I tattled on my BIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a tween and teen, how exactly are you expecting them to be supervised at a water park? Or are you just concerned you teen son will be made to supervise his toddler cousin? At a place like GWL, we have our tweens check in with us every 45 minutes or so, but we are not doing every slide with them. I’m a little confused about what the safety issue is for your kids, since yours are a tween and teen.

It’s not GWL it’s a bigger park. I worry that my 15 will be left alone in the park with 5 kids 12 and under including a 1 year old, a situation that I consider pretty stressful.

I wouldn't be happy about this either. However, I would probably say MIL and BIL, I'm not comfortable with my kid supervising the smaller kids. Let's plan something different or we can meet up at XXXX.

Be honest and set the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a tween and teen, how exactly are you expecting them to be supervised at a water park? Or are you just concerned you teen son will be made to supervise his toddler cousin? At a place like GWL, we have our tweens check in with us every 45 minutes or so, but we are not doing every slide with them. I’m a little confused about what the safety issue is for your kids, since yours are a tween and teen.

It’s not GWL it’s a bigger park. I worry that my 15 will be left alone in the park with 5 kids 12 and under including a 1 year old, a situation that I consider pretty stressful.

So tell grandma no? It sounds like too much for her to take 5 kids on her own or with just another adult. And if she's there why is the 15 year old alone? Wouldn't he just go off and do his own thing? I would assume the teen and tweens would run around together nobody is following around big kids at a water park. Only a 1 year old needs to be watched constantly.

So, you'd let a 2 year old run around a place like Water Country USA? To say that only 1 year olds need to be watched at water parks is a little bizarre.

In this situation the 1 year old. Sheesh. The 12 and 15 year olds are fine. OP never said how old the other kid was. So temper your rage weirdo.

BIL has 2 kids between the 1 and 12 year old who are young enough to need eyes on supervision at the water park. No, I haven't said their ages, because I feel like listing the ages is just one more identifying thing.

Why do you think grandma is incapable of watching these 2 kids at the waterpark? The older kids will be self sufficient and doing totally different activities most of the day.

It’s 3 kids if the BIL bails as he has apparently done before. Or more likely he tells op’s kids to watch his kids for him which he has also done. Why does bil need to be protected from the consequences/truth of his own behavior from his mommy? All this ‘dipomacy’ is just enabling his behavior, (and no one does this for bad moms btw.) Op doesn’t want to put her kids in that situation with him and she told mil why.

You don't have to be brutally honest especially if you want to continue the relationship. Is burning this bridge worth it given the closeness of the cousins? OP is not responsible for him or his kids there is no "enabling" here. She simply says no to the trip. None of this puts OP or her kids in an unsafe situation. If you can't deal with the fall out of your frank talk, then you do need diplomacy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

[Anonymous]

Op, I don’t think you tattled or did anything wrong. I don’t understand all the negative responses you are getting.

I think you brought up legitimate safety concerns in a thoughtful way. I’m not sure how you worded it, but there is certainly a way to say that you aren’t comfortable with the plans as they currently stand but that if it were just the older kids, you would be comfortable (and excited) for that to be the birthday plans.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tattle on my BIL.

“I’m concerned about having enough adults to supervise the little ones. Will this just be the older kids?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how you did anything wrong here.

[Anonymous]

You didn't do anything wrong. If I understand the relationships correctly, this is a woman who's not even related to you/your kids (the "grandma" in this scenario is your late husband's sister's husband's mother?) offering to take your 2 kids along with her own grandkids (your SIL/BIL's 3 kids) to a waterpark. You asked who would be supervising and she said she would along with her son, your BIL/dad of 3 of the kids involved. You are worried that when it comes down to it, BIL will bail and that will leave his mom as 1 adult with 5 kids. Even though your kids are teen/tween and presumably don't need as much supervision at the waterpark, you are concerned that they will wind up having to look after the younger kids? I wouldn't want my teen/tween to be responsible for younger kids at a waterpark either. I guess what I'm confused about, though, is why your teen/tween would be left in charge of the younger kids if the younger kids' grandma is there and it seems like you trust her?

Why can't the grandma stay with the 2 youngest kids and let the teen and tweens go off on their own and just come back to check in periodically? If that won't work, obviously the easiest answer is to say they can't come and thank grandma for the invite. You didn't really need to say why, in my opinion, but I also don't think you did anything wrong in telling grandma your reasoning. So what if your BIL is miffed. He's the one who's in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don’t think you tattled or did anything wrong. I don’t understand all the negative responses you are getting.

I think you brought up legitimate safety concerns in a thoughtful way. I’m not sure how you worded it, but there is certainly a way to say that you aren’t comfortable with the plans as they currently stand but that if it were just the older kids, you would be comfortable (and excited) for that to be the birthday plans.

She pointed out the “pattern” so there was more to the conversation.

[Anonymous]

PSA: Women, mom's can't fix their adult children. They did the best they could, they end up imperfect. Stop blaming them. Everybody is imperfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PSA: Women, mom's can't fix their adult children. They did the best they could, they end up imperfect. Stop blaming them. Everybody is imperfect.

Psa: women: if you allow men to get away with pawning off their parenting duties on everyone else and don’t call it out then you are a part of the problem. Also if you raise sons that think this ok it’s because you failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA: Women, mom's can't fix their adult children. They did the best they could, they end up imperfect. Stop blaming them. Everybody is imperfect.

Psa: women: if you allow men to get away with pawning off their parenting duties on everyone else and don’t call it out then you are a part of the problem. Also if you raise sons that think this ok it’s because you failed.

You should re-read OPs first paragraph. This disaster and failure language you're using seems really out of step with how OP frames her situation. It's not really that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think what you did was ‘tattling’ and who cares if it irks BIL?? Maybe his MIL will guilt him into actually watching his own children! Your job is to protect your kids, and it sounds like you have told BIL to his face repeatedly NOT to dump his kids on your teen, and he doesn’t listen! So I think it’s a good thing you explained why you said no to MIL.

When MIL heard your concerns, did she agree to only bring the older kids? If she already invited the whole family, then you just say no, or you go along and help supervise and/or hold the line with BIL and the kid dumping. Maybe MIL can plan another birthday outing for the tweens, or maybe not, but standing up for your oldest is more important. I am stressed enough looking after my own three kids at a huge water park, I can’t imagine doing it as a teenager with cousins who may or may not listen to him and stay together etc. Not only would it be stressful in the moment, if something were to happen on his watch, he would live with the guilt the rest of his life.

Op cares if it irks the BIL becomes now things are awkward. The cost of being right can be too steep if you ruin relationships.

Awkward for BIL, who is now found out to be a NEGLECTFUL PARENT who fobs off a one-year old on a teen, you mean? No wonder MIL and he had words. As a Grandmother, I don't think MIL is too pleased with her useless son.

It is on the teen's parent to protect them from being exploited. And the best way to stop this is to speak out: "BIL, you always drop off the kids with Larlo and expect him to watch your one-year old baby and the others. In what universe do you think this is safe for your kids? Larlo isn't a professional nanny, and it stresses him out. He's not going to have good memories of your family dropping by if he's always supposed to watch his cousins, and he certainly won't remember YOU fondly. Stop using him. If you want him to babysit occasionally, you should request his services and pay him the going rate."

OP chose to tell MIL, which is fine too, and not a moment too soon.

Can't believe you people walking on eggshells around this loser user.

Ok but there goes the best friend, cousins, and perhaps ties to their deceased fathers family bc of something that isn’t even OPs problem. Most people don’t go through life burning every bridge when you could be more tactful.

But tact is not working! Continuing to capitulate is prioritizing BIL over her child.