DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is abusing your kids, and this is affecting both them and you.

I was a kid who got hit, yelled at, and emotionally neglected by my mother, the primary caretaker. Got to watch it happen to my siblings as well. The result is depression, anxiety, and PTSD. If you grow up in fear, you spend a lot of time ensuring your own safety. I tried to become invisible to everyone.

Ask your husband if he's aware of his behavior and if he's willing to work on it with a professional. If he isn't willing or able, get yourself and your kids out of that situation.

[Anonymous]

This is all child abuse and you need to reframe your thinking about it accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

he didn't scream it. he growled it from bed b/c it was early morning.

i feel like each incident is in itself not that significant. and that contributes to why i have not "required" some intervention before now.

You are in denial about the cumulative effect of all of this. They are not isolated instances, they are HOW HE PARENTS. And it's via child abuse. Get your head out of the sand, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a whole list (literally a list in my phone) of incidents of DH exploding at kids. It's not physical, but his words are harsh ("shut your mouth!") he makes threats ("i'll drag you down the street!" or "If you dont stop whining I'll throw you in the pool" (DD doesn't swim)) and last night he threw DS's (small, paperback) book b/c DS was stalling not reading. (DS is dyslexic and has ADHD and ironically we talk frequently about how important it is to build DS's frustration tolerance. How can we do that with this kind of behavior from his dad?)

In addition to worrying about my kids, I hate being in a household with this kind of yelling, snarling voice, and behavior. DH apologizes to kids after some of these moments (he apologized for book throwing last night) but I still think the cycle of outburst and apology is terrible. You can't just behave however you want with your kids as long as you apologize afterward.

I want to ask (beg? require?) DH to do something to address his outbursts. but what? he has tried and ditched his own therapy twice. We have a marriage counselor and have talked about this with her. what other tools or resources are out there? something that is realistic for a (stubborn) man to do? what kind of skill building? yoga? meditation? watch a documentary that would scare him straight? Looking for feasible, concrete ideas to ask DH to take on to address this. Anyone been there? tried something that helped you self-regulate in front of kids?

Well, I would say we all as parents are not perfect and I've definitely yelled and grabbed something out of my child's hands in a frustrated manner. When I was a kid, my mom got so angry that she hit me with a tennis racket out of anger. Should all of this stuff happen? No, but it's sort of a realization and decision your DH has to make to change. I'm not really sure what the change will be. I scared myself silly once when reacting out of anger towards one of my kids. It made me for the first time realize that 1. I'm am actually human and not as perfect as I thought and 2. I needed to control my anger/temper at all costs because I realized what could potentially happen in a moment of rage. I now do everything in my power before engaging in a mean, angry type of way with my kids. I don't know if this helped as I know it's not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband control his temper with his boss or co-workers? Would your husband have an outburst similar to what you have described if he was pulled over by the police for speeding? If the answer is NO, that means he can control his temper, but he is choosing not to with his family. Only you can decide what your tolerance is for his behavior.

PEP, the Parent Encouragement Program has a short course on Anger Management and this was the first point raised, in a role play, so there was no mistaking it.

https://pepparentonline.org/p/anger22

I took the class to help one of my kids who has anger issues but I learned a LOT. Highly recommend calling and seeing when it is offered again. You should go too, OP. It burst a lot of thought bubbles I had as the PP clearly stated. Anger is an emotion but how your DH is making a series of behavioral CHOICES. Your kids may go to the extremes in response, the one with more difficulty regulating may become more reactive, other kids may develop more of a co-dependent, trying to manage others' moods personality.

We can't control other people, OP. Figure out what your range of responses to him and to the kids may be. Divorce is not a panecea when one parent is like this. The kids could be alone with him 50% of the time. Some of the PEP educators are also private therapists, which can be helpful in adjunct to or as a follow up to the course.

If DH has underlying mood issues himself he should see a psychiatrist for evaluation. If he has a history of abuse or trauma, a psychologist. If he is unwilling to do those things, develop your own options.

[Anonymous]

^ how your DH is responding to it is a series of behavioral choices

Anger is often a surface emotion covering more vulnerable feelings.

If your DC has a diagnosis and issues regulating, your DH could likely benefit from an evaluation himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

he didn't scream it. he growled it from bed b/c it was early morning.

i feel like each incident is in itself not that significant. and that contributes to why i have not "required" some intervention before now.

1) He growled at your kid in the early morning that he would throw your child in the pool? This did not happen AT the pool? That context does not actually make your husband seem like a better regulated person than the PP who said he screamed.

2) Tell him "Each incident is in itself not that significant, which contributes to why I have not required some intervention before now, but there is now a well established pattern of angry, verbally abusive remarks to the children, and I cannot allow them to be treated this way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

he didn't scream it. he growled it from bed b/c it was early morning.

i feel like each incident is in itself not that significant. and that contributes to why i have not "required" some intervention before now.

1) He growled at your kid in the early morning that he would throw your child in the pool? This did not happen AT the pool? That context does not actually make your husband seem like a better regulated person than the PP who said he screamed.

2) Tell him "Each incident is in itself not that significant, which contributes to why I have not required some intervention before now, but there is now a well established pattern of angry, verbally abusive remarks to the children, and I cannot allow them to be treated this way."

This, OP. And as others have stated if you allow it to continue you are complicit. Your kids may not realize that now, but they will figure it out later.

These are the kinds of memories I have of my dad. When I was young I was scared of him and hated him. He mellowed out a lot when I was older but it was too late. I wasn't interested in being around someone who thought it was ok to scream in my face, even if it was only occasionally. I didn't wish him harm, but as an adult I rarely saw him and I wasn't sad when he died. I'm also somewhat distant from my mom and that increased after I had kids. Once I had my own children to care for I really could not believe she let this all go on. I honestly think she thought because she wasn't yelling too that made her a good parent.

[Anonymous]

It’s such a tough spot - people saying leave like we are in some perfect world where your leaving would give you full custody. But the reality is that even angry, nasty people get to be parents and he’d likely get 50% if he wanted it and then there is no buffer between him and the kids

For my dh I called the behavior what it is “abusive” which pissed him off but made a point, and then said he either got help for it and cut it out or I’d burn our lives down to protect our kids from it and not hide from a damn soul including his colleagues how he treated his kids. And I was serious and that finally out fear in him to get treatment

He made some progress but it wasn’t until he had a breakthrough about some of his own childhood trauma that caused a bubbling anger always beneath the surface for him that he really moved the needle. It was a parenting skills issue but also way bigger than that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

he didn't scream it. he growled it from bed b/c it was early morning.

i feel like each incident is in itself not that significant. and that contributes to why i have not "required" some intervention before now.

1) He growled at your kid in the early morning that he would throw your child in the pool? This did not happen AT the pool? That context does not actually make your husband seem like a better regulated person than the PP who said he screamed.

2) Tell him "Each incident is in itself not that significant, which contributes to why I have not required some intervention before now, but there is now a well established pattern of angry, verbally abusive remarks to the children, and I cannot allow them to be treated this way."

This, OP. And as others have stated if you allow it to continue you are complicit. Your kids may not realize that now, but they will figure it out later.

These are the kinds of memories I have of my dad. When I was young I was scared of him and hated him. He mellowed out a lot when I was older but it was too late. I wasn't interested in being around someone who thought it was ok to scream in my face, even if it was only occasionally. I didn't wish him harm, but as an adult I rarely saw him and I wasn't sad when he died. I'm also somewhat distant from my mom and that increased after I had kids. Once I had my own children to care for I really could not believe she let this all go on. I honestly think she thought because she wasn't yelling too that made her a good parent.

Highlighting this very important point.

[Anonymous]

OP here. a lot of this resonates and is both hard and helpful.

Yes, divorce is not a solution. DH would see the kids still and it would be without me.

I like the phrasing someone offered about "taken separately, these incidents are not big, but together they are a pattern of behavior."

One of the great surprises of my life is how hard i find it to ask for things in my marriage. Calling this out, calling it abusive, asking for intervention and change, this is all so hard. Past conversations about his parenting have gone very poorly. he is deeply offended and defensive. i back off.

I think he should stop drinking and go to AA. i think he might be amenable to this ask, since his own dad did it.

I am not yet ready or able to say that i would burn it all down if he doesn't change or get help.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I can't second the PPs more strongly. This was my dad. My mom was silent and complicit. It has greatly affected my life and my relationships. At 50, I'm still in therapy for complex PTSD. My father was never physically violent, but I carry the scars nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Eh, my dad was sorta like this (I think it’s a theme of the boomer and older generation) and I don’t have any lasting scars. I have a good relationship with my dad now. My mom diffused a lot of situations with humor so it was kind of “roll your eyes dads grumpy again.” it wasn’t until I was older I realized humor was a wonderful skill and gift she gave me as a child. I’m sure a therapist can help you find coping mechanisms with your kids even if your husband isn’t amenable to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. a lot of this resonates and is both hard and helpful.

Yes, divorce is not a solution. DH would see the kids still and it would be without me.

I like the phrasing someone offered about "taken separately, these incidents are not big, but together they are a pattern of behavior."

One of the great surprises of my life is how hard i find it to ask for things in my marriage. Calling this out, calling it abusive, asking for intervention and change, this is all so hard. Past conversations about his parenting have gone very poorly. he is deeply offended and defensive. i back off.

I think he should stop drinking and go to AA. i think he might be amenable to this ask, since his own dad did it.

I am not yet ready or able to say that i would burn it all down if he doesn't change or get help.

So you're saying that he is an actively drinking alcoholic. This is not an issue that is separable from his "terrible temper with the kids" and you are co-dependenting yourself into the ground by framing it that way.

I get that it's hard. I really do. If he is volatile enough, using the word "abusive" might result in you being the target. But you have to ask yourself why you are accepting this situation.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is highly genetic. Have him tested.