In love with a cheater

[Anonymous]

For all we know, getting caught and shamed may fix him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.

Good God, those are years, even decades, when OP (or any betrayed spouse) could be living a real life of her own, and not living inside some "war of attrition" where the other person in that war, the AP, does not even know or care that the "war" is going on. This is just giving VAST power and agency over one's life to another person who does not care about your existence. And "winning" after years and years ends with what prize? A spouse who is used up by someone else? Who will still be thinking about and stewing over the now-lost AP? Fine prize to have but hey, you "saved the marriage" and "kept the family together" at the cost of your own soul and years of lost happiness and self-respect.

Wars of attrition aren't born out of actual love but out of a craving to "win" at all costs. What insane advice.

[Anonymous]

People like OP will never leave. Just languish over this for the rest of their lives. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

Get a job and a therapist.

Why do you want to stay or be in love with someone who isn't in love with you? Who doesnt cherish you? Who is willingly breaking their marriage vows that they made, to you?

What if he leaves you?

You need to open your eyes and be prepared here. Don't just sit and twiddle your thumbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.

Usually the guy gets sick of them and dumps them. At least I see this when both are married. Usually the guy feels she is getting to needy and trying to encroach on his marriage for her dream of an exit affair (even if she stated she wasn't planning to leave). Single women might decide to leave, but usually they hang on and on and on believing him when he says 'one day, after kids grow up, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are several options, for example:

0. What OP is doing currently
1. Divorce
2. Telling him and asking to end it
3. Asking him to attend joint therapy
4. Attending individual therapy yourself
5. Telling him and making it an open marriage so both are free for affairs
6. Getting family or clergy involved
7. Gentle threat to tell it to family and friends and kids
8. Orchestrating a move to another state or country so he has to end it
9. Staying married but having parallel lives
10. Appealing to the mistress's human side and begging to end it quietly

She can also just set herself up financially should they divorce. Either getting a job, following assets closet, getting a post nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all we know, getting caught and shamed may fix him.

Sometimes it's not until they see they are going to lose everything they ever cared about or meant something--will they wake the h*ll up. Sometimes when the light is shined on them and the secret is out and their families, friends and everyone knows--it causes change in character. And, sometimes, they are so morally empty it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.

Usually the guy gets sick of them and dumps them. At least I see this when both are married. Usually the guy feels she is getting to needy and trying to encroach on his marriage for her dream of an exit affair (even if she stated she wasn't planning to leave). Single women might decide to leave, but usually they hang on and on and on believing him when he says 'one day, after kids grow up, etc, etc.

This is very true for both genders, if one person keeps their marriage, after awhile other affair partner wants more and married one doesn't care enough to give it. Once novelty is gone and neediness and nagging has taken over, it's not fun but baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are several options, for example:

0. What OP is doing currently
1. Divorce
2. Telling him and asking to end it
3. Asking him to attend joint therapy
4. Attending individual therapy yourself
5. Telling him and making it an open marriage so both are free for affairs
6. Getting family or clergy involved
7. Gentle threat to tell it to family and friends and kids
8. Orchestrating a move to another state or country so he has to end it
9. Staying married but having parallel lives
10. Appealing to the mistress's human side and begging to end it quietly

She can also just set herself up financially should they divorce. Either getting a job, following assets closet, getting a post nup.

That's an obvious given with 2. divorce.

[Anonymous]

Its not always about job or money, for many children, love and socially intact family are important even if they are financially independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.

Usually the guy gets sick of them and dumps them. At least I see this when both are married. Usually the guy feels she is getting to needy and trying to encroach on his marriage for her dream of an exit affair (even if she stated she wasn't planning to leave). Single women might decide to leave, but usually they hang on and on and on believing him when he says 'one day, after kids grow up, etc, etc.

This is very true for both genders, if one person keeps their marriage, after awhile other affair partner wants more and married one doesn't care enough to give it. Once novelty is gone and neediness and nagging has taken over, it's not fun but baggage.

Cheater may end this affair and straighten up or cheat on their affair partner too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not always about job or money, for many children, love and socially intact family are important even if they are financially independent.

It's a lot easier to make an informed choice if you are financially independent. It's the SAHP that takes the biggest hit financially if they are to get dumped vs someone with their own career and money.

Just because she doesnt want to leave doesnt mean they are going to stay together. He could very well choose to leave her and she should make sure she is aware of her options if that does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to start investing in yourself. Therapy and show yourself love: start hobbies and work on your career and fortify your friendships. If you feel strong then you can make better decisions.

+1 I'll add that 'love' is not enough for a healthy relationship. You, frankly, don't sound very healthy and a good counselor can help get you to where you need to be to make healthy choices, not choices of desperation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

I disagree with you. Op is opening herself up to STDs if she stays with this loser. Not good for her health at all. Why should she try to make it work with someone who doesn’t value her or could up and leave her one day? She needs to value herself and leave someone like that.