DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

[Anonymous]

I have a whole list (literally a list in my phone) of incidents of DH exploding at kids. It's not physical, but his words are harsh ("shut your mouth!") he makes threats ("i'll drag you down the street!" or "If you dont stop whining I'll throw you in the pool" (DD doesn't swim)) and last night he threw DS's (small, paperback) book b/c DS was stalling not reading. (DS is dyslexic and has ADHD and ironically we talk frequently about how important it is to build DS's frustration tolerance. How can we do that with this kind of behavior from his dad?)

In addition to worrying about my kids, I hate being in a household with this kind of yelling, snarling voice, and behavior. DH apologizes to kids after some of these moments (he apologized for book throwing last night) but I still think the cycle of outburst and apology is terrible. You can't just behave however you want with your kids as long as you apologize afterward.

I want to ask (beg? require?) DH to do something to address his outbursts. but what? he has tried and ditched his own therapy twice. We have a marriage counselor and have talked about this with her. what other tools or resources are out there? something that is realistic for a (stubborn) man to do? what kind of skill building? yoga? meditation? watch a documentary that would scare him straight? Looking for feasible, concrete ideas to ask DH to take on to address this. Anyone been there? tried something that helped you self-regulate in front of kids?

[Anonymous]

Not helpful, but this was the number 1 symptom of my husbands affair. If this is relatively new and unexpected behavior for him, I'd start digging. I went to SUCH GREAT lengths to support him through his short fuse and ultimately I was supporting him cheating on me.

[Anonymous]

OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not helpful, but this was the number 1 symptom of my husbands affair. If this is relatively new and unexpected behavior for him, I'd start digging. I went to SUCH GREAT lengths to support him through his short fuse and ultimately I was supporting him cheating on me.

Kind of in line with this - what are the underlying issues causing him to be angry? Job related? Money? Health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

he didn't scream it. he growled it from bed b/c it was early morning.

i feel like each incident is in itself not that significant. and that contributes to why i have not "required" some intervention before now.

[Anonymous]

Nothing, unless he wants to change it.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband control his temper with his boss or co-workers? Would your husband have an outburst similar to what you have described if he was pulled over by the police for speeding? If the answer is NO, that means he can control his temper, but he is choosing not to with his family. Only you can decide what your tolerance is for his behavior.

[Anonymous]

In terms of things that you may be able to control or implement:

1. DH should accompany you anytime you meet with professionals about your son. Check with him and make sure it's on his work calendar.
2. DH needs to be provided the time and space for self care. Plenty of sleep, exercise, some time between work and kids.
3. If you have more patience, you need to be the primary parent for enforcing rules and discipline. Intervene before things get out of hand.

I know this doesn't seem fair, but it's your reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband control his temper with his boss or co-workers? Would your husband have an outburst similar to what you have described if he was pulled over by the police for speeding? If the answer is NO, that means he can control his temper, but he is choosing not to with his family. Only you can decide what your tolerance is for his behavior.

He would not conduct himself this way with other adults. I only see this with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband control his temper with his boss or co-workers? Would your husband have an outburst similar to what you have described if he was pulled over by the police for speeding? If the answer is NO, that means he can control his temper, but he is choosing not to with his family. Only you can decide what your tolerance is for his behavior.

He would not conduct himself this way with other adults. I only see this with our kids.

Then ask him why he thinks it's ok to speaks to the most vulnerable and precious people in his life like this, and not to others. He needs therapy. Did he grow up in a house like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not helpful, but this was the number 1 symptom of my husbands affair. If this is relatively new and unexpected behavior for him, I'd start digging. I went to SUCH GREAT lengths to support him through his short fuse and ultimately I was supporting him cheating on me.

Kind of in line with this - what are the underlying issues causing him to be angry? Job related? Money? Health?

Adding substance abuse to that list. That’s my DH’s issue.

[Anonymous]

This is a tender spot for me because that's how my dad was. Did your daughter hear him say what he said about the pool, and is she an age that she could understand? Because that's actually a death threat, isn't it, if she can't swim?

I was scared constantly my entire childhood and still struggle when someone speaks with tension in their voice or if someone is slamming things around (not even if someone is doing it out of anger, it's just a trigger to hear things being treated roughly because it's what my dad always did when he was enraged).

What does his counselor suggest? Are you being 100 percent honest with the counselor about what is happening, or are you covering for him? It's really important to be truthful about it. It left lasting scars/trauma for me.

[Anonymous]

I took a PEP class on managing anger when my kids were little. I was thinking it would be about helping them manage their anger, but it was really about parents managing their own anger- which turned out to be even more helpful.

I don’t think a class that lasts a couple hours will be enough but it might help him realize that it’s important.

Like PP, my dad was pretty similar when I was growing up. It was until I was in my thirties until I realized how much it affected me. I definitely am highly attuned to how angry men are - especially older men in positions of power. It is no coincidence that I ended up in a woman-dominated field.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I forgot to include the link to pep. They do have online classes. https://pepparent.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband control his temper with his boss or co-workers? Would your husband have an outburst similar to what you have described if he was pulled over by the police for speeding? If the answer is NO, that means he can control his temper, but he is choosing not to with his family. Only you can decide what your tolerance is for his behavior.

+1
Abusiveness, criminal laziness, etc.
Most of these behaviors that women lament about are only seen inside the home.