DH's College GF Died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

Another outlier. While I do think OP is way overthinking things, I also think posts on this thread have been extremely, some very nastily, knee-jerk insulting to OP for owning and voicing her feelings here. There is nothing wrong or bad about her feeling that this sudden desire of DH's to fly to a funeral for someone he had not spoken to in, what, 24 years?, seems off kilter. Just having and admitting her feelings does not somehow make OP "psycho" as some idiot PP insisted, nor does it mean she wants to control her DH or whatever other nonsense people love to post on DCUM.

But if he IS in touch with a mutual friend group from college and they're all going I can see how he might feel he wanted to go as well--for them, for mutual support, as much as, probably more than, for the sake of someone he hasn't spoken to or seen in decades.

Importantly, if her death is the first among anyone he knows from college days, this is not only about her having been a GF, but also about her simply being the first in his own generation he knows who has died. That rocks some people and doesn't affect others.

The suddenness is probably part of it too; if he'd heard she'd died after a protracted illness, surrounded by her family, quietly, etc., would he then have rushed to a funeral in another city? I can't help but think not. But a sudden, surprising death when everyone in your old friend circle is still going along OK, well, that makes some people suddenly rather aware of their own mortality, and wanting to see and be reassured by old friends from that time.

So probably bigger context going on than just "she was his college GF, why does he care?", OP. Worth considering.

And if his going didn't have to do with reconnecting with old college friends, and did have to do with love that he used to have for an ex, what is wrong with that? It's very human to go through love and loss, and to act like he never loved anyone else is really childish. Like other posters said, it's a sign of maturity for him to want to honor this relationship that he had. The fact that OP is threatened by this is really petty and small minded

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree with you it's strange, people grow up and move on with their lives. Sure he should care that she passed in the sense for HER husband and HER kids and a loss of life but it should not affect his life today.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

I mean, this is just ridiculous. It just does not happen at funerals that the children are introduced to the adults who need to announce that they slept with their mother decades ago. Some of you are coming up with these farcical justifications for why you shouldn't go. The children finding out that Mom had an ex-boyfriend is not a reason not to go. This scenario just does not happen or matter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OPs side. If it were my husband it would be a no for me. Husband is using funeral as an excuse to ditch her with the kids while he goes to party with his college buddies. No where did it say she was welcomed to come. This woman is dead they have been separated for 23 years there is honestly no need for him to go to this funeral. This woman nor his college buddies are active people in their current lives who they see or speak with regularly. He needs to stay home

Oh no! Not a weekend with the kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's super weird that you think it's weird OP.

+1 Your DH is not weird for wanting to go but your are bordering on weird for thinking this.

SUPER weird

[Anonymous]

I’ve been to two funerals for friends from high school, I was 45 for the first. Even though I haven’t laid eyes on them in a good 15 years it was still sad and kind of shocking to see someone I had so much fun with dead in a box.
Getting together with friends I hadn’t seen in just as long for drinks after was such a fantastic recharge, I laughed harder than I had in years, it could have been because the stress of having to look solemn was over or the realization that life is for living and one day I too will be in that box, so I might as well have another martini.

Don’t give your husband any trouble on this, let him go, help him pick out a suit. The ex girlfriend means nothing, what he’s about to do may help him refine some priorities in his life and you will likely find a much more fun and kinder man returning home to you.

I wrote my wife a long love letter while I waited for my flight home from JFK, I felt so lucky to have her, to be alive, I was so overcome with this need to connect with her and have her know how I really felt. After I sent the letter I just sat there and watched people go by and made up stories about their lives.
When I was done people watching I went to the bar in the terminal, ordered a martini, picked up my phone again and bought a boat.

[Anonymous]

Team husband. Your reaction is jealous and unworthy.

[Anonymous]

I've been to an ex’s funeral. The wife didn’t know. They had small kids. It was utterly heartbreaking. I was there because he was a good human. I brought really good cookies and small toys for the kids that they played with on the spot. The eulogy was incredible. I hope that just seeing many people there made the family feel less alone.

OP, why are you so concerned?

[Anonymous]

This was a person he cared deeply for at one point.

Yes, but she sourced new/different/outside sew-sidge and that, my friend, is the name of that tune.

[Anonymous]

(The wife didn’t know I was an ex. She knew I was part of a bigger friend group.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are cold. Let him visit and show his respect.

This.

It’s just decency to go. You really need to think about your jealousy of the deceased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.

You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.

Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.

I mean, this is just ridiculous. It just does not happen at funerals that the children are introduced to the adults who need to announce that they slept with their mother decades ago. Some of you are coming up with these farcical justifications for why you shouldn't go. The children finding out that Mom had an ex-boyfriend is not a reason not to go. This scenario just does not happen or matter

I disagree, but why would you risk it? Is OP’s DH’s grief so overwhelming for someone he hasn’t talked to in 25 years that it is worth putting out a grieving family? Is attending the service the sole and only way to support his friends and risk putting out a grieving family?

Sometimes you are the main star of the show and sometimes you need to know your place. Who knows if the widower would react strongly to his presence, but why even take that risk at this moment? Frankly, OP’s DH sounds narcissistic here needing to insert himself into the situation. Unless he KNOWS the grieving family would welcome his presence, he should stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a car accident at 47. He hadn't spoken with her since she cheated on him, and thus ended their relationship, at 23. She was in Chicago we are in DC. He has kept up with all of his college friends and many of them are going to her funeral. He wants to attend.

Is that weird? She was married with kids.

This feels a.) a bit like he's using her funeral as a reunion, b.) a bit like he cares more than I want him too, and c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids.

I said all this and was told "I didn't understand".

What's going on here?

You don't get to decide how much he cares.

Also, he's been married to YOU for, presumably, a decade or more. He cares more about you, ok?

Look-this was his gf when he was young. It's always a shock to lose someone from the young days. He and the other college friends are going to pay their respects. The gf's husband will probably be glad that she had her old friends turn out for her, when someone is gone it's nice to know that they are thought of. The past is the past, he married you and she married her widow, you both had families, and now he can say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

She’s dead, OP! Why are jealous of her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright I'll be the outlier here. I'm with you, OP. I would not feel good about my husband wanting to attend the funeral of his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - especially not comfortable about him going to the trouble and expense of traveling to another city. Feels wrong to me. I have ex boyfriends from 25 years ago with whom I haven't stayed in touch. Some were intense relationships. Would not travel for their funeral.

Not saying there's anything suspicious about this. I'm just saying I relate to how you feel. I would be put out if my husband told me he wanted to attend his ex-girlfriend's funeral out of town.

I'm almost to +1 here. I wouldn't take it as my husband was pining for his ex, but I find it weird. They haven't been in touch for a quarter of a century and he feels the need to go to her funeral? He's clearly using it as a reason to get together with all the college friends. And maybe that's ok?

I think it's weird and could possibly be jarring for the family. I'm not in touch with my college boyfriend but as he married one of my sorority sisters a few years after we split we have a lot of mutual friends. I can't imagine showing up to his funeral after 25 years and talking to his mom and sister and all the people we were friends with through him. How unbelievably uncomfortable. Send a card to her parents or sibling.