SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Yea OP you have GOT to get over this. Some people are awkward about stuff like this. She did the best she could. Cut her a friggin break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my father earlier this year. I’m very sorry.

I will say from acute experience - until you’ve lost a parent, it’s really very easy to just give a pro forma response. (Even after that it’s easy to do). I was guilty of it myself.

I have a lot of close friends who didn’t do anything beyond a text or something. The friends who continued to check in, or send something, had lost a parent themselves.

If your SIL hasn’t lost a parent, don’t expect much of her and don’t hold it against her once your grief gets more manageable. No need to do anything now though.

Now, if she did lose a parent and you went above and beyond, make note, move on and don’t go out of your way in the future (I have one friend who was like that, her lack of any meaningful check in didn’t surprise me, though because it was very on brand.

+1

This is very similar to my experience. Often those who have lost a parent get it and those who haven't don't. The people who cared for me best when I was grieving were not those I was closest to - it was the ones who had experienced it too. I don't care if it's "the natural order" or "not a child or spouse" like another posted mentioned. In the time of grief making these kinds of comparisons isn't helpful. For a few months after my mom died I was still crying multiple times a day, grief journaling, going through pictures and also spending a lot of time supporting my dad and helping him adjust. From the outside it may have just looked like I was moving on and fine and there wasn't anything to be done to help, but internally it was still a lot to work through. I'm not sure many people on our culture understand that until they have personally lost someone. Has your SIL lost a parent?

Also, people love to hate on people like me whose love language is gifts/acts of service. Picking out a card and taking the time to mail it means 10x more to me than a text. I love physical representations of care. I love to go back and look at them later on. A text just isn't the same for me. I recognize that others feel very differently, and there are plenty of people in my life that I don't bother with cards and gifts because I know they just don't care and would rather have me text often to check in. That's great for them. But hopefully those closest to me know how I like to be shown care and will make a bit of an effort during hard times. Showing up at the service and being present do mean a lot. Did you communicate to SIL the service details directly? Did she respond?

[Anonymous]

She’ll understand how much she dropped the ball when she loses a parent. Other than that, nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, she never asked me whether to come. She texted “sorry to hear about your dad” and called with a message that was the same. I called her back later that day, she didn’t answer, and we have had minimal texts since.

Was she close to your father? How often did she see him?

My father just died and this would not be an issue for me at all. The people who are coming to his service are close to him, not me. It's not my memorial service after all.

I would not write off an otherwise good relationship over something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

[Anonymous]

This kind of score keeping is really just BS, in my view, and I wouldn't want to be close to you after this (if I was SIL). If it was important to you that she be there you should have communicated that to her. People are not mind readers and it is not the norm for many of us to show up to every funeral.

She texted you and tried to speak to you and left a nice message. That would be enough for me.

[Anonymous]

You are either overreacting or misdirecting your grief. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't even tell you who was at the last family funeral I attended, because I was really sad and out of it. I feel like there's something beyond "gifts/acts of service" going on here - OP expected something specifically out of this exact person and not other people (like girlfriends she told not to come), and she's really excited to get to hate SIL for failing to pass this unspoken test. Is she younger, richer, prettier? Or is she not being a "woman" in the right way for OP's taste, not handling all the emotional effort of the extended family, taking too many fun trips with girlfriends, doesn't have kids yet so she "doesn't get it"?

The level of dedicated upset doesn't read as simply as just "I wish you would have made the trip" to me. This is some personal baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

Maybe be grateful for what each was able to offer rather than use it as a tool to destroy a relationship?

I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral

If you believe the above, why is this a reason to cut off an aunt of your kids who keeps in touch with them and who has reached out to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

She did call. OP didn't pick up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I think calling someone to let them know I was thinking about them, and following up with texts when she didn't pick up, is actually much, much better than grabbing a Hallmark card from CVS the next time I need toothpaste. And if the person I reached out to responded by avoiding me and distancing herself, I would assume she wanted privacy for her grief, not that she was doing some kind of online tit for tat about how terrible I was for not sending a gift basket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.