SIL and dad’s funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

Same poster. These friends did check in on me when I would see them in person and it was welcome. I don't need cards or flowers.

[Anonymous]

OP, in all kindness, I suggest you find an in person grief support group to process with. DC has the Wendt Center, options in the DMV come up in a Google search.

It seems like your DH and his sister are close and she makes an effort to be close to your kids and that their other aunt does not. I'd really think about why you are so eager and quick to blow up this rx, having TOLD others not to come. She DID reach out to you, multiple times. But 1-800 flowers and it would have been all good? Are rx that transactional to you?

I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't even go to my father's funeral because the government wouldn't let me into my country of birth during covid lockdowns. An in-laws' response was the least of my problems.

[Anonymous]

OP. I am very sorry about your father. This is a milestone no one wants to achieve and I was just there myself last year with my own father's very sudden and extremely traumatic death.

I've been with my DH for 25 years, he's one of 4 and I am so close to one of his sisters that she even married one of my best friends (to whom I introduced her). NONE of my inlaws came to my father's funeral, not my SILs, BILs or my DH's parents. All of them lived a plane ride away so it really would have been a big hassle for them. But I had helped my DH take care of his own mother when she had a terminal illness for years, and even given the eulogy at her funeral. I got 2 text messages that said "sorry about your dad" and that was it. No phone calls, no letters, no cards, no flowers, no nothing really.

It does kind of sting, but everyone deals with grief in different ways and we all view what is appropriate with grief in different ways. Your SIL will be in your life for a very long time. I would not allow one hiccup to ruin the relationship.

I am very sorry you are hurting. You are not alone. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I think calling someone to let them know I was thinking about them, and following up with texts when she didn't pick up, is actually much, much better than grabbing a Hallmark card from CVS the next time I need toothpaste. And if the person I reached out to responded by avoiding me and distancing herself, I would assume she wanted privacy for her grief, not that she was doing some kind of online tit for tat about how terrible I was for not sending a gift basket.

You'd be surprised how few people send cards these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

Flowers are outdated?? Huh??

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would not expect a SIL or friend who lives several hours away to attend my parent’s funeral. If they did- sure it would be appreciated- but it isn’t a fair expectation IMHO.

It sounds like she has reached out. Not everyone is good at knowing how to handle these situations but it sounds like she tried and is trying. I would let this go.

Hugs. I lost a parent recently as well. It is hard, but you need the support system you have- even if she did not handle the situation perfectly, SIL obviously cares about you.

[Anonymous]

SIL could try a little harder. It’s OP’s dad. That’s a significant loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

Several texts, called, and has asked how she’s doing. She also probably asked her brother if anything was needed before sending something out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

I am the PP whose father died recently.

One person sent flowers and other than that I did not receive any cards or flowers. I didn't think twice about it. And these are lifelong, wonderful, close friends. I don't know how old you are but that's really just pretty outdated.

Flowers are outdated?? Huh??

Sending flowers when someone dies is outdated. In my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

Don't be a jerk would be better directed at OP. She's looking for someone to vomit her emotions on and her poor SIL is in the splash zone.

So you think a condolence text is enough for someone you are close to. Close lifelong friend’s dad dies and you text “sorry to hear about your dad!” And just don’t mention it anymore or send a card or flowers or something? Or ask how they’re holding up in a week or two? Because those are all things most people know to do.

Several texts, called, and has asked how she’s doing. She also probably asked her brother if anything was needed before sending something out of the blue?

Maybe o misunderstood but I thought op got one “condolence text” and otherwise her sister in law has not mentioned or made other “you just lost your dad” outreach beyond the contact they would usually be in. She called once but it sounds like calls are not unusual. She has texted but that also sounds like usual level of contact. Since they are close I think that seems kind of lame (not like she should burn her relationship down, but like something I’d take note of privately.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When she opens the door by asking how you are, tell her you are grieving and it is heavy, and you need support from family and friends. Hopefully she will then step up by asking how she can help, and hopefully you can be ready with some concrete ways you want help, like "I'd love for you to come visit," or "It's hard to get dinner on the table and I'd love a restaurant gift card" or "I'd love for you to call me a little more."

I would never say you are being "silly," but please recognize that you are deep in grief right now. Try not to take any actions that can't be undone when you are feeling a bit stronger.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Don't say the bolded part. You have the money to buy your on restaurant gift card. This is so tacky.

When someone says they need help, and are then asked what kind of help they need, this isn’t just appropriate, it is an honor. I have a co-worker whose husband died a few months ago, very unexpectedly. I check in with her consistently. I was offering to bring food, and she got really honest and told me, “My kids are so picky, honestly, Chick-fil-A or Uber Eats is what would really help me.” I was honored that she felt close enough to tell me that. I’m so glad she didn’t grin and bear another lasagna, she told me what would be helpful to her.

There’s nothing tacky about needing help, and—when asked!—being honest about what that looks like for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. SIL is my husband’s sister. My brother of course came to the funeral, as did his fiancée, fiancée’s sister and husband, and fiancée’s parents (4 hour flight away).

Wow you are overreacting. I wouldn’t expect my husbands sister to go to my fathers funeral. Especially if it involved travel, or if they are still being careful about COVID.

[Anonymous]

16:56 again. OP, I read your response that SIL certainly did have a relationship with your dad. Spent at least a holiday or vacation yearly with your family, and worked remotely from your home. I’ve changed my mind. You have every reason to feel hurt. She didn’t step up. Other posters didn’t notice that you did call her the same day she sent a sympathy text and she didn’t take the call. Personally, I wouldn’t confront her because it’s not my style. Although, I’m wondering why your DH didn’t. You mentioned earlier that he knows your upset about it.

Posters are responding in the least empathetic way. Why are you people piling on a grieving OP? Go away. There’s a gaggle of you in every thread, and I believe it’s the same group of sh!threads who’ve been collectively trolling these forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Sounds like you don't hear them, actually.

Here's a counterpoint: she actually did do enough, didn't just think she did. She reached out, she tried to get a feel for what you wanted from her and your response was "nothing at all." Doing more or pushing herself on you at that point would be rude, not kind. You want her to read your mind: she's reading your cold shoulder. You're not the good guy in this scenario, but maybe "cutting her off" would be doing her a favor.

Don’t be a jerk-a couple of genetic texts with someone you are close up is not enough to not be considered cold. And everyone knows it’s nice to send food or something for someone who is very close! Everyone!

That's right. Everyone feels better when they've received 16 lasagnas and 7 Nothing But Bundts. It's the only way to show you care. Please remember to return the casserole dish!