SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are being silly, your feelings are very valid and I would feel the same way if someone I was close with did this. I think you should tell her you were hurt by her (non) response to your loss. She may not even realize it. Death is hard for people. They don't know what to do or say, and it can be awkward. People avoid it because it's very uncomfortable for them. It doesen't make it ok, but this may be why.

Agree. Totally. I also think that a lot of folks don't get the death of a parent/sibling till they experience it themselves. Sadly it is just that way for some people.

DH is a great guy, but our two biggest fights were about the death of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think an in-law on the other side of the family, who lives far away would usually go to the funeral. It sounds like she wants to be supportive because she’s reached out to you.

Old grievances often emerge at times of loss and grief. There's a reason OP is singling out her SIL for not doing enough given all the time and money SIL is fortunate to have. OP's envy will end up ruining her relationship with her brother if she keeps this up.

Actually, I think it is DH's sister who is the SIL. She also makes an effort to be in touch with OP's kids regularly.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being silly and I say this as someone who lost a parent.
She called you. You didn't respond which probably to her meant you didn't want to talk.

She's been checking in and you blow her off.
I suggest you call her and apologize for blowing her off and say that grief has hit you hard. This is true I also think you are honing in on this as a distraction from your mom.
Tell her you were disappointed she wasn't able to come to the funeral but would like to get back to a good space again. Maybe plan a get together.
I suggest you do this.
Or you can hold a grudge until her death and regret it

[Anonymous]

I would not expect my DH's siblings to attend my parents' funerals, even though over the years my parents' have been guests in their homes, had thanksgiving with them, etc. I also wouldn't expect them to send a gift or a card. But I know my DH's siblings care for me.

OP, gently, just let it go. You're grieving. I'm sure your DH's sister cares for you and did not mean to hurt you. I don't think her actions are any indication of a lack of care for you.

In the old days, the rules were clear; you either attended the funeral or wrote a kind note or sent a casserole/flowers/donation, or all of those things. These days, with social media and electronic communication, people just don't know what the new standards are. But that doesn't mean they don't care or don't love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses. I do wonder if I’m overreacting or misdirecting feelings, so it’s helpful to read that and think more about my reaction. That said, I also feel like you just show up when someone dies — I told all of my friends not to go through hassle to come to funeral (it was on a weekday, all have kids including toddlers, etc) and they all just came. Some came from far afield. Others who were far and couldn’t come sent a card or a food gift card or flowers. Even a card just meant so much. She didn’t do any of that, which really made me second guess how much I want to bother investing.

I understand why your feelings are hurt. But honestly, some people are raised to buck up and step up in these situations and others are not. And sometimes it just depends on the person. I know families where one sibling will always show up and the other just doesn’t handle uncomfortable situations so they will not.

Your SIL may think she had done enough, that may be her context. I would just be honest with her, since you were close ish. There is no value in turning this into a multi decade situation. Talk with her, as someone who cares to continue the relationship, not as an attack or fight. See how that goes and go from there.

Also, did you really need her support or did you just want her to do xyz to show she cared? It’s ok to feel as you do in either case but I do think it’s relevant.

[Anonymous]

Focus energy elsewhere and not on SIL. Poster that says not everyone has experienced loss is right and so is poster that says people handle death differently. Easy example of this is some families do the serious, somber funerals and some do New Orleans parades- one is not right and the other wrong, it’s what is right for the family. Same for what people do when relative or friend dies of someone you know. If YOU need something or wanted something, you need to say something, because may not be what other person has as their go-to response. Or if what you want is opening to cut SIL off, grab hold and do that.