SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

My dad died — had been sick, but the death felt relatively sudden as he deteriorated quickly — and my SIL who lives a few hours away didn’t come to the funeral or even send something. We have a close relationship; not best friends, but see each other every few months, she talks to my kids most weeks, we have a text chain. She did text to send condolences and tried to call once (I wasn’t able to answer the phone and we never connected).

My other SIL (with whom I am less close) lives across the country and didn’t come either, but did send a big food gift for my family.

Since the funeral a few months ago, I have been on group texts with SIL and she’s sent some casual “how’s it going” texts, to which I’ve responded but haven’t engaged much. I was pretty hurt that she didn’t come at the time, and now just feel emotionally distant and that I don’t want to bother to engage beyond basic pleasantries. I think she still talks to kids through my husband, but he knows I was sad and now distant so doesn’t call me over to chat like he used to.

Am I being silly not to repair? I think I need her to take the first step, after which I might be open to it, but is that just immature?

[Anonymous]

How is this person your SIL? Are you referring to your DH's sister?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When she opens the door by asking how you are, tell her you are grieving and it is heavy, and you need support from family and friends. Hopefully she will then step up by asking how she can help, and hopefully you can be ready with some concrete ways you want help, like "I'd love for you to come visit," or "It's hard to get dinner on the table and I'd love a restaurant gift card" or "I'd love for you to call me a little more."

I would never say you are being "silly," but please recognize that you are deep in grief right now. Try not to take any actions that can't be undone when you are feeling a bit stronger.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Neither one of my SILs acknowledged my mom's death. We are all close and have close kids. From that moment - I dropped the rope. No more bday cards, no acknowledging their kids graduations, etcs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this person your SIL? Are you referring to your DH's sister?

yes

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting in a big way, especially if it’s your brother’s wife and he came to the funeral while she watched the kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being silly, your feelings are very valid and I would feel the same way if someone I was close with did this. I think you should tell her you were hurt by her (non) response to your loss. She may not even realize it. Death is hard for people. They don't know what to do or say, and it can be awkward. People avoid it because it's very uncomfortable for them. It doesen't make it ok, but this may be why.

[Anonymous]

OP here. SIL is my husband’s sister. My brother of course came to the funeral, as did his fiancée, fiancée’s sister and husband, and fiancée’s parents (4 hour flight away).

[Anonymous]

I think you are really overreacting.

[Anonymous]

My dh’s sister behaved similarly after my dad died and I have had no desire to be close to her since.

[Anonymous]

She called you and you didn’t call her back. You’re giving off “leave me alone” vibes, which is something a lot of people do when they are grieving. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I think this may be a bit of misdirected anger.

[Anonymous]

When my dad died, I got texts from 2 of 3 SILs (DH's sisters) and none attended his funeral. They are all out of state and I didn't expect it. I was pleasantly surprised when DH's brother and wife flew in for the funeral just for the day, but I think that's a lot of money to spend for one day (it was a weekday so they had to take off work as well), and I would have been fine if they didn't attend either. When you get to a certain age, a lot of friends' and relatives' elderly relatives start to die. You can't go to everything. And the death of an elderly parent is routine, not tragic like losing a spouse or a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She called you and you didn’t call her back. You’re giving off “leave me alone” vibes, which is something a lot of people do when they are grieving. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I think this may be a bit of misdirected anger.

Also, you say that it's on her to take the first step to "repair," but there's no indication that you have told her that you are upset, or even that she knows that you think she has wronged you.

[Anonymous]

You're grieving, and it's easier to be upset with her than sad about your dad. I'm sorry for your loss but nothing she did or failed to do sounds like something she needs to apologize for. You don't see each other often but do text - she texted you and tried to call you (and you never called back? not clear). You're cordial and she's checked in. She lives several hours away and didn't attend the funeral of her brother's father in law, and you're upset she didn't send you food like someone else thought to do.

It seems like you're looking for her to read your mind and it's not fair to her when she seems to be a nice person who just didn't go "above and beyond" in the way you wanted.

[Anonymous]

I went to my SIL’s dad’s funeral. They were actually really surprised that I came (although appreciative). No way would she have been upset if I hadn’t been able to make it. I didn’t know the dad or many in her extended family (I did know her sister).

OP, I say this gently, but I think you are overreacting. Grief is hard. This doesn’t mean that your SIL doesn’t care deeply about you. Different families handle things differently and maybe she feels like you wanted to be with your family and not have a lot of extra people around.