DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled by these questions coming from mothers of not one but two and more kids. Was your DH an Angel after the first kid?

NP but yes. The first few years with kids when they were very young was amazing. As they become older and more independent and the interactions and expectations changed, my partner changed. This was completely shocking to me based on the TLC I’d previously seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled by these questions coming from mothers of not one but two and more kids. Was your DH an Angel after the first kid?

There is a lot of ground between “angel“ and “verbally abusive.”

[Anonymous]

I get why you don’t want to divorce OP and I think people saying it cavalierly are underestimating what that would mean. But I do think you need to exercise all the tools within your power to get this to stop happening, recognizing you cannot control him- you can only control your reaction to him. If you’re not already, make sure to always firmly speak out when he behaves this way. Stay very calm and do not take a scolding tone, but say directly that it’s not ok for anyone to treat members of your family this way, and he needs to go somewhere else and take a break until he is able to express his needs calmly. Do not let him be around the kids when this behavior starts. They need to see that you are willing to stand up for them, and that it’s not ok. It will probably piss him off when you do this, and if his anger escalates or gets directed toward you, you have your answer as to whether you should seriously be considering divorce. If he does seem willing to back off or eventually decides to work on himself, there is hope. Bottom line is if you would not permit a teacher or adult outside your family to say those things to your kids, you can’t stand idly by and accept it from a spouse. Im sorry you’re in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a father like the OPs DH and it was terrible. I hated my life, I hated being trapped in our house with a jerk father and had zero self esteem. Finally she left and our life was so much better. Our house was happier and we kids weren’t walking on eggshells every day. While the data shows that outcomes for kids of divorce are dismal, but my siblings and I are all professionally successful and happily married. OP needs to take a hard look in the mirror about why she is subjecting her innocent children to this traumatizing behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the people saying divorce either 1) know what divorce actually entails (like custody arrangements) or 2) understand the statistics of children who are products of divorce. Terrible, terrible, bottom of the barrel choice. People saying this is like physical abuse…uh, what?? A boy in Texas was found dead in a washing machine after having been reported to CPS something like a dozen times. This.Is.Not.The.Same certainly in the eyes of the law. Do what you can OP, you’re in a tough spot, but some of the advice you’re getting is bad.

I'm the product of divorce (my dad was the post who threatened to knock my teeth out). I thank God every day that my mom left him. That taught me not to put up with sh%t from men. Ever. If we had stayed, who knows what the abuse would've done to me. Maybe my dad would've knocked my teeth out. He pulled a gun on my mom when she was at the house moving stuff out. Divorce was the right choice in our situation even though there was no physical abuse.

Surely you recognize that divorce may be warranted in some cases, and not in (many, many) others. Then again, the statistics do show that children of divorce are many many many times more likely to get divorced themselves, likely because of this thinking. Telling people - strangers on the internet - that they should get divorced because your parents (under entirely different circumstances…your dad pulled a gun!) got divorced is weird, and you should talk to someone before offering more advice.

Talk to someone? I'm allowed to offer advice as much as I want. If the OP wants her kids to grow up thinking it is acceptable for a woman to be treated how she is being treated, by all means, stay married. Most women are not okay with this behavior and wouldn't put up with it. I would hope my daughter wouldn't stick around a man like that.

[Anonymous]

My friend ultimately got divorced over this issue. Husband turned out to be a terrible father. They tried for 6 years to have a child and finally did through surrogacy. She and daughter are happier than i have ever seen them. Friend is also making great strides in her own business.

[Anonymous]

My Dad had a nasty temper and a drinking problem. It traumatized me and my family. The fights and issues he had with my Mom are permanently etched into my mind. He set the tone for my teen brother to abuse my Mom as well. He would scream, curse and push her. It was awful! I vow NEVER to have a household like that and I do not. I would NEVER allow a man or any other person including myself to hit, intimidate, scream, curse at, or drink around my babies. Period. He can sleep in the car or leave permanently if that would continue and you can get supervised custody visits for spouses that behave like this along with a divorce. Your kids WILL remember. THEY WILL NOT EVER forget and the damage is PERMANENT. Eating disorders, digestive disorders, cancer, mental health issues and suicide was the price paid for my Dad's horrible unchecked behavior. My family is now gone and it is only myself and him left. When he acts terrible with his new wife, we leave. My teen daughter notices this behavior and checks him too. They will never change.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband on any medications? An SSRI was the only thing that worked for us. If he has not considered it, it is a much better option than divorce and if it were me I would put it as an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Me hiring a divorce lawyer and issuing an ultimatum fixed my DH's temper problem. He went to counseling too after the lawyer was hired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, unless he wants to change it.

This. Does he see a problem? Does he want to change it? Because if he doesn't it doesn't matter what classes you sign him up for or what articles or books you give him.

Given your son has ADHD it's very possible your husband does to but again he'd need to seek help and comply with treatment.

You can have a come to Jesus talk with him but you are going to have to decide what your limit is and stick to it

[Anonymous]

I am in your situation OP. My husband is super engaged, a loving dad, and he loves our kids fiercely. But he also had a temper and when he loses it he says some really awful stuff to the kids. He always repairs, but it’s a huge sticking point with me and in our relationship.

My dad was like this too, but to a much lesser extent. But he swore at us sometimes, slammed doors, etc. I don’t consider him abusive and we always have had a good relationship. I have also witnessed and heard about similar behavior from other friends, and I think it’s more common behavior among dads than many people realize.

I would be really curious what the marriage counselor says about it? What is their advice?

Personally I am sticking with it and doing my utmost to try and not let my DH’s dysregulation impact me. When he gets angry, I try to get more calm. When he yells at the kids, I tell them quietly when I am able to that it’s not ok that dad is yelling, it’s not their fault, they don’t deserve to be yelled at, etc. and I make sure he repairs with them - which he always does eventually. I definitely lose my cool and yell at our kids sometimes, so I am by no means a saint, but I am trying hard to live up to a higher standard for myself. I also have started walking away if he gets verbally abusive with me. I literally just put on my shoes and leave the house and go for a walk and leave him with the kids (he is not and has never been physically abusive so they are perfectly safe, he just has some immature and underdeveloped coping skills). Or I just get super quiet and don’t engage because he wants me to and the moment I do it just escalates. It’s not healthy, but I’m using coping strategies and trying to figure out different ways to approach it while trying to minimize the harms to my kids.

And to those who think divorce is easier or are superimposing your own trauma history onto OP, just stop. Divorce is so hard and OP’s situation is not your situation. I feel like you’re getting a lot of triggered people responding from their own traumatic childhoods and not recognizing that each situation is different.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate these examples of similar circumstances and all the complexities that come with it.

DH has agreed to do some kind of emotional regulation class or counseling but wants to do it with DS. I’m still looking for resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate these examples of similar circumstances and all the complexities that come with it.

DH has agreed to do some kind of emotional regulation class or counseling but wants to do it with DS. I’m still looking for resources.

Does your DH understand that he is the adult and that DC is a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate these examples of similar circumstances and all the complexities that come with it.

DH has agreed to do some kind of emotional regulation class or counseling but wants to do it with DS. I’m still looking for resources.

A class like this doesn't exist for the reason he can't acknowledge, which is that he as the adult has all of the power in this situation and is the only person who can change it. A counselor might work with them both but I'd expect it pretty quickly to come to focus on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate these examples of similar circumstances and all the complexities that come with it.

DH has agreed to do some kind of emotional regulation class or counseling but wants to do it with DS. I’m still looking for resources.

Does your DH understand that he is the adult and that DC is a child?

+1 The bolded suggests that your H wants to continue to place blame on his child for H's inability to control his emotions.