SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

Overreacting, but if you feel hurt just tell her and stop playing silly games. She called you and texted you but the only thing that would have been acceptable to you was if she attended the funeral?

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

Okay, c'mon. You explicitly told people not to come and she didn't come and you're now writing her off? She lives hours away, and you're upset she didn't just show up on a weeknight? I'm not trying to be mean but I don't know what you want from her other than a whipping boy at this point. She called you, you didn't pick up. She's texted you. Both of those things - personal contact to express support - are more effort than an Edible Arrangement or whatever you're so jazzed about from the other SIL. You are avoiding her ("I think she still talks to the kids") because you're upset, but you've never expressed that you're upset with her and in fact implied you'd prefer to be left alone by not calling her back, which makes you the problem at this point.

Sorry about your dad. Stop being a dick to your SIL. She didn't do anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m going to gently suggest that you are angry at your SIL because it’s easier to feel that emotion than it is to process the grief about losing your dad.

Losing a parent is hard, no matter what age you are. We all want support from our friends and family, but you’re putting an expectation on your husband’s sister who lives hours away that seems excessive. You have friends who came to the service but your focus is on one person who didn’t send a card, though she both texted and called. I think you need to examine what you may subconsciously be doing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

Yes, you are.

Also, consider her connection here. Does she even know your dad? Despite being friends, her connection is via her brother’s marriage. She might feel like she’s intruding on your grief and your family if she gets too involved. These situations can be incredibly awkward and difficult especially dealing with people who are grieving. I can just as easily see a post on here with someone complaining that they had to make time at their father’s funeral to entertain their husband’s sister who shouldn’t have come bc it wasn’t even her family.

[Anonymous]

OP it is really hard to grieve and know what to do when someone you love is grieving. She tried to call and she did text. Don't do the comparison thing between your SILs. Just focus on what you need to do for yourself and your kids who lost their grandfather.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting.

[Anonymous]

I understand you are grieving, but this is over the top. She tried to connect with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died — had been sick, but the death felt relatively sudden as he deteriorated quickly — and my SIL who lives a few hours away didn’t come to the funeral or even send something. We have a close relationship; not best friends, but see each other every few months, she talks to my kids most weeks, we have a text chain. She did text to send condolences and tried to call once (I wasn’t able to answer the phone and we never connected).

My other SIL (with whom I am less close) lives across the country and didn’t come either, but did send a big food gift for my family.

Since the funeral a few months ago, I have been on group texts with SIL and she’s sent some casual “how’s it going” texts, to which I’ve responded but haven’t engaged much. I was pretty hurt that she didn’t come at the time, and now just feel emotionally distant and that I don’t want to bother to engage beyond basic pleasantries. I think she still talks to kids through my husband, but he knows I was sad and now distant so doesn’t call me over to chat like he used to.

Am I being silly not to repair? I think I need her to take the first step, after which I might be open to it, but is that just immature?

What would the first step even be? She called you, you didn’t pick up. She is giving you space. Is there something else you don’t like about her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When she opens the door by asking how you are, tell her you are grieving and it is heavy, and you need support from family and friends. Hopefully she will then step up by asking how she can help, and hopefully you can be ready with some concrete ways you want help, like "I'd love for you to come visit," or "It's hard to get dinner on the table and I'd love a restaurant gift card" or "I'd love for you to call me a little more."

I would never say you are being "silly," but please recognize that you are deep in grief right now. Try not to take any actions that can't be undone when you are feeling a bit stronger.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Don't say the bolded part. You have the money to buy your on restaurant gift card. This is so tacky.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Since it’s come up a few times, she did know my dad and has spent decent time with him. I would say on average one holiday/vacation a year for the past 15 years with my family, including my dad. We often have had joint dinners etc for Christmas/thanksgiving since we have the only grandkids so far on both sides. Even before kids, her parents lived abroad for awhile when she was in college and so she did holidays with my family (at my parents home, not my house).

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]She called you and you didn’t call her back. You’re giving off “leave me alone” vibes, which is something a lot of people do when they are grieving. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I think this may be a bit of misdirected anger. [/quote]

This. So a food basket means more to you than someone reaching out and trying to talk to you on the phone and is texting to check on you? It is a common grief response to try to find fault with someone who you feel did not act like you wanted them to. She is your husband's sister and does not live in your town. Don't torpedo your relationship because of this. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother this past year and it is very difficult to lose a beloved parent.

[Anonymous]

-She texted you
-She tried to call you
-She has sent follow up texts asking how you are

-You didnt answer
-You didnt call back
-You are cold and distant to her texts

Who is the problem here?

[Anonymous]

I lost my father earlier this year. I’m very sorry.

I will say from acute experience - until you’ve lost a parent, it’s really very easy to just give a pro forma response. (Even after that it’s easy to do). I was guilty of it myself.

I have a lot of close friends who didn’t do anything beyond a text or something. The friends who continued to check in, or send something, had lost a parent themselves.

If your SIL hasn’t lost a parent, don’t expect much of her and don’t hold it against her once your grief gets more manageable. No need to do anything now though.

Now, if she did lose a parent and you went above and beyond, make note, move on and don’t go out of your way in the future (I have one friend who was like that, her lack of any meaningful check in didn’t surprise me, though because it was very on brand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

So you told her not to come and are mad that she didnt??

You sound like an awful friend honestly. How is she supposed to read your mind? She literally did as you asked, tried to call you, and you want to be pissy at her?

Good lord you sound like a teenage girl who is trying to "test" her boyfriend. Really childish and manipulative.