In love with a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.

Usually the guy gets sick of them and dumps them. At least I see this when both are married. Usually the guy feels she is getting to needy and trying to encroach on his marriage for her dream of an exit affair (even if she stated she wasn't planning to leave). Single women might decide to leave, but usually they hang on and on and on believing him when he says 'one day, after kids grow up, etc, etc.

This is very true for both genders, if one person keeps their marriage, after awhile other affair partner wants more and married one doesn't care enough to give it. Once novelty is gone and neediness and nagging has taken over, it's not fun but baggage.

I actually agree this is true of both genders. I know DCUM wants us to believe the female AP is the one who gets needy and dumped..because there are a lot of wronged wives here. But I've seen it go both ways and usually it depends on logistics...to be honest, the person with little kids usually is the one who wants to stay in his/her marriage.

[Anonymous]

No matter what you do, he may leave. Don't rely on a false sense of control and self sacrificing or you may get a nasty surprise.

Ramp up your career and attend some online coda.org meetings and build yourself up. You need to get into a position to protect your kids given your husband's actions do not bode well for your family unit staying together.

[Anonymous]

Get tested for STIs regularly, including HIV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

You sound dormant. You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality. It is not healthy for you or your children.

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision.

I disagree with you. Op is opening herself up to STDs if she stays with this loser. Not good for her health at all. Why should she try to make it work with someone who doesn’t value her or could up and leave her one day? She needs to value herself and leave someone like that.

She does not have to sleep with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

Eh, I'd say only about 10-15% of cheating men actually leave their wife (even lower if the kids are under 18). The norm is for men to stay.

Women who cheat are way more likely to divorce, even if only to be by themselves and figure out their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

If you love him, and want to stay him, just do it.

People have had affairs for thousands of years.

[Anonymous]

You obviously love him more than you love yourself. I’m sad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

Eh, I'd say only about 10-15% of cheating men actually leave their wife (even lower if the kids are under 18). The norm is for men to stay.

Women who cheat are way more likely to divorce, even if only to be by themselves and figure out their life.

Please give us a reputable source for your statistic above. I'm not necessarily doubting you but people toss out percentages all the time for all kinds of things here, and most of them are pulled straight from people's imaginations, not from actual studies of real people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

Eh, I'd say only about 10-15% of cheating men actually leave their wife (even lower if the kids are under 18). The norm is for men to stay.

Women who cheat are way more likely to divorce, even if only to be by themselves and figure out their life.

+1 most cheaters don’t leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.

If you love him, and want to stay him, just do it.

People have had affairs for thousands of years.

This. You will be more unhappy if you divorce and you will have a greater share of other problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

Eh, I'd say only about 10-15% of cheating men actually leave their wife (even lower if the kids are under 18). The norm is for men to stay.

Women who cheat are way more likely to divorce, even if only to be by themselves and figure out their life.

Men are much more likely to divorce a cheating wife than women are to divorce a cheating husband. MUCH more likely.

[Anonymous]

Isn't every AP/OW out there technically in love with a cheater?? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could be cultural and OP is conditioned to make every sacrifice to keep the family intact for the sake of children and social respect. Till death do us apart.

If divorce indeed isn't something she wants then its fine. Everyone makes some sacrifices in life for different reasons, let her pick her poison.

Divorce only takes 1 and he may well leave. Many cheaters do.

OP, get yourself prepared financially, you have to be able to take care of your kids. He may start a family with someone else and basically walk away. You need to not think being a doormat gives you any power or control whatsoever.

Eh, I'd say only about 10-15% of cheating men actually leave their wife (even lower if the kids are under 18). The norm is for men to stay.

Women who cheat are way more likely to divorce, even if only to be by themselves and figure out their life.

Men are much more likely to divorce a cheating wife than women are to divorce a cheating husband. MUCH more likely.

I don’t think this is true. Like where is your data for this?

[Anonymous]

How do you know he is cheating?