SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

I always try to go to funerals because I know it’s means something to people. But a lot of people don’t feel that way. They go to funerals if the person who died meant something to them. Not if the person who died meant something to the living friend.

You need to stop blaming her for not coming. It’s not expected for an in law to come to a funeral in that situation. I offered to go to my sisters husbands fathers funeral in another state and my parents who are very into going to funerals when appropriate told me I didn’t need to.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I think calling someone to let them know I was thinking about them, and following up with texts when she didn't pick up, is actually much, much better than grabbing a Hallmark card from CVS the next time I need toothpaste. And if the person I reached out to responded by avoiding me and distancing herself, I would assume she wanted privacy for her grief, not that she was doing some kind of online tit for tat about how terrible I was for not sending a gift basket.

+100. I have had friends give off “I need you” vibes and friends give off “I need space” vibes following the death of a parent. If I texted, called, sent check-in texts and wasn’t getting any signal back that the grieving person wanted more contact, I would err on the side of giving them space.

You have a part in this, OP. Life is short. Do you really want to ruin relationships over who “perfectly” met your expectations at a very difficult, emotional, confusing time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’ll understand how much she dropped the ball when she loses a parent. Other than that, nothing you can do.

Or maybe not. People have different reactions and expectations. My dad died a couple years ago. DH's brother and SIL's only response was a "sorry" message on Facebook and then they offered their condolences when we next saw them several months later. I certainly would not have expected them to come to the funeral. FWIW, I just attended my uncle's funeral and there were no child's-spouse's family attending and it was a really large family. I just don't see how that is a normal expectation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

That's right. Everyone feels better when they've received 16 lasagnas and 7 Nothing But Bundts. It's the only way to show you care. Please remember to return the casserole dish!

The sil did nothing other than one conference text-if that’s how you do things, carry on! I’m sure everyone finds you very warm!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

Flowers are outdated?? Huh??

NP. Yes, flowers are wasteful and after about four bouquets, it’s just more waste and more to deal with. That is why donations to a charity are often included in the obituaries, “in lieu of flowers.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She called you and you didn’t call her back. You’re giving off “leave me alone” vibes, which is something a lot of people do when they are grieving. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I think this may be a bit of misdirected anger.

This was my thought too. She may not know what to do or how to be because of this. It would totally be something I would do. Text condolences, call and leave a message if you don’t pick up, and then take the lead from you about what I should do or how I should act. When she asks how it’s going, are you honest with her? I would start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

I with this one. I have lost a 53-year-old sister and my father within the last 2 years. I would never ever expect food or food gift cards. It's not like my life all of a sudden became busier and I don't have time to cook. It's so weird that OP expects gifts because her father died. I'm sorry, but it just is. Her way of helping and letting you know she cares is to check in on you and say, hey, how are you, what do you need? I mean, I guess if your overwhelming grief is making it impossible for you or your husband to feed your family, you could say, food would be nice. But losing a father is not a time for gift grabbing. I don't mean to be harsh, but I have been there, multiple times, and those who say your SIL will "get it" once she loses a parent are not correct, not necessarily anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She called you and you didn’t call her back. You’re giving off “leave me alone” vibes, which is something a lot of people do when they are grieving. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I think this may be a bit of misdirected anger.

+1

You're grieving, and it feels good to target your anger somewhere, but know that it's not really fair or deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

I with this one. I have lost a 53-year-old sister and my father within the last 2 years. I would never ever expect food or food gift cards. It's not like my life all of a sudden became busier and I don't have time to cook. It's so weird that OP expects gifts because her father died. I'm sorry, but it just is. Her way of helping and letting you know she cares is to check in on you and say, hey, how are you, what do you need? I mean, I guess if your overwhelming grief is making it impossible for you or your husband to feed your family, you could say, food would be nice. But losing a father is not a time for gift grabbing. I don't mean to be harsh, but I have been there, multiple times, and those who say your SIL will "get it" once she loses a parent are not correct, not necessarily anyway.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL could try a little harder. It’s OP’s dad. That’s a significant loss.

SIL is probably focused most on her brother, not his sister.

[Anonymous]

^ in law

[Anonymous]

It's the lack of the food gift basket, right? She texted, tried calling, and has texted a few times "how's it going" and you're displeased. The other SIL didn't do any of that but sends the gift, and you are pleased. Seems strange to get hung up on the lack of gift, when a death isn't exactly a gift giving occasion.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this isn’t a gift giving occasion and thus your comparison of the SILs seems a bit…strange. You mention cultural divides a few times. IMO it’s more important to try to text and call after a death then to send a food gift. But in general it is best not to compare family members in a time like this.

And use your words! If you want people to attend a funeral, say so. Don’t say you don’t expect it and then hold it against them later.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it really depends on your relationship and expectations. As an general matter, I dint think she’s done anything wrong here. This is the same level of support I would expect from my SIL (if not less). But it really depends on how close yall are.

Agree you should consider whether you’re misdirecting your anger.

[Anonymous]

She tried to connect with you, and followed up. When she checks in with a text, that is your opportunity to tell her you are struggling, and need more support. If she steps up, that would be great. If she doesn’t, you can then decide where to go from there.

I don’t understand why she’s “the bad one” for actually trying to make contact, and your other SIL is “the good one” with no contact, no prior close relationship, and simply a fruit basket.