I tattled on my BIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

Exactly this.

Your points and concerns are totally valid. But adults talk to other adults, directly. Parents who have concerns about their kid talk to the other parent involved, directly. What you did was gossipy, unproductive, and just plain rude. You shot yourself in the foot, too. You were in the right, but because you mishandled the situation by gossiping instead of addressing an issue directly, now YOU look like the unreasonable, rude one.

Your response to his mother should have been: “I’ll have to talk to Ted about that and discuss some details, but that’s something they would probably really enjoy.”

There is nothing Ted could say that would make me comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

Yes. If you’re concerned about safety at a water park then you do not let your kids go.

Yup this. Or if you’re so concerned you go as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids, a teen and a tween. My BIL and SIL have several kids ranging from a tween who is my kid’s bff to a young toddler. My BIL is a nice guy, and a good father. But he has this super annoying habit of dumping his kids on people. When he does it to me it’s annoying, but I can decide in advance what I will do and set my boundaries and it turns out OK, but he also does it to my teenager which bothers me more.

His mother is visiting, and she has been bringing the kids to meet mine at the pool. It has been really nice as she stays and watches the kids and brings food (something else he doesn’t do).

Both tweens have birthdays coming up and his Mom has proposed taking some or all the kids to a water park for a couple days. I am concerned that my oldest will find himself in the water park with too many kids to safely manage. She asked me why I was worried and I explained that it would fit with the pattern.

We saw their whole family this weekend and it was awkward. I could tell she’d told him. I am not sure if I should have just declined the invite and made an excuse or what.

What do people think?

Well it sounds like you vented to the wrong person. It was HIS mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

Exactly this.

Your points and concerns are totally valid. But adults talk to other adults, directly. Parents who have concerns about their kid talk to the other parent involved, directly. What you did was gossipy, unproductive, and just plain rude. You shot yourself in the foot, too. You were in the right, but because you mishandled the situation by gossiping instead of addressing an issue directly, now YOU look like the unreasonable, rude one.

Your response to his mother should have been: “I’ll have to talk to Ted about that and discuss some details, but that’s something they would probably really enjoy.”

There is nothing Ted could say that would make me comfortable.

OK? Then don’t let your kids go. Or go yourself. By your own admission, there was nothing to be gained from talking to or about the person you have the complaint with. So why did you? What, you would have been satisfied by Ted’s Mommy talking to Ted, and apparently getting promises from him that the kids would all be looked after? By your own admission above, there is nothing Ted could say that would make you feel comfortable—why would Ted’s Mommy having this conversation with him instead of you be any different?

What did you hope to gain by “tattling”? You just look like a brat. Nothing gained, sorry. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Good, it's good he knows. Busted.

[Anonymous]

Is BIL a single dad? Where is the other parent to help watch kids at a water park?

[Anonymous]

I think you did nothing wrong

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what you were trying to achieve either. Did you think his mom wouldn’t tell him what you said? Do you think it’s going to make her want to continue to come to the pool, which has been nice for all of you? It just makes things weird for no benefit to anyone, next time, just decline the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

I have addressed it with him multiple times. I don’t allow my kids to be alone with his him and his kids around water because of it, so simply telling him and letting them go is a problem.

The next step is to delegate to your DH to have a convoluted since presumably in this scenario BIL or his wife is your DHs sibling. If the behavior still doesn’t change, then stay away or leave situations where he is dumping the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

Exactly this.

Your points and concerns are totally valid. But adults talk to other adults, directly. Parents who have concerns about their kid talk to the other parent involved, directly. What you did was gossipy, unproductive, and just plain rude. You shot yourself in the foot, too. You were in the right, but because you mishandled the situation by gossiping instead of addressing an issue directly, now YOU look like the unreasonable, rude one.

Your response to his mother should have been: “I’ll have to talk to Ted about that and discuss some details, but that’s something they would probably really enjoy.”

There is nothing Ted could say that would make me comfortable.

OK? Then don’t let your kids go. Or go yourself. By your own admission, there was nothing to be gained from talking to or about the person you have the complaint with. So why did you? What, you would have been satisfied by Ted’s Mommy talking to Ted, and apparently getting promises from him that the kids would all be looked after? By your own admission above, there is nothing Ted could say that would make you feel comfortable—why would Ted’s Mommy having this conversation with him instead of you be any different?

What did you hope to gain by “tattling”? You just look like a brat. Nothing gained, sorry. Yikes.

What happened is that she invited the kids, and I said maybe it would depend on who else was going, because I didn’t want my teen alone in the water park with the three younger kids, so if they or some of them was coming I would need assurance that she would be there and she said that he was coming and “one of them” would be there, and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that. I was hoping that she’d say “Oh, I was just planning on taking the oldest since it’s special for his birthday.” Or “the baby is staying back, I plan to be watching the middle two the whole time, so the older kids can go off and have fun.” I would be comfortable with either of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

I have addressed it with him multiple times. I don’t allow my kids to be alone with his him and his kids around water because of it, so simply telling him and letting them go is a problem.

The next step is to delegate to your DH to have a convoluted since presumably in this scenario BIL or his wife is your DHs sibling. If the behavior still doesn’t change, then stay away or leave situations where he is dumping the kids.

I am a widow so this falls to me. Yes, this is his sister’s husband. She dumps the kids too, but she isn’t going on this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

I have addressed it with him multiple times. I don’t allow my kids to be alone with his him and his kids around water because of it, so simply telling him and letting them go is a problem.

The next step is to delegate to your DH to have a convoluted since presumably in this scenario BIL or his wife is your DHs sibling. If the behavior still doesn’t change, then stay away or leave situations where he is dumping the kids.

I am a widow so this falls to me. Yes, this is his sister’s husband. She dumps the kids too, but she isn’t going on this trip.

Then decline invitations. Problem solved. Use your words like a big girl, and use your words directly to the only two people who are displaying the behavior you don’t like: BIL and his wife. Leave Good Grandma out of it. She has done nothing wrong, so she doesn’t need to hear your complaints.

[Anonymous]

No point in dancing around the truth. Op told the truth and it needed to be said. Mil can take it however and could have said nothing to bil. Bil could very well just say well larla is just paranoid about kids they are all fine.

It’s not up to op to set up a mediate a complex buffer dynamic in her in laws’ family. She doesn’t trust bil to take her kids to the water park, that’s it. Mil suggested it, she said no and explained why. The other peoples’ reactions are not on her. All these other complex scenarios suggested are going to create more trouble and work for op and are not her problem or responsibilities. And frankly if this were a man no one would expect him to do all this extra in-laws work.

[Anonymous]

So just say no to the Great Wolf Lodge and propose something else without sabotaging this relationship. Do you want to alienate this family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

Exactly this.

Your points and concerns are totally valid. But adults talk to other adults, directly. Parents who have concerns about their kid talk to the other parent involved, directly. What you did was gossipy, unproductive, and just plain rude. You shot yourself in the foot, too. You were in the right, but because you mishandled the situation by gossiping instead of addressing an issue directly, now YOU look like the unreasonable, rude one.

Your response to his mother should have been: “I’ll have to talk to Ted about that and discuss some details, but that’s something they would probably really enjoy.”

There is nothing Ted could say that would make me comfortable.

OK? Then don’t let your kids go. Or go yourself. By your own admission, there was nothing to be gained from talking to or about the person you have the complaint with. So why did you? What, you would have been satisfied by Ted’s Mommy talking to Ted, and apparently getting promises from him that the kids would all be looked after? By your own admission above, there is nothing Ted could say that would make you feel comfortable—why would Ted’s Mommy having this conversation with him instead of you be any different?

What did you hope to gain by “tattling”? You just look like a brat. Nothing gained, sorry. Yikes.

What happened is that she invited the kids, and I said maybe it would depend on who else was going, because I didn’t want my teen alone in the water park with the three younger kids, so if they or some of them was coming I would need assurance that she would be there and she said that he was coming and “one of them” would be there, and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that. I was hoping that she’d say “Oh, I was just planning on taking the oldest since it’s special for his birthday.” Or “the baby is staying back, I plan to be watching the middle two the whole time, so the older kids can go off and have fun.” I would be comfortable with either of those.

Her: “We should go to the water park.”
You: “Will you be there?”
Her: “No, but Ted can take his kids.”
You: “I don’t think that would work for us. But we look forward to seeing you all at the Fourth of July BBQ!”

End scene. There is no excuse for you laying your complaints at the feel of a nice woman who is not responsible for her adult son’s behavior, or her adult DIL’s behavior.