DH's College GF Died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

Another outlier. While I do think OP is way overthinking things, I also think posts on this thread have been extremely, some very nastily, knee-jerk insulting to OP for owning and voicing her feelings here. There is nothing wrong or bad about her feeling that this sudden desire of DH's to fly to a funeral for someone he had not spoken to in, what, 24 years?, seems off kilter. Just having and admitting her feelings does not somehow make OP "psycho" as some idiot PP insisted, nor does it mean she wants to control her DH or whatever other nonsense people love to post on DCUM.

But if he IS in touch with a mutual friend group from college and they're all going I can see how he might feel he wanted to go as well--for them, for mutual support, as much as, probably more than, for the sake of someone he hasn't spoken to or seen in decades.

Importantly, if her death is the first among anyone he knows from college days, this is not only about her having been a GF, but also about her simply being the first in his own generation he knows who has died. That rocks some people and doesn't affect others.

The suddenness is probably part of it too; if he'd heard she'd died after a protracted illness, surrounded by her family, quietly, etc., would he then have rushed to a funeral in another city? I can't help but think not. But a sudden, surprising death when everyone in your old friend circle is still going along OK, well, that makes some people suddenly rather aware of their own mortality, and wanting to see and be reassured by old friends from that time.

So probably bigger context going on than just "she was his college GF, why does he care?", OP. Worth considering.

[Anonymous]

My goodness, OP, this is a chance for him to see and connect with his college friend group, as he deals (maybe for the first time) with the death of a peer-age person. What don't you get about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, OP, this is a chance for him to see and connect with his college friend group, as he deals (maybe for the first time) with the death of a peer-age person. What don't you get about that?

If he's never before shown an interest in the former GF's life after their breakup, it's understandable that OP might be confused about a sudden desire to fly to a funeral 20+ years later. What don't you get about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my high school or college boyfriends died, I would absolutely go and give my respect to their families.

HS is different. You were kids. A partner at 23 is real. A gf at 14 isn't.

A college "partner"? LMAO, a partner in what, paying for pizza and splitting Ubers? OK. Oooooh, maybe going in on a group lease of an off-campus townhouse?

Uhh, my college/grad school bf was a live-in, long term boyfriend of 3 years. In that 3 years my mother died, his brother died, we travelled to 6 countries and he stood by me after a cervical cancer scare. Just a wee bit different than HS homecoming games and dances.

Sounds like you were still a child in college. If you even went.

[Anonymous]

When my college BF died my DH went to the memorial with me because he’s very supportive. And yes, it was like a reunion of old friends, and there was nothing wrong with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College relationships are often part of a friend group. Let him be with his friends who--by the way--predate you.

What is your deal, OP?

This. If my DH’s old girlfriend died young, I would expect that he would go. It was a formative part of his life, and he’s still close to many of that friend group. And if my husband died young, I would be 100% fine if she came to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

Were those ex-boyfriends part of friend groups that are still in touch? Yes or no.

"One-off"/insular boyfriends are different from boyfriends who are part of active friend groups, like college friend groups. You do get that, yes?

No.

I still feel that even if they were, I would not feel inclined to travel to attend the funeral of an ex-boyfriend who'd cheated on me. Nor would I be happy or understand my husband in OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids

Most people understand that their spouses had relationships before they came along that were important to them. This is not at all disrespectful for him to attend.

So, while you are in the depths of grief, burying your DH, being comforted by your immediate family, you have no problem looking over your shoulder and seeing his cheating ex scarfing down ham biscuits and chardonnay?

What? Op said she the dead GF cheated not him.

[Anonymous]

Everyone's talking about dying young here. What if you die old? Is it then less understandable to attend the funeral of an ex?

[Anonymous]

We lost a friend in his 30s. A lot of the college friends who the crew hadn't seen in years showed up to the funeral. It WAS like a reunion. And it was lovely and healing and much needed for everyone. No one thought it was weird that the old friends showed up - the extra support was appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, OP, this is a chance for him to see and connect with his college friend group, as he deals (maybe for the first time) with the death of a peer-age person. What don't you get about that?

If he's never before shown an interest in the former GF's life after their breakup, it's understandable that OP might be confused about a sudden desire to fly to a funeral 20+ years later. What don't you get about that?

Why don’t you get the funerals are rarely about the dead person. It’s about the people that are left behind.

[Anonymous]

I think sending flowers would be a nice gesture.

Attending the funeral feels very awkward to me, but apparently a lot of people feel it would be fine. I’m really surprised at these responses to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, OP, this is a chance for him to see and connect with his college friend group, as he deals (maybe for the first time) with the death of a peer-age person. What don't you get about that?

If he's never before shown an interest in the former GF's life after their breakup, it's understandable that OP might be confused about a sudden desire to fly to a funeral 20+ years later. What don't you get about that?

Because it's an entire friend group, not just one ex-girlfriend. He's not there to, um, talk to her or catch up with her or kiss her, she's...dead. He's going to see a friend group.

[Anonymous]

What do you think’s going to happen, OP? Your DH and all his college buddies are going to engage in a giant orgy?

[Anonymous]

YTA