DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I understand the advice to divorce. And also I agree that he will get 50% custody. “Shut your mouth!” And throwing a book at the floor will not keep him from his kids. Even if it is a pattern, each behavior is poor parenting but it’s not illegal.

When I tell him I don’t like the threatening language, it’s not credible or constructive and it’s disturbing to me if not the kids. He rolls his eyes bc I’m making too big a deal of it and overreacting. I assume many others see it that way too.

How do you respond to that? Does he often dismiss what you say?

[Anonymous]

It is abuse. The words themselves are the abuse. You need to get yourself and your kids away from him. He is literally threatening to kill them. Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I understand the advice to divorce. And also I agree that he will get 50% custody. “Shut your mouth!” And throwing a book at the floor will not keep him from his kids. Even if it is a pattern, each behavior is poor parenting but it’s not illegal.

When I tell him I don’t like the threatening language, it’s not credible or constructive and it’s disturbing to me if not the kids. He rolls his eyes bc I’m making too big a deal of it and overreacting. I assume many others see it that way too.

Would he want 50% custody? Does he actually enjoy being around the kids?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes he would want 50% at least for the optics of it. He loves the kids fiercely. And they love him. He is a wonderful, playful, affectionate father a lot of the time. AND he has these bursts of language or behavior that I hate. He often apologizes and repairs with the kids, but the cycle of shit behavior followed by repair isn’t ok. Also sometimes the repair language is something like “you know I love you even though you drive me crazy.” Or “I shouldn’t have yelled but you made me so frustrated when you xyz.”

[Anonymous]

It really sounds like you see your choices as continuing to do what you are doing or miraculously convincing your husband to manage his anger without getting treatment for alcoholism or really having to acknowledge the problem.

Am I wrong? Do you see other alternatives here?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the people saying divorce either 1) know what divorce actually entails (like custody arrangements) or 2) understand the statistics of children who are products of divorce. Terrible, terrible, bottom of the barrel choice. People saying this is like physical abuse…uh, what?? A boy in Texas was found dead in a washing machine after having been reported to CPS something like a dozen times. This.Is.Not.The.Same certainly in the eyes of the law. Do what you can OP, you’re in a tough spot, but some of the advice you’re getting is bad.

[Anonymous]

This is emotional abuse. Hard stop. Get your kids out before he does more damage to their self esteem and attachments in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

The problem is then he gets 50/50 custody (yes, he does, and this is not NEARLY enough to change that legally) and the kids are alone with him without mom to run interference. (not OP)

[Anonymous]

The optics and reality are 2 different things. When he has custody, he will have to grocery shop, prepare dinner and handle activities. He won’t want 50% for very long. What does he actually do for the kids currently? Lots of guys push for 50% if it avoids child support payment, but the reality will wane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the people saying divorce either 1) know what divorce actually entails (like custody arrangements) or 2) understand the statistics of children who are products of divorce. Terrible, terrible, bottom of the barrel choice. People saying this is like physical abuse…uh, what?? A boy in Texas was found dead in a washing machine after having been reported to CPS something like a dozen times. This.Is.Not.The.Same certainly in the eyes of the law. Do what you can OP, you’re in a tough spot, but some of the advice you’re getting is bad.

I'm the product of divorce (my dad was the post who threatened to knock my teeth out). I thank God every day that my mom left him. That taught me not to put up with sh%t from men. Ever. If we had stayed, who knows what the abuse would've done to me. Maybe my dad would've knocked my teeth out. He pulled a gun on my mom when she was at the house moving stuff out. Divorce was the right choice in our situation even though there was no physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not helpful, but this was the number 1 symptom of my husbands affair. If this is relatively new and unexpected behavior for him, I'd start digging. I went to SUCH GREAT lengths to support him through his short fuse and ultimately I was supporting him cheating on me.

A second data point here. Same for me (he was also vicious to me at times).

The cheating on top of gems including calling my child idiot and generally ruining his self esteem was the end

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the people saying divorce either 1) know what divorce actually entails (like custody arrangements) or 2) understand the statistics of children who are products of divorce. Terrible, terrible, bottom of the barrel choice. People saying this is like physical abuse…uh, what?? A boy in Texas was found dead in a washing machine after having been reported to CPS something like a dozen times. This.Is.Not.The.Same certainly in the eyes of the law. Do what you can OP, you’re in a tough spot, but some of the advice you’re getting is bad.

I'm the product of divorce (my dad was the post who threatened to knock my teeth out). I thank God every day that my mom left him. That taught me not to put up with sh%t from men. Ever. If we had stayed, who knows what the abuse would've done to me. Maybe my dad would've knocked my teeth out. He pulled a gun on my mom when she was at the house moving stuff out. Divorce was the right choice in our situation even though there was no physical abuse.

Surely you recognize that divorce may be warranted in some cases, and not in (many, many) others. Then again, the statistics do show that children of divorce are many many many times more likely to get divorced themselves, likely because of this thinking. Telling people - strangers on the internet - that they should get divorced because your parents (under entirely different circumstances…your dad pulled a gun!) got divorced is weird, and you should talk to someone before offering more advice.

[Anonymous]

PP here. It is patently untrue that courts will always award 50-50 physical custody. OP should keep documenting (and recording surreptitiously on her phone and save to the cloud )

Then take your time researching the top lawyers in the area. Have some free consults with a couple. At the right time, read from the transcript of the rage recordings.

I was prepared to blow through my 50% of the assets on a pit bull legal team to minimize physical custody with their emotionally and verbally abusive parent. It can be done.

Wait until the parties involved read the interviews with the children at the hearings! Fwiw, the age of “great weight” given to the child’s opinion re: physical custody is 13 in the District. The judge will also interview them separately

[Anonymous]

I am baffled by these questions coming from mothers of not one but two and more kids. Was your DH an Angel after the first kid?

[Anonymous]

Op - I was in a very similar situation (and agree the divorce advice is not realistic, even 2 therapists told me that my kids were better with me as a buffer than without, at least while they were young and couldn’t build their own coping skills). However my situation is now much much better and I’d 100% say my kids are better off for me not having left and instead kept fighting for them / us within the marriage. There would have been a breaking point, but we weren’t there.

Anyway if you want to create an email address to share, im happy to reach out. My story is more than I want to post here bc I’m not interested in uninformed people playing the critic