DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, my dad was sorta like this (I think it’s a theme of the boomer and older generation) and I don’t have any lasting scars. I have a good relationship with my dad now. My mom diffused a lot of situations with humor so it was kind of “roll your eyes dads grumpy again.” it wasn’t until I was older I realized humor was a wonderful skill and gift she gave me as a child. I’m sure a therapist can help you find coping mechanisms with your kids even if your husband isn’t amenable to help.

This is interesting and I wonder if it would work. If so, certainly more effective than trying to force someone into therapy that they don’t believe they need.

[Anonymous]

You are the frog in the pot that doesn’t realize you are almost dead.

Please get your own therapist and start reading books like Codependents No More. Try attending Al Anon.

You think you are protecting your kids by keeping them with you 100% of the time. But there is a pretty good chance they will grow up and see you as complicit in allowing them to be abused. I certainly see my mother that way, and frankly, my dads behavior seems less egregious than your hsubands.

You also need to realize that if this doesn’t change, you are very, very likely to be divorced at some point. Act accordingly. Don’t quit your job. If SAHM, get back to work. Love under your means so their are assets to split one day. Live in a way you could afford on your own.

[Anonymous]

Are there “triggers” to his anger? Like is it when the kids are loud, or he hasn’t eaten, or he had a bad day at work? Might be worth examining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the frog in the pot that doesn’t realize you are almost dead.

Please get your own therapist and start reading books like Codependents No More. Try attending Al Anon.

You think you are protecting your kids by keeping them with you 100% of the time. But there is a pretty good chance they will grow up and see you as complicit in allowing them to be abused. I certainly see my mother that way, and frankly, my dads behavior seems less egregious than your hsubands.

You also need to realize that if this doesn’t change, you are very, very likely to be divorced at some point. Act accordingly. Don’t quit your job. If SAHM, get back to work. Love under your means so their are assets to split one day. Live in a way you could afford on your own.

All this. You may also want to attend some meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families ACoA, there are Zoom meetings. Something from your past is likely being re-created here. Especially check out their How to Become Your Own Loving Parent Guidebook. It will help you build yourself up and help your kids as you gain insight into what the status quo is doing to them and why you seem trauma bonded to it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. How can you let your children be abused by this man daily?? It’s going to scar them for life. You need to protect them.

If he hadn’t already been to therapy and counseling then I would suggest those first. This guy won’t even work on himself.

[Anonymous]

My dad was like that. "If you don't stop kicking the seat (I was sitting behind him in the car), I'm going to knock your f*%$ing teeth out!" That's one of my vivid memories of him. He was an alcoholic. My mom left him when I was 5, thankfully. No kid deserves to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

No, it really isn’t.

Also, because it isn’t, he will get 50% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

No, it really isn’t.

Also, because it isn’t, he will get 50% custody.

If it isn’t really as bad as physical abuse, why is it a problem if he gets 50% custody?

[Anonymous]

You should leave and take your children to women’s shelter and stay there. Abuse is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Op, your husband needs to take anger management class, then take ADHD meds, quit drinking to minimal.
Also, read 123 magic and PEP parenting classes.

I took the class many years ago at the Women Center in Vienna, VA location.

Tell your husband, when he yells and say those things on the list, he is basically he is telling the children that he hates them! You know people saying I love you everyday, he is saying I hate you everyday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

Verbal abuse is actually worse than physical abuse.

I would get legal advice because your DH has gone beyond the pale. Next time he might throw a child out of a window. He is dangerous!

[Anonymous]

I wonder how he is when you're not there. Maybe get a nanny cam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is as bad as. physical abuse.

You must get your kids out. I am sorry but there are no tools to make better a father that screams he's throwing his child in a pool and he knows they can not swim.

No, it really isn’t.

Also, because it isn’t, he will get 50% custody.

If it isn’t really as bad as physical abuse, why is it a problem if he gets 50% custody?

Is that a question? Because It’s still not good behavior and it’s better if it is kept in check which it sounds like op is doing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I understand the advice to divorce. And also I agree that he will get 50% custody. “Shut your mouth!” And throwing a book at the floor will not keep him from his kids. Even if it is a pattern, each behavior is poor parenting but it’s not illegal.

When I tell him I don’t like the threatening language, it’s not credible or constructive and it’s disturbing to me if not the kids. He rolls his eyes bc I’m making too big a deal of it and overreacting. I assume many others see it that way too.