by meeting up at a restaurant, someone’s home, an Air BNB, a hotel restaurant, etc.

What a desperate reach, PP. “Trashing” and “slamming,” oh my.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

+1. The people in this thread that are DH sound like tragedy/grief vultures (my mom is one, so I know). He's a random guy she used to have sex with; why would you want to see him at the funeral? I say this as someone who has lost a lot of peers early and unfortunately have experience with this.

Make a massive donation to the most meaningful charity to the deceased or their family. Now that would be about them.

NP. A college friend group showing up at a funeral is nothing weird, it’s wonderful. My college friend group had better show up for me, or I will haunt them. Yes, including my ex-boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OPs side. If it were my husband it would be a no for me. Husband is using funeral as an excuse to ditch her with the kids while he goes to party with his college buddies. No where did it say she was welcomed to come. This woman is dead they have been separated for 23 years there is honestly no need for him to go to this funeral. This woman nor his college buddies are active people in their current lives who they see or speak with regularly. He needs to stay home

I'm really glad my husband and I support each other by taking turns with weekends away so we get to spend time with our friends. I've gone on several girls' weekends, he's gone on ski trips and camping trips, and it's been great. We've also left our kids with family and gone on vacations together, too. I'm so glad my husband and I not only encourage each other to spend time with friends, but we see weekends alone with the kids as a fun chance to focus on the kids, not as a chore. I can't imagine thinking that spending a weekend solo parenting was some big chore and that I was "stuck" with them. I enjoy being with my kids! Probably because DH sometimes supports me in having weekends away!

Some of you sound so sad, honestly.

+1. DH and I both occasionally travel for work and for friend/relative trips while the other one stays home with the kids. I like those special weekends with my kids. We order pizza, go to a movie, go ice skating, and generally have lots of fun. It’s really sad to see the occasional weekend spouse-free as some huge burden because you don’t like being with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

Alllll of this.

OP's husband has no idea what, if anything, his ex ever said about him to her husband. You just don't show up out of the blue in this situation and make it about you.

“Causing a scene”? Wow, dramatic, much? “Hello, I’m Tim. I know Claire from UVA. I’m very sorry for your loss,” then walk over to your friend group. WOW, what a SCENE.