In love with a cheater
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Anonymous
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Does he know? My husband had an affair midlife. No strings thing he went online to look for during his complete midlife crisis.
I get it. As angry and rageful and pissed, I still loved him. However, I do not tolerate cheating. I threw him out of the house. He had confessed and was already in therapy and doing everything to prove he was worthy, etc. Things are great now, but this was a one chance thing. He knows that. Everything is in place so if it were to happen again our marriage would be over. I researched everything. Finances are in order, pre-nup. He also got a vasectomy. There are just way too many risks to you to live this way. We were still having sex so I was irate about the risk to my health this imposed. I am sure your self esteem is down now, but you don’t deserve this. You can love someone and still have boundaries. And sometimes you can love them, but their behavior (drug or alcohol addiction, cheating, etc) makes it that you can’t have them as a spouse. Therapy for yourself. But- first— confront him! Have you? I’m sorry this is happening to you. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry for your predicament, OP.
This sounds like something that a good therapist could help you with. There are plenty of strategies for coping with less than ideal circumstances, since no one life's is ideal 100% of the time. We all make compromises based on what we can live with, and it really doesn't matter if other people couldn't live with yours . . . as long as you can. |
Anonymous
Were you replying to some other post? Because mine, which you used, did not use the word divorce, did not even insinuate she should divorce, did not recommend a therapist (though I think it's a good idea) and did not "reduce all of the decision" down to "my husband cheated." I said that love is not always enough if there is not also respect and dignity. Cheating is the opposite of treating a spouse with respect and dignity. That's it. I'm well aware that finances play a part. Nowhere did I say they do not, nowhere did I advocate for OP to ditch her husband as some knee-jerk emotional reaction. Please read with more care next time, or be sure you're quoting the post to which you're actually responding, becuase you seem not to be addressing mine at all. |
Anonymous
Uh no! Blame the cheater for losing their dignity not the person who is loyal! OP - I'm sorry this is happening. If you can find a way to live with it you will be fine. It is unlikely that he will leave you for this other person, but it is a possibility. Most men cheat because they can and it gives them an ego boost. They don't actually want to emd their marriage. I would let him know it hurts you though and take note of his response - is he embarrassed, does he feel bad for hurting you, or is he callous and defensive? |
Anonymous
This is absolute worse and wrong advice to give. Terrible. |
Anonymous
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OP, love is part choice and part chemistry. The choice is that you invest time in the other person and trust and get those things back.
My DH also cheated. I did not leave and hoped we could reconcile, and he begged to do so, but over time I saw that my DH did not really love me - he put on a good show sometimes but over time I could see that it was manipulative. He never stopped cheating on me, and I eventually forced him to leave. It was a very painful few years, bug I am much happier now. |
Anonymous
If no one else knows, who is going to judge you for staying? I ask that sincerely, without snarkiness or criticism, OP. If this affair of his is secret to everyone else--as he thinks it is to you--who will be doing the judging? Have you considered that maybe the fear of judgement you feel is, on some level, judging yourself if you stay? Just something to consider. Please don't continue to be alone in this. He needs to know that you know, or else you are agreeing to live a lie every day and every night. You cannot make ANY choices, to stay or to leave, to tell him he can continue or to deliver an ultimatum that he must stop, unless you have all the information and it's all out in the open. You also need to get tested for STIs, a subject on which an earlier PP touched, talking about the risk to the betrayed spouse's health. Your children need a healthy mother no matter what choices you make about staying or leaving. Don't take DH's word for it if he says he's only had one AP, or she's monogamous with him, etc. Protect you physical health first and foremost, then ASAP get a therapist (solo) and dig into why you love him and whether the marriage can work. It is hard and painful and frankly it's easier to be sad and fearful and cling to the love. Are you willing to do the hard, painful work? Even if you stay with him, you need to do that work so you can be clear-eyed about why you are staying, if he keeps the AP(s). |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| Do you work? |
Anonymous
DP. Responses like this are unhelpful. It is not damaging to OP’s dignity to remain married to a man she loves and to keep her intact family intact. Her husband is the one damaging his own dignity, not hers. |
Anonymous
+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more. |
Anonymous
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Loving someone who mistreats you is a sign of self hatred, a pattern probably started in childhood. Get therapy.
The fact that you can’t even get angry or confront him is alarming. You will get sick from this. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry. There is a good possibility he might leave you if he is obsessed with the AP.
Think about that and start getting your life together.. finances, find a job if you have to etc. Also, your health is important.. are you guys intimate? STD's etc. |
Anonymous
Disagree. I think it's fine advice. My main issue with leaving my cheating ex was that the was stealing money, being mean as a means to excuse his cheating, and sleeping with many different people thus exposing me to STD's and STI's. It was total chaos in the home because I didn't know what I was dealing with from day to day. He had also become a completely different person into new activities and even a different religion than when we married. I didn't know him anymore. Although my home is more predictable, I've just swapped one set of problems now for another set. If our marriage was intact other than cheating and he just had this other relationship that he used for sex and I loved my husband and he still showed me love, I would absolutely have stayed as long as possible. Especially with kids. |
Anonymous
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There are several options, for example:
0. What OP is doing currently 1. Divorce 2. Telling him and asking to end it 3. Asking him to attend joint therapy 4. Attending individual therapy yourself 5. Telling him and making it an open marriage so both are free for affairs 6. Getting family or clergy involved 7. Gentle threat to tell it to family and friends and kids 8. Orchestrating a move to another state or country so he has to end it 9. Staying married but having parallel lives 10. Appealing to the mistress's human side and begging to end it quietly |