DH's College GF Died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

+1. The posters who think this will end up being some kind of dramatic encounter between an ex and the family of the deceased don't seem to have a firm grasp on how social situations generally play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

Alllll of this.

OP's husband has no idea what, if anything, his ex ever said about him to her husband. You just don't show up out of the blue in this situation and make it about you.

Exactly! This is how you would handle it.
“Causing a scene”? Wow, dramatic, much? “Hello, I’m Tim. I know Claire from UVA. I’m very sorry for your loss,” then walk over to your friend group. WOW, what a SCENE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

+1. The posters who think this will end up being some kind of dramatic encounter between an ex and the family of the deceased don't seem to have a firm grasp on how social situations generally play out.

These types of people will always make things a big deal rather than extend grace in the situation. They like drama and look for it even when it's not real.

[Anonymous]

As someone who lost a close family member way too young, I am extremely grateful to ALL of the friends who came to the funeral to connect with each other and share stories and talk about how much their relationship with my loved one meant to them.

Yes, funerals can become reunions of sorts - isn't that how it should be? That the memories and stories bring us back together? And maybe - if we are lucky - encourage us to gather more often for non-sad reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a car accident at 47. He hadn't spoken with her since she cheated on him, and thus ended their relationship, at 23. She was in Chicago we are in DC. He has kept up with all of his college friends and many of them are going to her funeral. He wants to attend.

Is that weird? She was married with kids.

This feels a.) a bit like he's using her funeral as a reunion, b.) a bit like he cares more than I want him too, and c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids.

I said all this and was told "I didn't understand".

What's going on here?

I see no harm to him or others. All are paying respect to the dead for what value she added to their lives. College GF or BF aren't just your lovers, they are your best friends and essential part of your young lives and social groups.

[Anonymous]

I only read the OP but I assume we’re all here to chastise the OP for being jealous of a dead woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

If one is at a funeral and needing to be less than fully honest . . . perhaps that is a strong signal one should not be there?

Have you ever...been to a funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read the OP but I assume we’re all here to chastise the OP for being jealous of a dead woman.

Majority of posters are only here to tell her that it's perfectly normal for her to feel some insecurity but also normal for her husband to want to pay respects to a close college friend (who happened to be his GF as well) and have a reunion with common friends at her funeral. Its in no way a threat to her marriage ... unless he has the hots for dead GF's BFF or sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

If one is at a funeral and needing to be less than fully honest . . . perhaps that is a strong signal one should not be there?

Have you ever...been to a funeral?

+1. "Sorry for your loss but complete honest compels me to reveal that your loved one was a real jerk to me a couple of times. There was also this time where you could see a booger on his nose."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

Alllll of this.

OP's husband has no idea what, if anything, his ex ever said about him to her husband. You just don't show up out of the blue in this situation and make it about you.

“Causing a scene”? Wow, dramatic, much? “Hello, I’m Tim. I know Claire from UVA. I’m very sorry for your loss,” then walk over to your friend group. WOW, what a SCENE.

Yeah I think you just introduce them as an old friend, who knew their mom a long time ago and cared for her a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably your husband won’t announce he used to bang the dead woman.

If he’s asked the connection, hopefully he’s a normal human and will say “we were friends in college”. It’s not that complicated.

If one is at a funeral and needing to be less than fully honest . . . perhaps that is a strong signal one should not be there?

Have you ever...been to a funeral?

+1. "Sorry for your loss but complete honest compels me to reveal that your loved one was a real jerk to me a couple of times. There was also this time where you could see a booger on his nose."

"Yes, she's my aunt, but also she smelled pretty bad these last couple of years if we're speaking our truths now."

[Anonymous]

Unless there is known animosity with your DH and the ex's DH, or it presents a hardship for your family for him to attend, this seems totally fine to me. Especially true if your DH and his ex-GF were friends before getting romantic, as so many college partners are.

My stepfather died at 53, and I can't really tell you who was at his funeral as its a blur, but I can tell you that it was packed, and that was awesome. Maybe you should go too.