SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

OP here. To be clear, she never asked me whether to come. She texted “sorry to hear about your dad” and called with a message that was the same. I called her back later that day, she didn’t answer, and we have had minimal texts since.

[Anonymous]

Sincere condolences, OP. I think there’s varying degrees of separation within in law and extended family circles. I get that she’s a good aunt your kids. If the relationship doesn’t extend beyond that to your side of the family for holidays, she may not feel that connection.
I can’t count how many services I’ve attended, but I’m sure I missed a few that I didn’t feel my presence was necessary. I usually send something depending on the relationships. My siblings didn’t attend services for DHs mother or brother. I did go to my sister’s FIL wake/funeral because we were connected in that way.

DH side is deeply enmeshed in extended family. Like crazy cakes enmeshed. I’ve gotten the tsk tsk for not attending services for cousin in laws spouse’s moms/dads, great aunts/uncles. I don’t even know how to grammatically write those connections. And the funerals of grandparents or parents of niece/nephew in laws.

[Anonymous]

I'm a "you just show up" kind of person also. I believe in it. It matters to me to be there and I believe it matters to the people who see you there.

That said, I realize not everyone agrees w/ me. People grieve differently. People aren't taught how to handle grief, or to be there for someone who is grieving. People don't know what to do. People who genuinely want to help but are paralyzed by not knowing how to may make tentative overtures but be easily turned aside. So a "how are you/how are you doing" might be a significant effort from someone, but if met w/ a cool or limited response, then they might shut down.

So, just in defense of your SIL, is it possible that she:
- tried to reach you right away but you never returned the call
- feels like she tried more than once to open up the subject, see how you're doing, but you didn't really pick up the ball or continue the conversation
- feels like maybe you're not interested in talking w/ her about this
- feels like maybe she's not as close to you as she thought because you seem not to want to talk with her
- is someone who tries to personally reach out, rather than sending fruit or a card, because she feels a more personal connection w/ you

I'm not making excuses - just trying to show a possible alternate mindset. I agree w/ other posters who said that you may feel differently about this in time. I also think that if you value the friendship w/ her it's worth a little honestly. "Hey, can we talk? I've been kind of a mess following my dad's death..." and then just see what happens. I guess I'm just saying to give her a chance. People really struggle with death in all kinds of ways, including the very basic things of just showing up or sending a card.

And I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing parents changes the shape of things in the world and it takes a while to recover/adjust/recalibrate. Be kind to yourself and extend as much mercy to others as you can while you're grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this person your SIL? Are you referring to your DH's sister?

yes

DP but why would your DH's sister come to your father's funeral? I'm been close to my BIL since we were 19 and I wouldn't expect him to do this. I also know how it feels to lose a parent, and I'm sorry. Sometimes in our grief we expect others to act a certain way and when they don't its disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, she never asked me whether to come. She texted “sorry to hear about your dad” and called with a message that was the same. I called her back later that day, she didn’t answer, and we have had minimal texts since.

Does that matter? You said you told everyone not to put themselves out, and it sounds like it was at an incredbly inconvenient time for most people. Don't judge her on what other people did, they may have more money/flexibility/child care/work/etc than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

Yea you are overreacting big time.

Does she have kids?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really overreacting.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

[Anonymous]

Some people (right wrong or indifferent...) are not comfortable with death. They don't know what to say or do so they ignore instead of just showing up. It's hurtful but its very common.

[Anonymous]

She did text to send condolences and tried to call once

She DID do something. Stop looking for the bad in people Op!
Her style is - she assumed you had the support you needed. She assumed it would be an inconvenience *to you* for you to have to arrange your time to speak to her/call her back/her call you back.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on this and focus on what really matters right now. Maybe it feels better to take out your emotions on your SIL than to face the other emotions you are pushing down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

[Anonymous]

Do you think your dad would want you to blow up the relationship because she didn't come to his funeral? Is that what he would have wanted? You seem to want to be snubbed over this because she didn't read your mind, jump on a plane, or get you a restaurant gift card or something. She reached out, was rebuffed, and is now giving you space. You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My sil never uttered one word about my mom’s death-we we’re pretty close before but 10 years later polite but much less close (snd honestly I don’t really feel any connection to her anymore.)