I tattled on my BIL

[Anonymous]

So many people here can't seem to read with comprehension.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you did anything wrong. It is what it is. He will get over it, or he won't. Either way he probably won't try to fob off his kids on your teen again, so I'd call it a win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

But tact is not working! Continuing to capitulate is prioritizing BIL over her child.

Calm down. OP isn't nearly as worked up over this and is calling it an annoyance. Why a 15 yr old wants to continue hanging out with this group is the real issue here. What 15 yr old wants to go to a water park with all these much younger cousins and no same aged friend? My teen would certainly rather stay home. If the teen doesn't even go, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't do anything wrong. If I understand the relationships correctly, this is a woman who's not even related to you/your kids (the "grandma" in this scenario is your late husband's sister's husband's mother?) offering to take your 2 kids along with her own grandkids (your SIL/BIL's 3 kids) to a waterpark. You asked who would be supervising and she said she would along with her son, your BIL/dad of 3 of the kids involved. You are worried that when it comes down to it, BIL will bail and that will leave his mom as 1 adult with 5 kids. Even though your kids are teen/tween and presumably don't need as much supervision at the waterpark, you are concerned that they will wind up having to look after the younger kids? I wouldn't want my teen/tween to be responsible for younger kids at a waterpark either. I guess what I'm confused about, though, is why your teen/tween would be left in charge of the younger kids if the younger kids' grandma is there and it seems like you trust her?

Why can't the grandma stay with the 2 youngest kids and let the teen and tweens go off on their own and just come back to check in periodically? If that won't work, obviously the easiest answer is to say they can't come and thank grandma for the invite. You didn't really need to say why, in my opinion, but I also don't think you did anything wrong in telling grandma your reasoning. So what if your BIL is miffed. He's the one who's in the wrong here.

OP here,

If I was going to the waterpark with this group, and two adults I'd probably have one take the toddler, and the other one take the two middle kids, and send the oldest 3 off with instructions to stay together and check in every so often.

My concern is that Grandma will do a great job by whoever she has, but that whoever BIL is supposed to watch will end up with my kid. Or that Grandma will decide to take a break for an hour, and during that hour BIL will dump all three of the kids.

So, basically, I'm OK with the trip if Grandma says "I'll make sure that if he needs to step away, the 3 little kids are with me." But I don't know how to ask that without explaining why I think he might do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PSA: Women, mom's can't fix their adult children. They did the best they could, they end up imperfect. Stop blaming them. Everybody is imperfect.

I didn't blame her or ask her to fix him. She could tell I was hesitant, and I told her why I was concerned. I don't think she can fix him, but she could fix the situation by just taking the older 3 kids, or by promising to be the one who stays in the water park if someone takes the toddler back for a nap etc . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We need to get rid of this "tattling" concept, it's preventing people from speaking up in situations where it's necessary to speak up.

You did not "tattle", OP. You revealed a problem that had long been an issue. It was past time. You could also have spoken to your idiot BIL directly, a long time ago.

I can't relate to people who just sweep exploitation under the rug - particularly exploitation by males.

It’s not exploitation. Sounds like he just has different standards for supervision than OP (or I) would have. That said, I know parents who are terrible drivers and I don’t allow my kids to ride with them, but I certainly don’t provide my assessment as an explanation. It wouldn’t change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

But tact is not working! Continuing to capitulate is prioritizing BIL over her child.

Calm down. OP isn't nearly as worked up over this and is calling it an annoyance. Why a 15 yr old wants to continue hanging out with this group is the real issue here. What 15 yr old wants to go to a water park with all these much younger cousins and no same aged friend? My teen would certainly rather stay home. If the teen doesn't even go, problem solved.

My teen would want to go.

-- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

But tact is not working! Continuing to capitulate is prioritizing BIL over her child.

Calm down. OP isn't nearly as worked up over this and is calling it an annoyance. Why a 15 yr old wants to continue hanging out with this group is the real issue here. What 15 yr old wants to go to a water park with all these much younger cousins and no same aged friend? My teen would certainly rather stay home. If the teen doesn't even go, problem solved.

My teen would want to go.

-- OP

On a trip where they might get stuck watching cousins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We need to get rid of this "tattling" concept, it's preventing people from speaking up in situations where it's necessary to speak up.

You did not "tattle", OP. You revealed a problem that had long been an issue. It was past time. You could also have spoken to your idiot BIL directly, a long time ago.

I can't relate to people who just sweep exploitation under the rug - particularly exploitation by males.

It’s not exploitation. Sounds like he just has different standards for supervision than OP (or I) would have. That said, I know parents who are terrible drivers and I don’t allow my kids to ride with them, but I certainly don’t provide my assessment as an explanation. It wouldn’t change their behavior.

No, he isn't thinking "They don't need supervision here." He's thinking other people will take over supervision. He's done it to both me and my son with the 1 year old at the beach and the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have kept your mouth shut unless it was directly to your BIL.

And just not let my kids go?

No, if you felt strongly about your brother-in-law, then you should have addressed the issue with him personally and not with his mommy. It was really immature and backstabbing of you.

I have addressed it with him multiple times. I don’t allow my kids to be alone with his him and his kids around water because of it, so simply telling him and letting them go is a problem.

Your response seems reasonable. I wouldn't worry about it. This is his problem.

[Anonymous]

IMO you don’t owe people courtesy and tact if they treat you with disrespect. She asked, you answered. That’s that.

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned that you have a teen and a tween who don't swim well enough that you can feel comfortable with them at a water park. This is a safety issue. Teach your kids to swim!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned that you have a teen and a tween who don't swim well enough that you can feel comfortable with them at a water park. This is a safety issue. Teach your kids to swim!

?

— OP

[Anonymous]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but you're clearly smug and the post is a bit strange. You don't even know if things are really weird or that she said anything to him. It seems like you just want to have it out (which is fine), but then be straight forward rather than tattling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

But tact is not working! Continuing to capitulate is prioritizing BIL over her child.

Calm down. OP isn't nearly as worked up over this and is calling it an annoyance. Why a 15 yr old wants to continue hanging out with this group is the real issue here. What 15 yr old wants to go to a water park with all these much younger cousins and no same aged friend? My teen would certainly rather stay home. If the teen doesn't even go, problem solved.

My teen would want to go.

-- OP

So maybe put your teen in charge of the younger kids if everyone's worried about them? Since they want to go and all.